So I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years, lived together renting for the past 1 year. We’re at the point where she’s looking to move forwards in terms of the relationship, buy a house, settle down and look to marry/have children in the next couple years. I’ve got massive resistance towards this. I’ve been trying to be open/honest and communicate this with her, and she’s been understanding, but it’s now at the point where she’s saying that she needs me to be able to commit and buy a house otherwise I need to let her go (fair enough on her part).
Because I’ve not been wanting to break up at the minute, i’ve been going along with the house viewings she’s arranged. Even put an offer on a few for the practice. Throughout the past few weeks I’ve repeatedly voiced this resistance I’ve had that feels like I’m not sure if I want to do this and maybe I’m not ready yet, but the multi-hour long conversations more or less end in the same situation – that she wants to move forwards, sees it as the logical next step, and if I’m not comfortable then that’s the decision to not move forwards.
So basically one house viewing three weeks ago, she sees it and wants to put down an offer, I’m hesistant but agree. We end up getting the house. My initial gut reaction is fuck, I don’t want this, panic. She calms me down and says look it’s not permanent yet it takes 3 months and we can pull out any time if you have to. Over the next 2 weeks we have some difficult decisions. One such encounter was me saying I’m not sure about it, and her saying okay you can call up and cancel it then. For the rest of the evening it really felt like we were about to break up. It was really sad – we were both crying and there was a lot of pain. We talked for a few hours – and hugged/reconciled. Whilst initially I was feeling like maybe it was for the best, at the end I was struggling to see how I could live without her and throw away all the good things we have.
The last two weeks have been exhausting to say the least. My brain has been constantly flip flopping between ‘I can’t go through with this’ to ‘I can’t lose her and throw away a good thing’. I know it’s not healthy and it’s really not fair on her, but I just feel so stuck in making the decision to commit or walk away basically. What the doubts/feelings of not wanting to do this are a gut feeling of settling maybe, or thinking is there someone more compatible for me out there, or some aspects of her personality like thinking she could be more confident or have more interests in line with me. It’s been a predominant feeling throughout the relationship. When I think about the relationship over the past 3 years, it’s had its ups and downs. I tried to break up with her at 1.5 years for the same reason, but after >24h I was thinking it was the wrong decision and was in a lot of pain regretting and we got back together, I was thinking that maybe I didn’t give it a fair enough go or work on the relationship enough, or maybe the feelings I’ve had were just part of me/my mood and I’d feel the same at this point in any long term relationship. 1.5 years later I seem to be in a similar predicament. She’s often been the one that’s reassured me that she’s chosen to stay with me and accepted the risk (of her being older and being conscious of biological clock etc) because she sees a future with us.
What’s difficult is there are some really good parts to the relationship. She consistently tells me that it’s the best relationship she’s had, we talk well, care for each other, look after each other. We try and be silly, she loves me deeply, and we’ve had some good moments.
I guess in terms of my emotions since this predicament and the flip flopping, there’s an underlying sense of panic and indecision that I’ll make the wrong decision no matter what, with so many doubts circulating. Idk if this is just a sign I’m messed up from attachment issues (fearful avoidant), or if it’s gut feelings I should listen to. If i’m messed up maybe I don’t know how good I’ve got it and maybe I should just buy the house. The feeling I have of feeling unsatisfied/unfulfilled with her I just don’t know if it’s a sign that I need to work on myself more instead or something like that, if I’d feel it with anyone. I don’t know if this fear to buying the house is because it’s a fear of commitment that needs to be pushed through. I know there’s no right answer really, which also tears me apart inside. And I don’t want to stay with her out of fear of being alone/not finding anyone like her again, which I think may be playing a part in this.
As you can tell there’s a lot of overthinking, self-doubt, and fear here. Is the fact I’m even questioning it this much a sign? When I think about losing her it’s absolutely heartbreaking to not see her after work everyday, play with our cat and go on little adventures. I still love her and want to make her happy. And I can kind of think myself into seeing us having a good time in our new house and feel excited (which confuses me more). But then idk if that’s all just fantasy/future thinking and not looking at now, and evidence from the past 3 years, which is not feeling that fulfilled when I’m with her on dates and things. I seem to be a different person almost with other people than her – like I don’t seem to put as much conversation etc or have as much energy with her.
