Some backstory. Gf and I have been dating for a year. We have this friend in the same friend group and the 3 of us sometimes hang out together. Ive noticed in the past few months he’s been getting kinda too close to my gf. I never said anything about it to the both of them. I had a feeling he might be having a crush on her but i didnt think much of it. Then yesterday my gf calls me up at night and tells me the whole story. For like a month he’s been slowly getting kinda creepy with her. Trying to be more intimate, getting more physically close with her, trying to bring up the topic of sex in convos with her. He’s also been slowly touching her, giving her “massages”.
A few days ago, she hit the breaking point. She was hanging out with him and a couple of other friends. They all usually go play badminton or table tennis there. She hadn’t played table tennis before so he said he’d teach her while the rest went to play badminton. While “teaching” her, he was standing behind her and then he slowly put his arms around her and then he just started kissing her neck. She immediately said no but then he just suddenly started choking her with one hand and started rubbing her vagina with the other. She wanted to scream but she said she was just really scared at the time and her body just gave up. After like 5 mins he finally let go of her. Then he left and met up with the other friends. She immediately left and then a day later she called me.
I asked her why she didn’t tell me earlier she said that she was scared that I would blame her for what happened (she has had a bad experience before where her ex blamed her getting groped by a stranger). Now im just consoling her and I dont know how to proceed. She’s scared of telling the cops because well, not many people would believe her and his dad is a politician.
Im just completely clueless as to what to do now and where to go ahead from here.
TL;DR : gf was being sexually assaulted by my friend and we don’t know what to do now since the cops are basically useless.
29 comments
That’s hella fucked up… if she doesn’t want to report it then you guys just need to stay the fuck away from those people and person. What a monster
Ask her to phone him and discuss bit while recording. Then go to the cops and/or news agencies.
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She needs to file charges immediately and get a restraining order
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His dad is a politician? Sounds like something he would want to keep out of the public light..
So as I understand his dad is a politician and the police will not be much help. So since you don’t feel you can go that route here’s some suggestions. Cut ties as you already stated. But if this guy is willing to do what he did then there is a really good chance that cutting ties could escalate the problem. Get a security camera/cameras and out it up outside your house. (If you get more than one put it up inside your house as well). Change your locks on your doors. I’m assuming he knows where you live. Get your gf set up at therapy. She is likely going to feel very unsafe at this point. If he does escalate you will need to move. Getting your gf some self defense classes as well may help. I do belive this ah should be legally punished for what he has done but even in America people would be hesitant to come forward when it’s a powerful man’s son. I just wish he would get get his. Good luck op. And lots of hugs sent to your gf.
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I think you just need to be there for your gf. Listen to her as she continues to process it and make sure she knows NONE of this is her fault- she may have sneaking thoughts about how she shouldn’t have gone there, she should have told you sooner, or that her body should not have shut down. That’s not true, he’s the problem- she did nothing wrong.
If she continues to struggle with it, maybe see if you can get therapy for her.
I really don’t see very many actual answers to your question about how you can help HER. I think firstly, letting her know you believe her absolutely and letting her know that you understand that NONE of his actions were her fault…he is the one with the problem. Asking her what, if anything, can you do to help her feel safer. And if she tells you she doesn’t want to do anything or any specific thing, honor her wishes. Just be there for her in general.
Aside from most likely her needing therapy and you needing to expose him to your friend group, perhaps it could give her a sense of security to carry pepper spray? Just in case the douchebag tries something funny.
Just be a listening ear and a shoulder to lean on. Make sure to take care of her physically (such as: does she need food? Hydration? A blanket burrito?). Cuddles and hugs might feel nice if she is ok with that.
And of course, sexual activities may/can be a bit triggering so maybe hold off for a bit. But when you do want to get started again, take it slow and make sure she is ok with everything every step of the way.
Stay away from this monster!
And stop calling him “my friend”
just stop talking to the guy and don’t let anyone make you feel bad for not assaulting him or going to the police. it’s not your fault or her fault
Maybe post in /r/legaladviceindia
You get the boys together and have a serious talking to him. Also, obviously, remove him from the friend group. Anyone who sides with him is also removed. Easy peasy.
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From your comments it doesn’t sound like you’re inclined to follow the terrible advice that is to beat him up/pursue revenge, which is good, I just wanted to chime in from another perspective on that note. One of my fears when telling people close to me about how I was assaulted is that I wouldn’t be able to trust them to handle their emotions. It’s horrible and it sucks, and I wanted them to validate that, but I didn’t want to feel like I had to handle them. I could already barely handle how I was feeling. Someone lashing out in a violent rage is scary and unhelpful. It makes them an unreliable support and draws attention and energy away from what I actually needed which was a calm and steady support system. I wanted help processing my feelings, reassurance that it wasnt my fault, and validation that what he did was terrible, but I didn’t want revenge. That would just continue to drag that person back into my life and I wanted him gone from it.
