Everyone says it’s much harder to make close friends as you get older and everyone settles down to start a family, plus many people already happy with the social circle by 30 and aren’t looking to make more friends.
I found it hard to make friends ever since being bullied at school and now realising that it’s gonna get harder and harder is pretty disheartening.
Does anyone here have experiences where they did make good friends with people after the age of 35 (just because I’m nearly 35)?
7 comments
Sure.
I’ve made close friends with people I’ve worked with. A guy I started working with on the railroad; we got hired the same day, we’re both from the same city (but about 6 years apart), our (then new) wives were both the same age, with the same birthday. We have dinner together, and I’ve been there for events from their daughter’s first birthday to her college graduation.
In my late 40s and 50s, I’ve made friends in my new town. We go to ball games and concerts together, go to each other’s homes for poker or barbecues. They aren’t the same as my lifelong best friends, but they are good friends.
Man, I hope some wisdom shows up because I feel this way too. Used to party lots, and have lots of buddies. Moved away for a job, have a family now, a great property, cool hang out in my shop, lots of toys, and no friends. I’m thinking of taking the couch out of my shop because looking at it depresses me.
Work is my playground and where I meet new people.
I’m sure you can, but I know I haven’t. Late 40’s and between work, wife & kid, we jsut don’t get the time we had when we were younger. I think that’s the key to building those friendships…time. Just like all relationships. And a lot of us don’t have the time to spare as we age.
I have 1,000 “buddies”, 4 or 5 real friends. And they’ve all been in that spot for 20+ years.
So, if you have the time, go spend it with some friends.
The key is to develop hobbies, you get a guaranteed shared interest. If you go places that plays music you like your odds are even better (e.g. if you like rock climbing and there are two gyms near you and one plays music you like, go to that one). Music it’s a great indicator of shared interests.
Bonus you get to do something you like anyways.
My friends are better the older I get. Maybe it’s because I live abroad and all the expats rely on each other to stay sane, but I honestly miss pretty much nobody I knew before the age of 30.
But, I’m in a lot of clubs and social groups that are designed to help people find friends.
Absolutely! I have found that in my mid 30s I meet people who know more about who they are and what they want. There’s a lot less drama and we all feel free to be ourselves.
I’ve met the majority of these friends through shared interest groups and activities, but bumble bff has also been very handy. In my experience though the difference in my ability to make friends is to do two things. 1) don’t force friendships where you don’t connect after one or two meetups and 2) if you have something in common, try to go do that thing as soon as possible early in the friendship. Make a real plan and follow through. So many people say they’re interested in hanging out, it’s the immediate follow through that is essential for convincing people with busy schedules that you are serious about friendship and you can prove to each other that you’ll create time and space in your life for meaningful platonic relationships.
Here is my formula for making solid friendships, in case you find it useful:
1) Embrace your weird. Be yourself from the beginning. Look for people with matching interests and perspectives through shared interest groups.
2) Like with OLD, don’t try to force relationships just based on proximity. Look for people who are at similar life stages and have similar interest in investing time and are open.
3) Make an initial plan to meet up (or video chat if it’s an online group) as soon as possible. Choose an activity with a limited time frame (bowling, a movie, a museum visit) for your first encounter.
4) If you mesh in person, plan a second meet within the same 4 week period. Either repeat the activity or go for a walk or get ice cream or something – short, sweet, indicates follow up interest.
5) At this point, pay attention to the reciprocal nature of the relationship. Do they indicate interest or take on making a plan? Are you making all the effort? Decide whether or not to proceed based on this. If no, don’t waste your energy. If yes, think about an activity where you and one or two of your new friends can do something together so you can start to create a new friend group.
Caveats: I’m a single woman with no pets or kids, so I meet people of all genders and I’m not aiming for couple activities. Three of my new friends appreciate that they can take their pets and/or kids to hang out with me but I try to do child or pet free things with the others until I know how they feel. So far in the last 2 years I’ve made 13 friends. 3 I know already will be lifetime friends, the others are great while I’m available and flexible but might fade out over time. Either way I’m happy to have new people to hang out with. I hope this helps a little, feel free to DM if you have questions.