TLDR: I (27M) have been flipflopping about buying a house with my girlfriend (30F) or breaking up with her if I feel this much resistance towards buying the house. Put an offer in for house, actually got it, now on a time pressure to decide. Don’t know what to do, time has pretty much run out. Feel torn between leaving or pushing through the fear and going for it.
Edit/update: Thanks everyone for your replies. I had a chat with her not long after making the post as there were documents to sign. I told her that I couldn’t go through with it, it was too much for me. It now feels like we’re breaking up and it’s extremely painful. Whilst part of me is thinking this is probably for the best, the other part is screaming that I don’t want this or to lose her. On reflection, I’m remembering that the underlying feeling of doubt/settling I have with her due to a lack of connection at times (there have been times where I feel very connected to her) – and wondering is this something that could be worked on or part of my dismissive attachment style to work on. To clarify I’ve also been getting therapy for 4 months now, which has helped a little bit but still feel conflicted.
48 comments
After writing all of that out, do you see things more clearly? If a stranger had written this, what would you think?
Do you want a future with her that includes all the things she wants?
If the answer is anything other than yes, it’s a no and you need to let her go. Ambivalence, especially after this long, means no.
Listen, owning a house is HUGE, if you are not 100% in on buying a house, do not do it. It is so much work on a constant basis even if the house is in perfect brand new condition. It will take up all of your time and money and you will have arguements about things you never thought were even the slightest bit important like lawn care and the color of the kitchen counter.
It is way easier to walk away from a relationship than home ownership.
I’m sorry, but the answer seems a bit obvious here. You’re wondering whether or not to break up with her, or buy a house with her where you’ll be tied to her for years? And things would become 10x more complex and difficult if you were to break up? I mean…
If you are unsure, dont compound the problem by buying a house together. “Pushing through” sounds like you are forcing yourself to do something awful. Your gf may be pushing for commitment, but if you dont feel the same, the relationship wouldnt be fair to either of you and then you are stuck figuring out how to split up the house you just bought
There was too much to read here as I’m
Short on time, but do not do this. I got pressured into staying in a relationship and ultimately getting engaged then marrying. It was weak of me, and I regret wasting a good portion of my younger years not listening to my gut. It is going to hurt, no doubt, but when you both want different things, you have to accept that as the sign to move on.
Imagine your baby sister or closest female buddy was dating a man and said she found a post written by her boyfriend and she showed you this.
What would you tell a woman to do in a relationship with a bf who felt like this about her?
No. Doesn’t sound like you are excited about a future with her. But I’m just an internet stranger so I do not know.
Here is what I read in all that. “I just wasted three years of a lady’s life.”
Was she honest from the beginning on what she wanted? Did she say I just wanted to date and have no future together?
I am not saying you should stay with her. I am saying you should leave her RIGHT NOW so she can find a man who has similar goals in life before it is too late for her, because you obviously don’t.
Dude oh my god, just break up with her.
I almost bought a house with someone I had doubts about. He wanted to invest in property more than I did, I didn’t really want the responsibility of home ownership and massive debt and lack of options to move around as we please. As I simmered on my doubt, the process moved forward. Mortgage approval, parents involved, touring houses together. In many ways, it was a fun activity to “play house” and imagine our future together.
The relationship was good, but it wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t the right fit for me. And I knew that deep down in my heart of hearts, and my brain tried to whisper it to me throughout the years and I actively squashed it down because I was terrified of change, I was terrified of ending a relationship that seemed “good”. I clung to every positive part of the relationship and desperately tried to silence the doubts. When I read Reddit posts that mirrored my relationship, where all the comments advised breaking up, I would feel nauseous.
This was years ago, and we did break up. Every day, I am SO FUCKING THANKFUL that we did not buy property together. When we stopped looking at houses, I felt like I could breathe again. It was a weight lifted off my shoulders and I didn’t even realize how heavy it had become.
The thing is, the doubts I had at 1 year were the same doubts I had at 3 years, were the same doubts I had when we broke up at 5 years. And it was confusing because there were a lot of good things in that time, and a lot of improvement on both our ends. But if we bought property together, we still would have broken up. But in addition to the heartache, there would have been financial and legal implications that would have worn me down for years.
You need to put yourself first. Listen to your heart. Don’t lead a life where you opt out of decision making due to forward momentum. Don’t lead a life where you make decisions out of fear. Remember that the right thing to do is often the hardest, but you will feel better for it in the end.
