Tldr: my ex (m25) dumped me (m20) a couple of months ago, the way he did it was cruel and it left me in a really bad situation. Now he’s trying to get back together and I can’t figure out what I want to do.
My ex and I were together for about 2 years. We liked each other for a few years before then, he’s my best friend’s older brother so we knew each other for a long time, but we “officially” got together when I turned 18. I went to university in the nearest city to our hometown which is where he was living. I went to student accommodation in my 1st year but in my 2nd year I moved in with him into the 1-bedroom flat he was already renting (I just paid him half rent/bills rather than actually being on the tenancy which I see now was a mistake).
I really thought we were happy but in my 2nd year of studying he started getting annoyed about me not spending enough time with him or being too tired or stressed out. I’ve always been a very upbeat and confident person and he kept saying he missed the “old” me but obviously life at uni is a lot more stressful than being at school so of course I changed. I do understand his point but my course (architecture) has a very high workload and I was working part-time whereas he had a 9 – 5 office job. I’m not saying that’s easy but at least he could switch off on evenings and weekends. I was working, not having fun, and if I socialised with someone other than him he’d get jealous and ask why I had time for them not him.
Every couple of weeks we’d fight, then he’d apologise and be really nice for a bit, but then the exact thing happened again except every time it seemed worse. I stopped trying to see friends or do hobbies and I spent all my free time with him but it wasn’t good enough. He started accusing me of cheating on him which I would never ever do – he was the only person I’d even kissed never mind the stuff he was accusing me of. He dumped me during a huge fight, he said really hurtful things then said he was done with me and literally shoved me out of the house without my keys and dropped my phone and wallet out the window for me to pick up off the ground.
I had to sofa surf with friends until I found a room to rent (there’s a shortage of housing in our city so it was hard). He tried to get me to talk to him but I refused and blocked him even though I missed him desperately. I sorta spiralled, my new living situation ended up being really bad and something horrible happened. Things have been extremely difficult for me ever since.
Him and his sister (my best friend) are close and recently she told him some of what’s going on though I asked her not to – she genuinely thought she was doing the right thing and she didn’t know how bad the break up was. We’ve been back in contact and he’s extremely apologetic. He’s sorta pushing to get back together and on one hand I know it’s probably a really bad idea but on the other hand it’s really hard to resist because I still love him and he’s saying everything I want to hear.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t think anyone in my life really has a balanced view. My best friend really wants us to get back together and is painting a really positive picture which obviously I want to believe because I want to get back together. Most other people in my life don’t like or trust him. My parents absolutely hate him (a lot of that is due to the age gap, they think we were sleeping together when I was underage which isn’t the case).
He says things will be different if I give him another chance. He says he didn’t even mean the things he said (e.g. accusing me of cheating) and he hadn’t expected me to actually leave. He said he lashed out because he felt neglected and promises he won’t do that again. I don’t really know about that though… the fact that he was hurting me on purpose and can just decide not to do that anymore almost makes it worse for some reason. I don’t know if he realises how bad it actually felt and how much it messed me up.
I know no one can make the decision for me but can I please have some advice about the sort of things I should be thinking about as I weigh it up? I know there are so many reasons not to go back to him, but no matter how much I tell myself that I still desperately want to and I feel like I’ll regret not giving him one more chance.
8 comments
Nope. Don’t do it. Find your self worth and recognize you deserve more.
I can’t believe this has to be said because… Really?
This guy is abusive. He dumps you in a heartless, cruel way, and you don’t know what to do???
Really?
STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!!
Block him on everything and stay away from him!!!!
This isn’t your person. Express to your bestie that though you know how much she loves her brother (and you did at one time too), the way he treated you changed your outlook on how a future would be possible with him.
And do not get back together with this person unless you don’t have that nagging feeling it’ll happen again. I do think there are times of weakness and insecurity in even the best peoples lives, and potentially this is one for him. That said, if this disrespect becomes a pattern (which is far more likely, I think), you’ll find yourself down in weak moments with that human again and again.
Move on. You’re young and in a really beautiful part of life. You need to live and thrive and determine what your life as your own adult makes the best sense to you. I highly doubt an older, cruel partner is what you deserve.
This feels like a love bombing and then abusive cycle.. you’re going to end up right back in the same cycle feeling miserable. I’d stay away personally
Tell everyone else is back off. Your friends have given you their opinion, it’s time for them to shut up. Their meddling isn’t helpful.
You know you don’t feel safe with your ex.
You know he was manipulative, accusatory and irrationally jealous.
You know he deliberately hurt you.
You know he cannot deal with normal stress and socializing without threatening your basic physical safety.
You may always wonder what if, but you can be damn sure you will regret giving him one more chance. He is not safe. He is still making excuses and rationalizations for the way he was dangerous and emotionally abusive. He will not be safe in the future.
You’re stressed out and your life is tough. It will be tougher and more stressful with him. End contact. Expect him to respect that. Figure your shit out without him involved.
You’ve already been manipulated and traumatized to completely uproot how you happy you used to be, leave him if safe to do so and get counseling. This will ruin you for a long time if you don’t seek assistance.
>He says things will be different if I give him another chance.
No, they won’t.
Once dumped, things will never be as good as they once were.