Guys, what is your understanding of and attitude toward polyamory?

25 comments

1. In a relationship context I don’t have any interest.

   Dealing with one person is often enough of a headache. Dealing with a whole group of people in a relationship context sounds like literal hell to me.

   Additionally polyamory tends to benefit women more. Most guys will fuck attached women. Women usually won’t get with a taken guy they can’t exclusive have.

2. As one wise man said, i like my woman how i like coffee, without other dude dick in it.

   I prefer quality over quantity.

3. I’ve been in a couple poly relationships. They work no better or no worse than typical relationships. It all boils down to the people that are in them

4. It’s basically an orientation, so my attitude towards it is the same as my attitude towards any other orientation I don’t have: Consenting adults can do whatever they want with whatever consenting adults they want. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg. But I’m not interested in participating.

5. 90% of poly relationships are one obese disgusting woman who barely likes men in the first place & between 2-4 guys who couldn’t land anything better

6. Having relationships with more than one person concurrently. I have no issue with it and have poly friends, it’s just not for me. One relationship at a time is plenty.

7. It’s not for me, if my wife brought it up seriously I would divorce her there and then.

8. My working definition of polyamory is similar to an open relationship, with the exception that each partner is expected to have some emotional or romantic connection to their other partners.

   I am a married and monogamous, but I can admit that monogamy has its issues. Expecting one person to be your entire support system, romantically, emotionally, and sexually, is asking *a lot*. Everyone has their various strengths and weaknesses, and everyone has varying levels of needs in these areas. Finding one person who is a perfect match is a daunting task, and even if you do find them, expecting them to continue to meet all of your needs (and vice-versa) as you both change and grow, is a tall order.

   I also do not like the culture of jealousy and possessiveness that is pervasive in monogamous relationships. We are regularly told that some degree of these things is normal and healthy. *No, it isn’t!* Feeling threatened when your partner has a conversation with another person, or expecting to keep tabs on them throughout their work and social interactions, is deeply unhealthy. Some monogamous relationships do not suffer from these problems, but they are in the scant minority.

   I think an undue amount of attention is placed on the sexual component of polyamory. Poly is not “being able to fuck other people,” it is a full-scope relationship that involves more than one partner. And exactly how is “getting” to have multiple sexual partners a downside? It is what our bodies are programmed to want. If everybody involved is aware and consenting, I don’t see how monogamists think this is a jeer; it’s a clear indictment of their own dissatisfaction with their current relationship.

9. My understanding of polyamory is just that it’s a form of ENM that includes multiple emotionally significant romantic relationships that run concurrently, with everyone’s knowledge and enthusiastic consent.

   I’m neutral about it. I see the potential positives to the arrangement, but I also see plenty of negatives. I have no interest in it for myself as a relationship style.

10. seems like a lot of trouble. i know folks that are into it and there is always some kind of new drama to sort through for them.

11. Yuck, not interested in polyamory…

    I’m a one-man woman type of person

12. I know what it is and that it isn’t for me. I have no problems with other people being polyamorous as long as they don’t try to shame me for being monoamoruous (which they do exactly as much and often as the other way around).

13. I’m solo also poly, which, to anyone wondering, means I’m not interested in escalating relationships towards cohabitation, marriage, kids etc.

    My attitude towards actually practicing nonmonogamous dating is obviously favorable, as that’s what I’ve chosen for myself, but my attitude towards the “polyamorous communities” I’ve encountered is between mixed and negative.

    Why am I solo poly? Because that’s the relationship arrangement I find is the easiest way to to have my needs met. I don’t actually need exclusivity for anything, so why have it?

14. My understanding is that you’re romantically involved with more than one person at a time. My attitude is it’s not for me but what happens between 2 or more consenting adults is none of my goddam business and they can do what they want. With the caveats that everyone involved is consenting and of age.

15. My understanding of polyamory is the definition of the word. My attitude is that it’s a counterculture statement that people end up defining themselves by, like vegans, and won’t shut up about.

    Statistics and psychology say it doesn’t work out, so I’m going to say that also heavily informs my opinion.