A couple of things come to mind:
1) Could she finance the house herself? Would she WANT to own the house on her own in case you two split up? The housing market isn’t easy right now, and if she wants the stability, then it would be an option for her to own the house on her own for now, if she can pay for it.
2) When you broke up 1.5 years ago, I don’t think you actually found a solution to your commitment problem. You just went back to her because you love her and you had basically a love withdrawal. But the issue still persists, so this will continue to cause harm no matter what you do. If you have general commitment issues, then any new partnership will go down the same path. You need to get behind this, seriously, and work through your issues if you ever want a chance at having a stable longterm relationship.
I think: if your girlfriend can afford to, then she should own the house for now on her own and you should contribute as a renter for now. Get some professional help for your issues ASAP and set yourself and her a timeline for your projected progress. For example, if you haven’t gotten any better within the next year, then you should let her go and find a partner who actually supports her in the ways she needs. She wants a family and she only has like five years left until it gets harder and riskier to have kids. No shame to older parents, my own parents were 35 (mom) and 39 (dad), but it wasn’t easy for them.
Right now you’re stringing her along while you’re not pulling your weight in terms of working through your issues. She NEEDS to be able to move forward with her life.
At some point in the very near future, you need to decide whether you’re in or out. And you need to stick to that when it comes down to it. But you also need to evaluate your relationship and your own issues with someone who’s been trained to ask you all the questions that can lead you to answers, and who can call you out on your bs and help you to figure out 100% whether you have general commitment issues (which you NEED to work through) or whether you actually don’t want to commit to HER specifically because you don’t think you two should be together in the long run.
Good luck!
I think you’re scared to lose her, you like the comfort the relationship brings and you like her, but not enough to really be her partner in life. You’re being selfish. Stop wasting her time and break up with her.
man just think of ur poor girl though, you’ve been leading her into thinking that you do want a future with her when u clearly don’t, do her a favour and let her go, u guys had a good run but u just have different goals :/
Don’t buy a house together if your having thoughts of breaking up that should be self evident lol
I think if you had this much to write, you know the answer already. I’ve been with my partner for 4 years now, and we can’t afford to buy a place together yet but I would jump at the opportunity to do so. Getting your first place with your partner should be one of the happiest moments of your life. If you are going through so much “pain” just thinking about whether or not to go through with this or leave, it’s pretty obvious that you know what you need to do… you’re just in denial. It’s okay to end a long term relationship. It’s okay to love someone, but not be IN love. And think about how she feels. Let her be happy.
There’s nothing any of us can say that will make this decision easier. I’m an over thinker too, and it FEELS like you’re doing something when you turn it over to other people to dissect, but that doesn’t actually make it any easier. We will all just bring up new feelings and thoughts that complicate the situation further.
I do think you’re afraid of commitment and are avoidant. I absolutely think you should pull out of the house. It’s a huge decision and if you end up breaking up with her and you’re still on the house together, that will be a very tricky situation.
I think you need therapy. There’s something else going on here that is causing these attachment issues. I strongly recommend counselling. You and her both deserve better.
You’re scared to lose the comfort of a relationship, but to be blunt with you, you’re also ruining this relationship with your indecision. And you’re treating her poorly. I think you should tell her what’s going on and seek counselling/therapy (and pull out of the house) OR break it off with her and face the consequences.
She deserves a partner that’s excited to have a long life together. If you do break up with her, do NOT string her along again. Break it off clean and let her move on with her life. Don’t hang around.
Holy fucking shit dude you’re putting in offers on houses you don’t want to buy just to avoid dealing with your emotions and taking responsibility for your half of the relationship? Break up and get therapy.
I think you already know the answer to this, hence why you’re here and continually talking about “flip flopping” with emotions.
Jfc. Without reading anything other than the title of this post….
If the two options you are considering are “buy a house together” and “break up” you OBVIOUSLY are not anywhere near being ready to buy a house together.
She wants kids sometimes soon. If you keep pretending you want settle and have all that too, she will loose her chance to have them.
It is pretty clear youndont want the same future she wants. That is ok, but you really have to let her go. Don’t string her up, don’t waste her time.
Holy shit you are acting like a self-centered piece of garbage. You don’t want to commit to her at all but keep pretending and LYING to her and LEADING HER ON because you…what, don’t want to let her have what she desires in life? You don’t want a house or kids or marriage, so instead of being a fucking adult and letting her go find someone who DOES want those things, you’re leading her on? You’re trash. I hope she finds this and dumps you. She deserves better, you selfish lying jackass.
