me & my best friend are 20f, the ex/friend is 20m. i’ll try my best to summarize.
me and “ex” (G, from now on) were fooling around during june-september 2019, shortly after we met in may of that year. i didn’t want a relationship but he did. he left me for a girl i had problems with. our friendship was great though, so i didn’t cut him off.
me & my best friend (W from now on) have been friends for 9 years and best friends for 5 years. she’s always had a history of talking to multiple guys at once and had boyfriends at a young age.
the 3 of us would only see each other during the summer, so fast forward to april 2020, G is calling me telling me he’ll be able to see me & W this summer. he also reveals that W gave him a lap dance shortly after we broke things off (or maybe during the last days of the fling, can’t remember.) i don’t believe him at the time.
W denies the lap dance thing. that summer, i barely see G but i’m with W a lot, just like usual. things seem normal, though i did see G call W “mamas” which made me suspicious. i asked about it, she said they’re just friends.
fast forward again, this time to present day (well, a few days ago, but still). G had removed me from social media in january of this year. however, when i saw W last week, she mentioned that he called her back in november. curious to see if he was still alive (given his past… and present), i add him again and message him.
i ask him questions, he asks me questions… everything’s chill. until he mentions W. and the fact that they had been “talking” in summer 2020. i tell him i had no idea. he offers to explain the whole thing over a phone call when he has the free time. i say okay.
he hasn’t been able to talk yet. but i just don’t know what to do. W has never judged me or done me wrong in the past or talked shit about me. G has hurt me by getting with a girl who did me dirty right after we broke things off, and he knew about the beef as well.
**should i hear him out? should i confront W about it? and what if she denies it again? i hate confrontation but i also hate being kept in the dark.**
**TL;DR – my “ex” told me that he and my best friend hooked up for a few months a year after we broke things off. my best friend didn’t tell me about it. not sure what to do. feel like a huge fool.**
2 comments
Sounds like a hurtful dynamic. And it’s not uncommon in 20s.
I was there. I was very interested in a guy, and best friend hooked up with him despite knowing the whole dynamic. I didn’t stay friends with her. He and I both grew up, married others, and then re met at a reunion w spouses and it was fun.
So in the end I ask you: is the relationship with W or G more important to you? What about 10 years from now? I picked the guy in this case.
Now all that said, my very best friend from high school also hooked up with a guy I was in and out of something with in undergrad and grad school. But she was my ride or die, and I lost touch with him.
So choose who matters. Notice who treats you respectfully. And, be open to hearing people out, and still setting boundaries for your peace. Not admitting, lying, hiding: jerk moves. I don’t have a great feeling about either of these characters.
As you get older, time invested in friends is precious. Are they worth your time and energy?
Good luck. You sound thoughtful. I made the mistake of being super nice to one guy who lied to me for years about something important. And I forgave easily. In retrospect those actions were so not ok. I was mistreated and should have cut people out.
If your friend is your priority, you two need to hash it out. Draw clear lines. You can understand how something happened, but in your girlfriend code it was not acceptable. The lying was worse. If you get agreement on that, she can rebuild trust over time. There’s that boomer adage my dad would say “trust, but verify”.
20s are confusing. It’s a great age to build lifelong friendships. I tend to not confront but let relationships flow. Over time my goal was meaningful, authentic lifelong friendships. And anyone who couldn’t do that I don’t have time for anymore with kids. That said, my closest circle of friends are like sisters. I trust them completely.
Keep meeting friends and partners. And I learnt something that served me: use these years to make a note of what qualities are super important to you in a lifelong partner if that’s a future goal. When crap happens you know “trustworthy, won’t lie” for example is on the list. “Listens well, won’t gaslight”. “Prioritizes you” etc. And after his, rebuild your confidence w self care. And then you put off this special energy, and it will magnetize the right kind of person to you.
But be specific. (I put trustworthy on my life list, and got it. I forgot to add “let’s me process verbally” and didn’t. So as an extrovert I’m with a complete introvert and my best friends are who help me sort things out. Wish I made “my partner is my best friend” a priority when picking a life partner too. 🙂 so I’m working on that one with him.