P.S. a lot of the time when we think of danger responses we think if fight or flight, but there is also fawn and freeze which are arguably much more common.
Call the police.
Confront him, record the whole confrontation.
Tell everyone you know that is close to him.
Don’t let him hide.
Some good advice already in this thread, but make sure she’s aware that freezing during sexual assault is actually really common.
We’re always taught our body’s have two responses when in danger: “Fight or flight.” Recent studies show it’s actually three: “Fight, Flight, or Freeze.”
Rapists also use this as a shitty defense “she only said no once then laid back and took it.” Or “she didn’t try to fight or get away.”
It’s bullshit.
Sounds like you ghost the dude. That’s about it other than making sure she knows she did nothing wrong.
Everyone always dreams of justice, but in a case like this I’m not sure how you don’t pay the price for that justice.
Edit: also, have a discussion with her about warning signs the two of you can learn from. Sounds like there were a few.
Never hang out with your 21year old friend ever again period.
I am just glad that you believed her. It’s so difficult for women to talk about being assaulted because people, especially those who are close to them, do not believe them. Be there for her.
> She’s scared of telling the cops because well, not many people would believe her and his dad is a politician.
I’m not going to sugar coat it, but she’s right. Without concrete proof, nobody would. That’s fucked up to say, but that’s the reality. If you go to the police it **will** ruin your life. Either by him doing it directly or if you do win, it will require a very public trial and that in and of itself will ruin your life.
I know because I decided to go and though I did win, I ultimately had to move half a state away to get away from it. Yes, I “won” but I became unemployable because no employer wants the media drama and I couldn’t really show my face in public without some sort of reaction. Many were whispers and many, even though they were found guilty, insisted the ruling was wrong and I was a terrible person who “got away with it”
Best advice I can give is to think long and hard before going to the police. It wasn’t rape, it was assault which is marginally better. Cut him out of the friend group for sure no matter what you do
She has done nothing wrong and tell her that you love her. Console her through this and stay away from that monster if she doesn’t want to take it to the police.
I know exactly what that’s like, I was sexually abused by my ex’s best friend and I did not tell him until a few years down the line.
If you have noticed that yourself, that means he doesn’t see you as a threat at all, you can’t let that happen, because he WILL do worse if given the chance. Take your time with her, make her feel safe and welcomed in your presence, God know I wish I had a safe net of support when it happened to me, and once she’s safe, you guys can tell the others and shun this guy or leave the friend group completely.
It’s going to be hard, but she really needs you right now, calling the cops might not solve anything, but making her feel better will for sure
Best thing you can do for her is let her decide what she wants to do… Then respect it.
I’m so sorry that happened… Your girlfriend is brave for telling you. I’m glad she has you to depend on.
Yeah, unfortunately, the police won’t be able to do much. When it comes to sexual crimes, they are pretty useless.
I am always of the mind that it is better to tell, file a report and so if he does it to another girl, it will become a trackable pattern of behavior… But I’m also a hypocrite who has never gone to the police about any of my own sexual-violence experiences… But that’s my choice.
Your girlfriend, first and foremost, should CHOOSE what she wants to do.
When SA happens, it takes away your autonomy… So she gets to choose what happens next.
Personally, anytime I’ve been SA to some degree, I go the more nuanced and insidious route of lighting people on fire socially. I tell all my friends. I tell my family. I tell his mutual friends. I tell anyone who brings up his name. I am vocal about the shitty things he’s done. I make it known socially through word of mouth… This works on some level because it very quickly tells me who my allies are… Who actually believes me and who brushes me off. Its honestly surprising just HOW MANY PEOPLE continue to stay friends with SA perpetrators. It is shocking… If someone doesn’t believe me or stays friends with the asshole creep who SA me, then I light them on fire too. I make sure people know that “X” person stands by a known SA perpetrator. And I comment publicly on how fucked up that is and don’t apologize for cutting them out of my life.
This is just my approach… I don’t go looking for conflict and mostly try to forget the shitty things that have happened to me. I hope your girlfriend can manage her pain and can move past this and find a way to live her life again without fear. <3
If you can’t go to the police to have him arrested, the next best thing you can do is get a restraining order for you and your gf against him. That way he can’t come around you guys and if he does, you can call the police and they can’t dispute it.
My other thought is, I’m assuming they were in a public building? If they were, were there any cameras that could have caught the event? If there were cameras, you might have a fighting chance to have him arrested and/or taken to court after having evidence caught on camera.
I’m sorry this happened to her. Reassure that it isn’t her fault. I hope everything will work out.