This was exhausting to read.
Your poor girlfriend. She has to carry all the emotional weight of your relationship because you are clearly incapable of making decisions for yourself despite being a grown man. Break up with her and learn how to act like an adult without dragging someone down with you. Also since you clearly don’t seem to have the balls to break up with her yourself, maybe have a friend send her this Reddit thread and hope to god she realizes how much better off she would be without you. She’s a human not an emotional support pillow for when you feel lonely good god.
As someone who also has fear of commitment, I can relate to this. It sounds like it’s not just fear of commitment though. You have serious specific doubts about your partner. You are on the proverbial fence. Here’s the thing, do you want to be with someone you’re on the fence about? The same hurricane is going to come around with marriage, kids, any other big decision… Your indecision about her is not going to change magically after spending three years together. Rip the band-aid and leave.
If you are flip-flopping, you need to just end it. She wants to move forward, you don’t. Stop wasting her time.
Do you actually want to be with her or are you just scared of being alone?
I was your girlfriend in this situation a few years ago, with a guy who didn’t know if he wanted to commit. Now, I’m happily married with a house and a baby. Not to that guy, I met a lovely man who knew what he wanted without us having to go back and forth on whether he actually wanted to be with me for years on end.
Firstly, please don’t buy a house with this woman. Because you’re not married and it’s just a bad idea because of that, even if you were in a healthy relationship.
Secondly, please break up with her, because this is a mess, and you are wasting her time. It’s not your fault if you’re not ready for what she wants, BUT it is your fault for leading her on. You’re just comfortable where you are and prioritizing your own comfort over her future and happiness.
Let her go find someone who wants what she wants, please.
If it’s not a hell yes , it’s a hell no, let her go
Just let her go and stop using her as a safety net.
You’re scared of losing someone, that I’m sure you care about. BUT don’t confuse being scared of change as a reason not to change… You aren’t ready to commit, and are making big steps with your partner towards commitment that suggest otherwise. Be honest with yourself and your partner. You don’t have to be scared of being alone, if you ignore your feelings …what is the alternative? Taking these steps (kids, house, marriage) towards commitment and hurting your partner/yourself, because you aren’t ready? It’s not worth it.
It’s OKAY for you not to be ready. But she is ready, so you need to decide what is best for her and yourself. Accept that and let go of the relationship, so she can have what she wants/deserves. And you will find happiness in waiting or not forcing yourself to commit to something you shouldn’t.
OP I read your post because I was looking for the reasons you’d list as why you wouldn’t work together as a couple. You didn’t provide any reasons however it was very clear one point: you don’t trust yourself. You utilize language that displays some level of emotional intelligence. Have you considered seeking therapy to explore and address your feelings that some may perceive as apathy but what you clearly notice is a thing about not trusting yourself?
This is a very real and legitimate feeling that could have absolutely nothing to do with your partner.
Putting in offers on houses isn’t testing the waters
You are going to have to be straight with her and stop flipflopping. The whole essay, honestly, is exhausting to read.
BREAK UP. She needs someone ready. You’re NOT ready.
No matter how valuable she is as a person/partner, probably the ‘love of your life trope,’ obviously..YOU’RE NOT for her. She deserves to MOVE ON.
I think she should have realized this when you’re having your panic attack. Perhaps it’s denial, perhaps it’s her trying to ‘hang on’ (because it is tough to just break up after 3 years), but she should realize this either have or will, soon.
look at it this way: would you want to be with a partner who is this hesitant about being with you? Or would you rather be with someone who knows without a doubt they want a future with you and is ready to work through their personal issues? It’s been 3 years and you’re still hesitant :/
Ending a relationship is hard but these doubts are an indicator it’s the right thing to do, in my opinion. You both deserve someone you’re excited about.
Your waffling is going to cause her immense amounts of pain if you keep her on the hook like that. If you love this woman, please break up with her and let her go, immediately.
**Just break up. For the love of god. Just do it. Enjoy the rest of your 20s and explore new people and let her go into her 30s in peace.**
OP, reading how overcomplicated you’re making this was frankly exhausting. If you’re *that* confused after 3 years of dating, please just break up with her. When you find the right person, I promise it’s not this complicated or confusing. Just because someone is a good person doesn’t mean they’re *your* person. And if you feel as if you’re settling, or don’t see her as being good enough for you, then why is the solution to sign a contract worth hundreds of thousands of dollars together?
