My (f17) boyfriend (m17) has no boundaries with his best friend (m17)

For context my bf and I have been together officially for about 9 months but we kinda dodged the question for a while and have been dating for about a year. My bf and his best friend Tom (fake name) have been best friends since elementary school. Throughout their childhood Tom has struggled with depression and has come close to attempting multiple times, one time resulting in my bf calling toms parents. This ended up with Tom in therapy which he no longer attends. This event has caused my bf to be very sensitive and feel a lot of responsibility when it comes to Toms feelings. 

He constantly prioritizes Tom when it comes to our relationships. Any time I’m with him and Tom calls he always stops to answer, but when I call him and he is with Tom I get sent to voicemail. He never tells Tom that he is with me when these calls happen, in order to get off the phone he lies and says he’s doing something with his family. His reasoning for this is because he doesn’t want Tom to feel like he’s choosing me over him. I find this particularly ironic because he is actively choosing Tom over me. This has never bothered me to any large extent because I understand their past  together and even though he doesn’t tell Tom where he is, we still hang out 2 to 3 times a week. I will admit that it hurts that he feels he has to hide me from Tom but I try not to take it personally because I know my bf is just trying to please everyone and it has nothing to do with me as a person. 

I also don’t resent him for it because he is kind of dense and I’ve never outright said it bothers me, although I have implied it pretty clearly a few times in which he dodges the conversation. I think my bf views me as more stable than Tom and that is why his priorities are the way that they are even though I also have been diagnosed with an anxiety and depressive disorder but I tend to not burden my bf with my mental health. 

Anyway as I was saying I’ve been tolerating this until about a week ago when we went to our schools prom. A friend of mine who we’ll call Sophia asked Tom to be her date and I was obviously going with my Bf. I already knew Tom being there was going to be a problem because Sophia and Tom have gone on a double date with my bf and I and the whole time my bf and Tom completely ignored us. I was hopeful tho that he’d realize that he was my prom date and would not blow me off. 

Also some information I’d like to add in is that I asked my bf to prompose to me, just because I like little cringe things like that and I’d like to experience it at least once and this was my senior prom, and he refused. He does have social anxiety so I understand but it could’ve just been a one on one thing and it didn’t have to be big or anything even like a cupcake with prom crappily writing on it in icing would’ve made my world. He also refused to get me flowers when I asked which I didn’t care too much about it was just that everyone else was getting flowers for their dates and I didn’t know what I would do with my hands in the pictures. It more bothered me because I asked and told him itd make me happy and he didn’t do anything.  

After prom, my group was going to have a big sleepover at my house and Tom had to leave early the next day so he was going to drop his car off at my house and I was going to drive all of us to the location of our jitney. While my bf and I were getting ready, Tom called him to tell him he was heading over. My bf proceeded to stay on the phone with him for the entire duration of his driver over to give him directions to my house. Keep in mind two things: Tom had my address and could very easily plug it into gps, and MY BF DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO GET TO MY HOUSE . The entire time I was giving HIM directions to repeat back to Tom. That was really stupid to me and it’s incredibly clear that Tom depends on my bf too much. And this isn’t necessarily toms fault, my bf enables it, constantly being there for anything he could possibly need, he treats Tom like he’s is incompetent, he is perfectly capable of figuring things out on his own. This whole thing was also upsetting because my bf and I were supposed to finish a tiktok together but couldn’t because of the phone call. I wasn’t too upset though because we could just finish it at the place we are taking pictures. 

But whatever we drive to the jitney location and another one of my bfs friends is there without a date who we’ll call Derek. My bf and Derek are joking about how my bf is actually Derek’s prom date. This didn’t bother me at first because yk why would it. But when we get on the jitney I sit down and my bf passes me to sit with Derek. This was incredibly embarrassing and hurtful because even Tom sat with his date. My one friend Haley picks up on that and tells my bf to sit with me. Like I said, he’s dense and realizes the problem and has me move to him but that was mildly humiliating. 

Regardless we continue on to the place we are deciding to take pictures. As we’re heading back to the jitney after taking photos my bf, tom, and derek are no where to be found. Everyone besides sophia and I are walking back to the jitney with their date. My bf calls me and is jokingly like “hurry up you guys are too slow we’re already in the jitney.” I then say something along the lines of “yk I don’t know if you noticed, but everyone besides Sophia and I are walking with their date right now, it’s a little embarrassing.” I also pointed out how he was supposed to finish thr tiktok we started together, and how it upset me that we didn’t get to finish it because he was with Tom again. When I got on the jitney my bf sincerely apologized and I was hoping that was that. But it really started to get to me at prom itself. 

