My husband, children and I went on vacation last week with my in-laws and cousins. Fabulous house, fabulous beach, fabulous weather. It was beautiful.
On the second night there, my FIL wanted to watch Jeopardy. He’d been following a recent contestant and wanted to see how he did. I haven’t watched TV much in years, so it was the first time I’ve seen Jeopardy since Trebek died. My in-laws snuggled in on one sofa and my hubs and I were on the other one. The sofas faced one another with a table in between, but the TV was mounted on the wall to the right of the fireplace. So I could not see my in-laws without turning away from the TV and almost backwards. As we watched, both my MIL and I would answer questions now and then. I happily watched the show, occasionally making comments to my husband in a normal, conversational tone.
At the very end of the show, as the applause rang out and they were saying their goodbyes, I was speaking to my husband and suddenly the room went quiet. I glanced at the TV, which had been paused, then let began to speak again right as the sound resumed. Immediately – Silence – TV put on pause again. The third time happened just as I opened my mouth – suddenly the sound stopped again and I hear a growl. I looked at my FIL, who had a stormy expression, glaring at me in fury – and he shook the remote at me angrily. All of this happened within a 5-6 second span.
I didn’t know what was wrong, but I knew I had screwed up somehow. I hastily said good night and disappeared to my room.
When my husband came to bed quite a while later, I asked him, “What on earth happened out there at the end of Jeopardy? Why is your dad angry with me?”
Apparently, for the entire show, my FIL was irritated with me for “talking through” the show because he could not hear some of the show and had been making snide comments. I had no idea whatsoever. I never heard a thing he said. FYI, pretty important to this issue – The week before the beach trip, I had pretty invasive and extensive surgery on my ears (bilateral cholesteatomas removed). So obviously my hearing was somewhat impacted due to the post-surgical swelling and irritation.
I was so humiliated to know that he’d been making comments to me throughout the entire show…I really had no idea, and never would have purposely made sounds that would impact his hearing and enjoying his tv show. My husband said the comments were like:
“Boy, I’ve been looking forward to this show for a long time. Sure would like to hear it…”
“Sure wish people would simmer down so that I can hear this.”
“It would sure be nice if things were quiet.”
Absolutely *devastated* to have made him so angry. He is usually such a sweet and gentle person. I know for a fact that my MIL doesn’t care for me much, but I always thought that my FIL liked me. I was soooo humiliated and sad, and I asked my husband why he didn’t alert me to what was going on. “You generally don’t respond well to criticism, and we were trying to avoid calling you out.”
I’m a sensitive person emotionally (an empath and a “dirty sponge” – I tend to soak up the emotions of everyone around me, good or bad. It sucks. And I am angry that my husband, my FIL, my MIL, and my 17 year old daughter didn’t alert me to the fact that I was disturbing my FIL’s enjoyment. I’m hurt that my my FIL didn’t just TELL me that he couldn’t hear, when it should have been obvious that I did not hear what he was saying. Or – imagine this – REWIND the damned show! It was stored on DVR, anyway.
I think my FIL’s behavior was rude and childish, but I still feel terrible about the whole situation, and my FIL barely spoke to me for the rest of the week. It ruined my vacation because I was so on edge, trying not to annoy him or anyone else.
Was I in the wrong? My husband thinks so. I think the way this went down was downright weird.
Edit: left out a word
19 comments
Yes, you are both rude. Certainly talking during a show that others are watching too is quite inconsiderate!! Your FIL was rude in how he addressed it. Just apologize and move on. This is not a big deal to ruin a trip.
So, are you as touchy as your husband indicated? With a change in hearing, people often raise their voices until a new normal is achieved. Did that happen here?
I am probably wrong, but you do not sound like you can take criticism and deflect with using being an empathy.
Let it go.
>“You generally don’t respond well to criticism, and we were trying to avoid calling you out.”
Followed by a paragraph of you blaming others in a particularly hostile and aggressive way. Seems like husband knows what he’s talking about?
