Hello, idk how to phrase all of this, I’m no native speaker but I’ll try my best. Tldr at the bottom.
I am 23m. My parents divorced 20 years ago and split custody. I would be at dads every other weekend and one week-day. Since then my father (50m) has had a lot of girlfriends. Until I was 9 I can think about 4 women I met. I absolutely adored two, hated one and can’t really remember the other one, I guess I was too young. I don’t know how long they dated, I don’t know how much time was in-between the relationships but as I know my father, not much, if any.
In 2008-ish he met Betty (59f). 2011 they welcomed my sister Jessy (11f) and even though I only saw her 2-3 days a week and I am 12 years older, we have a strong bond, always laugh and play together and we talk a lot. In 2016/17 dad and Betty told me that they would break up but for the sake of Jessy they acted like nothing happened. (My father would come home after work but sleep at his new gf’s place and would come back in the morning to wake up Jessy.) A few months later, when Jessy started going to school, Betty moved out of dad’s house and got an apartment nearby. His new gf Amber (30f) moved in with him and she and Jessy absolutely hit off. Amber was not really like a Stepmother, she was more like a best friend or a big sister to Jessy. Amber used to plan trips, birthdays, got Jessy into horseback riding etc. Amber and dad got a baby boy in 2020. Flint (2m) is a cute lil rascal but sadly I haven’t seen him a lot (Covid and I live 2h away). Jessy absolutely adored him.
Last year (Nov 2021) dad and Amber broke up. She and Flint moved back to her family who lives 300km/4h away. Amber is emotionally super dependent on her mother and honestly, to me it was just a matter of time. But I guarantee you, this relationship/breakup would be a whole new story on its own. We haven’t seen Flint irl since.
Needless to say that Jessy was heartbroken. When they told her she called me crying, screaming, she hyperventilated. She was devastated. I’m not good with words, I tried to comfort her but I was still a bit shocked because I just found out, too. (Like Amber sent me a text “I have broken up with your father, Jessy wants to talk to you. It’s urgent.” Thanks lol)
For maybe 4-5 months now he’s seeing someone and a few days ago he told me they were official. Kelly seems to be quite nice, she is 30s (idk honestly) and she has two kids (8m is physically disabled and 11f is a kindergarten friend of Jessy). I don’t really know her, just saw her when she picked up her daughter from Jessy’s birthdays but she seems nice and like a fun person I guess.
Jessy doesn’t like her and thinks she is “weird” for no specific reason. I’m quite sure it’s because of Amber and Flint and my father dating again and nothing against Kelly personally. And yes: my father started seeing her not even 2 months after the breakup of his long-term gf he has a child with. (Jessy doesn’t know that) He’s a great father but I don’t get it and he’s a douche for that. He also told me on my bday in January that he’s sorry he was so tired but he “had a long night *wink wink*”. So that’s also…great.
Jessy just got a new/her first phone and we text a bit. And I am wondering how I can talk to her about this. I mean I totally get her reaction and understand that this is not what she wants. I really want to comfort her. What do I say? I really want to tell her that dad is an adult and him dating a new woman is natural but I know that this wouldn’t mean anything to Jessy. Should I talk to my father about his dating habits? I of course can’t tell him not to date and he’s very stubborn and not that emotional/empathetic. He also asked what my sister thinks/told me. But I would not tell him ofc.
TL;Dr: ~6 months after the breakup of his long-term gf and a child together (2m) my dad has a new girlfriend and my sister (11f) hates her/hates this situation. How do I talk to her, what would comfort or help her? Also I live 2h away so communication is 80% via phone.
For clarification: my dad has 3 children with three women.
5 comments
Oh my god, is no one but you paying attention to your sister and the trauma all of these breakups and life changes and upheavals are putting her through?
Your dad never grew up. His priority should be you guys, not a lineup of women. Your sister has every right to hate this one. You know why? Because she has learned to not get attached to anyone new. Whether she knows it or not, she is just protecting herself from more heartache. She has been taught her whole life that everyone leaves. So what’s the point in caring about someone.
Btw your dad is a loser.
Your father isn’t a good father. He’s a shit father. Absolute, utter garbage. He only cares about himself and not one bit about all the children he’s putting into the world.
A child should be introduced after half a year, maybe a year, of having a relationship with someone. You know, when you know the relationship is stable and healthy. The keyword here is: *Introduced*. Introducing doesn’t mean moving that person in anytime soon.
Good parents put their children and their wellbeing first. Which means taking months, if not years, to move in with someone new (or move that someone in). It means providing the children with support and therapists after a breakup when needed. It means taking responsibility for what you are putting your children through when changing their life circumstances drastically.
Your father is doing nothing like that. He’s a horrible father. Whom he is dating is his decision and he isn’t obligated to wait after breaking up with someone when it comes to dating. But introducing that someone to your kids and moving in? Yeah, doing that the right way is his obligation – one he fails over and over and over.
Your sister needs therapy. Any child trapped in this household would need therapy. She also needs a stable environment your father isn’t providing for her. Can Betty get sole custody?
You can’t change your dad but you can relate to your sister. Listen to her. Tell her you remember having your feelings too and share how you felt.
Just be there and let her work through what she needs to feel better. You can set boundaries like “I can support listening to how you feel but let’s leave name calling out of it, ok? “. Encourage healthy solutions.
This ain’t about the girlfriend, this is about your dad creating an unstable childhood for this poor girl and the other kids he’s brought into this world with absolute disregard for their wellbeing. Jessy is going to be messed up from this constant cycle of women and new siblings, and it doesn’t sound like anyone has been there to help her navigate these feelings EXCEPT for the partners your dad discarded.