16. The culture around it seems to try and justify shitty behavior between people who are supposed to be romantically involved for the sake of having multiple sexual partners without consequences, or at least in its online presence. I don’t see it as anything more than another type of relationship, but I’ve yet to personally meet someone in that type of relationship dynamic

17. Every situation I see has some sort of imbalance to it. I found out today a friend of a friend is poly with his wife. The wife has 2 other boyfriends. I asked “Does FoF have any girlfriends?” The answer is not surprising:

    “Err, um, He’s starting the process of looking for someone else”

    The only swinging I’d ever do is if I were married and it was with another married couple. Wife is not going to be taking home college bulls she meets at the bar, no thank you.

18. It’s not for me, but I get it that some people are into it. That’s their business and not mine. It’s no different than any other thing that consenting adults are into.

19. Hmm..
    Context is important. I have known poly folks that were happy, and others where it destroyed them.

    Kids. What about if someone gets pregnant? Birth control isn’t 100%. How is the financial support divied up? These types of questions would need some ground rules beforehand, I would think.

    But if you all happy, then be happy. Happiness is scarce, so I don’t begrudge anyone theirs.

    What does get the ole antenna quivering is when someone in a long term monogamous relationship suddenly wants to swing, go poly, or open the marriage. I suspect they already have a replacement lined up, and the other relationship is at the sex stage before they are at the divorce stage.

    Basically, all relationships have boundaries. So long as everyone understands the boundaries going in, and sticks to them, then all is well.

20. In general my attitude is who cares as long it’s consenting adults

    I will say that I personally could never do it but that’s just me. What other people do is there own business.

21. In my experience, the person (usually the woman) is cheating and tries this on as an excuse for their cheating. I’ve seen this in the marriages of two acquaintances, so not exactly a statistical universe.

    If my girlfriend came to me and said she wanted an open relationship, I would ask her “with who” ’cause its not going to be with me.

22. I would hope that if I am in such a relationship the extra women and men in my life all love each other in a healthy way. But I can just imagine how complicated the family politics could get

23. Off the bat – I’m apprehensive about engaging in a “discussion” with you because there are so few people that have an open mind that start conversations in these ways. If you’re going to reply to this comment, I would like you to also have an open mind and consider my points with respect, as I would do with you.

    First and foremost, I think there is a massive difference between authentic polyamory and what significant groups of urban young people call polyamory. By its own etymology, it means “multiple loves.” True polyamory is an arrangement made with a fixed number of people to have multiple committed relationships. Everyone in a healthy polyamorous relationship knows of all partners and specific dynamics involved, and they were aware of this going into the relationship, consented without coercion at any time a change to these arrangements were made, and are never made to feel bad if they express discontent or a change of heart about the situation.

    This is what polyamory should be, and largely what it was before college kids and younger people twisted it into an orgy obsessed philosophy that consistently belittles and shames monogamists.

    There are large swaths of people who call themselves ethical non-monogamists and insist they are polygamists when in reality they are either not in a committed relationship at all, coerced their monogamist partner to open up their relationship so that they can explore their sex addiction, or simply want a way to chisel their way into monogamist relationships as some as an opportunist disguising themself as some sort of evangelical for sexual freedom.

    The hallmark of any relationship, sexual or otherwise, is consent. Calling yourself a polyamorous when in reality you’re just a sexually loose person (there isn’t anything wrong with this, as long as communication is clear and consent is involved), is disingenuous and manipulative, and actually insulting to real polyamorous and polygamous people who have strict rules and generally respect monogamous people.

    For me it’s simple – people have forgotten what that word actually means and use it to guilt trip people into group sex situations or to shame their partners into allowing themselves to be cheated on.

    If you have ever suddenly come out as polyamorous and said something like “no, you can’t control my body, I want to be free.” Or if you’ve ever shamed a monogamous couple using a similar talk track, you are a sociopath who is gaslighting other people into doing things they don’t want to do. You’re not an evangelical, you’re not wiser than them. You’re basically two notches shy of being a rapist.

    If you’re truly ENM or Poly I have absolutely no problems with you and wish you the best in an ever more confusing world. If you’re a free spirit sexually and communicate that to others open and honestly then power to you.

    If you approach married couples or folks in monogamist relationships and critically lambast them for their life choices, you’re a scumbag and people don’t have to like you.

24. “Solo-ploy”

    So just a single guy who sleeps around?

25. I think it’s funny that OP is trying to reframe everyone’s thinking on polyamory. That’s exactly what I’ve experienced and why poly folk can keep it to themselves where I’m concerned.