Yes, you were in the wrong. FIL was passive-aggressive, which is also wrong.
Your defensiveness and need to throw blame onto everyone around you makes this about 10x more complicated than it should be.
Thank you all for the honest replies.
It sounds like your father in law was beating around the bush and making passive aggressive comments. People need to ask for what they want.
Answering questions and making light conversation during a show isn’t rude. Did you know beforehand that he liked to watch in complete silence? Regardless, he was being overly aggressive when he could have just politely said something. I don’t think you did anything that wrong, OP.
Your husband was wrong. Call fil and apologize with an explanation.
This is why I don’t go on extended family vacations.
Your husband should have nudged you and told you to keep quiet.
Your FIL should have spoken up.
You should know that it’s rude to talk while someone is watching TV.
How could you be wrong when no one actually told you what was going on til it was over?
Talk to your FIL. Tell him that due to you surgery you could not hear his comments during the show and didn’t know he had said anything until you husband told you later. Tell him that on the future, if there’s any kind of similar issue, please speak to you directly and frankly, but kindly, so you can know there’s an issue.
If he’s not an ass, he’ll understand that you weren’t ignoring him & purposefully ruining the show for him. Which is what he must have been thinking. He should of handled differently in the first place. But hopefully he’ll get how the misunderstanding happened and feel a little embarrassed at his own behavior.
Wtf? No you’re not in the wrong at all. Your FIL is super petty and your husband should have your back. You can still be sorry but that is super petty for your FIL to get upset over
If it went on for the whole show, he could have tapped you on the shoulder and asked you to keep it down because he was trying to watch, or something along those lines.
They were trying to avoid calling your or criticizing you by being passive aggressive instead of just like your husband whispering to you “I think my dad want to watch the show with our chatting during it.”
Your FIL was rude but so was your husband if he heard all of this and wasn’t like “Geez Dad you can rewind it and rewatch when we’re not all together if it’s that important” or politely letting you know everyone wanted to hear all the questions and commentary and the chatting was getting in the way.
The fact that your FIL couldn’t act like a grownup and just ask you if you could be quieter is ridiculous. WTF, use your words, people!
That your husband is taking his side and blaming you when HE could easily had said “Dear, would you mind being a bit quieter, Dad’s having a hard time hearing the show” is worse IMO.
Your husband needs to grow a spine and tell his dad to stop being passive aggressive.
I’m sorry they treated you like this.
Fuck that old cocksucker.
He should man up and actually ask you to please be quiet.
Not this passive aggressive bullshit.
And fuck everyone else in the room who can’t say anything either.
Yikes, that is horrible. I can totally put myself in your shoes, and I think someone should have kindly told you and allowed you to acknowledge the request.
I would suggest letting it go. I have a tendency to think one snappy comment from someone I care about means they dislike me or think I’m dumb, but I think telling yourself that it was just a one off occurrence and not worrying about it / extrapolating it out will be best for the health of the relationship.
Also… my family talks during shows. It’s part of the fun. My husband’s family does not, I think there is just some difference in upbringing. I wish they would lighten up lol. Half the fun is bantering while the show goes on!
I absolutely think your husband or daughter should’ve wrote out a text or something and asked you to quit commenting during the show.
Maybe you can write your FIL a card, explaining your side of things and apologize. Regardless of who is to blame, an apology would probably go a long way.
How in the hell didn’t you know what you where doing?
Just apologize and it will be forgiven.
You are responsible for your own behavior no should have had to tell you anything.
Your husband should have first brought it to your attention or stopped conversing with you to prevent you from disturbing your FIL. Next your husband should have stuck up for you. Your FIL maybe old and has some right to be upset although he could have handled it like a mature adult. But really this is your husbands fault. And maybe a little bit yours. Try to read the room In all social situations
You all need to grow up. Your FIL is an ass for making snide comments instead of just saying something or turning on the captions like an adult. Your husband should have alerted you instead of being too afraid to “call you out” so you don’t get upset. You being so sensitive that you let that one incident ruin your vacation is just ridiculous.