I love my fiance’s parents, but his father (65-years-old) has been experiencing what I can only describe as uncontrollable anxiety and a gradual nervous breakdown. Everyday life events and decisions that would not be a big deal to most people set him off into a nonstop spiral or paralysis – where to eat dinner, when to schedule a flight, which brand of toothpaste to buy – all become “situations.” For example, last year, a car window damaged by random freeway debris sent him off into obsessively worrying about insurance coverage, leading him to call my boyfriend repeatedly to rehash over and over again the various scenarios that the insurance policy would cover the damage. (We live on the other side of the country, my fiance is an only child, and he talks to his parents on an almost daily basis). My boyfriend’s family is very comfortable financially, so a car window that needs repairs would not pose financial problems, even without insurance.
Another thing complicating matters is that if my fiance or his mother disagree with the dad about anything, or even kindly suggest that he might be acting unreasonable, he accuses his family of ganging up on him. My fiance refers to this as his dad’s “victim complex.” As my fiance has described it, it allows his dad to shut down any conversation that might be at odds with his world view or personal opinions by saying that they’re just all against him, which really leaves no room for further discussion.
Sadly things came to a head this week when my fiance’s mother (a total sweetheart and on the softspoken side) called my fiance to say that she and her husband had a night-long argument because he had accused her of “hiding” information from him – basically saying that any conversation that she had had with other people and that he was not privy to was considered by him to be an act of betrayal. Clearly this is absurd and delusional, and even more absurd was my fiance’s dad’s solution of “solving the transparency problem” (his own words) by asking his wife to agree to brief him on any of her conversations he had not participated in.
The whole family seems absolutely miserable because of the dad’s anxiety, stubbornness, and increasing mental departure from reality. My fiance’s mother’s mental health is also suffering since she has to deal with the brunt of his behavior. I told my fiance that his dad desperately needs to see a therapist. As a possible diplomatic option, I also suggested couples counseling for his parents as his dad could possibly dig in his heels less if he saw their issues as a shared marital problem (which it is but, he seems to be contributing to most of the conflict). My fiance agrees that therapy is the right idea but insists that his father will inevitably resort to his “victim complex” and scoff at and resist therapy. They’re also from South Asia and I feel that there might be some cultural aversion to therapy, despite the family being generally open minded.
Tl;dr: Any recommendations on how to introduce therapy (individual, couples, etc.) to my fiance’s stubborn father who is undergoing a mental breakdown? Are there other approaches that we’re possibly overlooking?
2 comments
Is this normal for him or a big change? If it is a change he needs to see a doctor. This could easily be medical/physical.
I wouldn’t approach this with him at all at the moment.
The best advice right now is probably to connect your fiance’s mother with a good doctor, especially one with some cultural sensitivity, who is experienced with elderly patients. Your MIL can begin therapy on her own as well, so she has support and a place to gain strength and strategies, but shouldn’t be placed in couples counseling at this time. Your fiance is right that that will not fit well with the controlling and paranoid behaviors his dad is exhibiting. The short-term priority should be getting the mother competent outside support.
Your fiance’s father should be encouraged to get a check-up. If he has any behaviors he agrees are problems, focus on just those and encourage him to see this as a medical issue and not a mental one. Ask him to speak to his doctor about the things that are giving him trouble. Better still if he will let another adult join him in that conversation.
Your fiance’s father is *likely* experienced age-related mental illness. A good family doctor will probably be able to get things moving quicker and to have more immediate benefits (and could be an easier lift) than therapy.
If they don’t have a family physician, start looking for one. Ideally someone who is experienced with older patients, or even better, someone with whom they share some cultural touchpoints.
You’d probably both be better served by pivoting to supporting his mother, than to trying to convince his father of the situation. She’s the one with the power here, is the one who is likely going to benefit from the support the most. Don’t go to war with him. Arm her with a solid support team.