Honestly, I hope your gf dumps you. She deserves better. I got tired from reading this and stepping inside your indecisive brain for two seconds. The mental gymnastics you’re playing is nuts. Based on the post, it seems like she’s too mature for you. She seems like she cares for you, is a 30 year old woman with a good head on her shoulders looking to settle down and buy a house. You seem like you don’t want to settle down yet and want to explore more in dating and just enjoy your youth. You have a lot of maturing and growing up to do, and she is probably hoping you’ll end it as she doesn’t want to. I’m rooting for her to come to her senses and do it.
Go no contact for a year. If you’re destined to be together, you’ll find a way back. But if you’re not—which I suspect—you’ll look back a year later and wonder why you were so worked up about it.
GO TO A COUPLES THERAPIST NOW
I went through this exact thing with my now husband. He wasn’t ready and I was. I needed to not take this personally and I also needed to stop pushing him. He needed to figure out what was holding him back (he has an issue with crippling indecision). The therapist can’t just dig this out of course but what he did do was get us to talk to each other and listen to each other without sugar coating things, avoiding harsh truths and not taking the truths we did share personally. It was SO helpful. Husband was, of course, super against it at first and ended up being a huge fan of it after like 2 sessions.
I’m so glad we didn’t just see it in black and white and go “whelp, time to break up because if we’re not ready now we’ll never be ready” or whatever soundbite advice we were fed by everyone. There are nuances to these things. If you actually want to explore what’s going on here, go to a therapist.
If this step in your relationship is not exciting, don’t make it.
I’m not sure what you should do but you cannot put all of this on her. You need to be talking to a therapist, or a confidant you trust but not to her about your back and forth fears.
You need to do better for her here. I don’t see any signs in your post at all that she is not good for you, or that your relationship is otherwise unhealthy, which makes me think that, yeah, probably you have a fear of commitment and that is the main issue going on in the relationship. Unfortunately, these things tend to get worse with age and failed relationships, so statistically, if you leave her and go your own way in your life your attachment issues likely will only get worse, not better with other people. It feels very unfair to her what you have written in this post, though.
Please break up with her. She deserves someone who cannot wait to share a future together with her, not view her as “settling”. You’re being awful and cruel. Just let her go so she can find her person.
Do you have anxiety? As someone with anxiety, I also deal with indeciveness and overthinking with decision making.
If you haven’t considered it, I would consider therapy so you can nail down the reason why you have not committed or why you feel uncomfortable with these decisions. And I would tell your girlfriend that you aren’t willing to make this investment until you’ve been to therapy to figure out the root of the problem and how you can fix it.
You wouldn’t be doing your gf any favors buying a house when you aren’t sure. But also be aware that she doesn’t have to wait for you to figure it out either. If she truly loves you and sees a future with you, then she will see the acknowledgement that this is a problem for you and that you are taking a step to fix it as a good thing, and she should be supportive of that.
But definitely don’t get the house yet given what you’ve said in your post.
If you really love her you need to think about this from her perspective. You are sending mixed signal by telling her you don’t want to buy a house but also going to showings and putting in offers. You obviously want different things than her, and you seem to be stringing her along for your own benefit. This isn’t fair to her. Good relationships can’t be selfish, they have to be open to compromise and they have to make both people happy. You need to realize that while you may love her, you also need to do what is best for her.
It sounds like you think this situation could possibly be caused by a fear of commitment; have you considered talking to a therapist or someone about this?
You need to work on yourself.
Let her go. Stop wasting anymore of her time.
Everything in this post is all me me me. Break up with her as you don’t have the capacity yet to say yes. And just remember that this isn’t just you – it’s her, and the people who think they’re about to sell their house and you are just keeping everyone in limbo because you don’t know. One this is for sure, break up and you’ll know whether it was the right decision long term as you’ll either breathe a sigh of relief or realise you made a mistake.
At the moment you’re just operating from a position of fear. You don’t know what the outcome is long term, neither does anyone else. So quite honestly – it doesn’t matter what decision you make, you can only decide based on the information you have at the time.
And stop offering on fucking houses you don’t intend to actually buy.
Leave her so she can find someone who wants the same things as her. You clearly don’t and the best thing for her is for you to break up.
It would be incredibly selfish if you stayed together
You said, “she loves me deeply.” You didn’t say, “we love each other deeply.” Just let this poor girl go so she can find her match. Stop wasting her time.