First of all we did finish the tiktok and it was super cute, although it was with terrible lighting and not what I wanted, and he was irritated about it and it felt like I was forcing him even tho I gave him the opportunity to opt out. For the entirety of the dance, my bf and Tom played clash of clans. THREE HOURS. 

Another thing I’d like to add is that my bf and Tom are juniors, if they want to play clash of clans next year they have complete opportunity to. This was our only prom due to Covid and they weren’t planning on going to prom prior to being asked by us. So they are more our dates than we are theirs yk. 

Any time i tried talking to him he didn’t really engage and I tried to drag him out to the dance floor in which he immediately sat down. To clarify me nor my bf are big dancers and I wasn’t expecting him to dance. No one’s dates were big dancers it was mostly just the girls breaking it down while the guys just smiled and bobbed their heads. But everyone’s dates were there with them. Which I know I should compare myself to others and all that but my bf and I were the only pair out of my group that were actually dating, everyone else were distant friends and yet I was with my date the least. Even Tom was with Sophia more than my bf was with me. And that’s because Tom doesn’t mind blowing off my bf because he doesn’t feel the same responsibility for him as my bf feels for Tom. 

Eventually as things were dying down I decided that if my bf didn’t want to go out and be with me then I’d just sit and be with him. I sit down next to him and of course him and Tom are still playing clash of clans. I try to talk to him but he once again isn’t engaging so I just say their waiting for him to be finished because I understand being in the middle of doing something and I figured he’d acknowledge me when he’s done. He rubbed my knee and goes into another game. I of course become kind of bummed out and visually upset, my bf picks up on that and asks what’s wrong, I say I’m fine because I’d rather not address this in a loud ballroom directly next to Tom. He continues on and I start tearing up a little. 

Haley sees that I’m crying and gestures me out to the hallway. My bf finally looks up and sees me walking away wiping my eyes. After a small vent with Haley she suggests I talk about it with him on the way back in the jitney so that this doesn’t continue to happen at after prom (an event my school does to ensure no one goes home and gets drunk). I agree that’s a good idea, wipe my tears, hear Taylor swift is playing, and return to enjoying the last few minutes of prom. 

As we’re leaving I realize my bf had gone entirely cold. Coming in he was carrying the train of my dress, talking and smiling, but leaving he didn’t even walk near me. On the ride home he completely shut down literally doesn’t even move. I look at him and try talking to him, no response, not even moment. This whole this is making me incredibly anxious because I’ve felt like a burden and an afterthought this entire night and that is a big trigger for me. The music in the jitney was loud and the lights were flashing and I’m just really overstimulated and I start having a panic attack. I am sobbing crying and because of the music and the lights no one hears or sees. That being said, all my bf had to do, was look at me one time. One time and he would’ve seen the tears streaming down my face and me desperately trying to wipe them away. Yet he was still completely frozen, he didn’t move for the entirety of the 30 minute drive home. As everyone’s getting ready for after prom he snaps back and pretends as if nothing happens. 

At the after prom event he realizes I’m a little off and asks if I’m okay. Of course this time I’m kinda over it and say “no”. He asks what’s wrong and I say I’d rather not talk about it here it’s more of an one on one thing. He asks if he did something, I said yes he gives me an empty apology since hes oblivious to what he did so what is he apologizing for (I understand he was just apologizing for hurting me but yk). And he spends the entire after prom with me, it was very fun and literally all he needed to do. 

And to no one’s surprise, Tom was fine without my bf, he had other friends to talk to, and there was nothing to worry about. I’d also like to clarify my bf still spent time with Tom at after prom he just actually prioritized me. It’s stupid that it took me getting upset for him to acknowledge me. 

After that we had the sleepover and it went well. The next day we ended up having sex and i couldn’t find a good way to bring it up. We both went to a banquet the next day in which I invited him to sit with me in which he responded “if there’s room for Tom”. I then explained that there is only one more seat at the table and I saved it for my bf and therefore Tom would have to sit somewhere else. He did he’d “have to think about it” He realized that that upset me and sat with me because of that but it was just hurtful that he had to consider it especially because our parents were sitting together at a separate table. Like imagine if our parents who have literally never spoken to each other before that day sat together and we didn’t yk. 

It’s now been a week later and I still haven’t talked to him about it because I decided I was over reacting. He has also not brought it up and we’ve continued business as usual. But yesterday while we were hanging out my bf got a call from Tom. For context tom and my bf work together and my bf came over after his shift yesterday. In this conversation Tom said that their boss was irritated that my bf left so early. Tom said that he told their boss that his gf (aka me) was probably antagonizing him. This comment is really frustrating because I never “antagonize” my bf especially not at work so it makes me wonder how my bf talks about me to Tom when he does say hes with me. 

This isn’t the first time this has happened so maybe i am overreacting because I’m resenting him? And besides this one thing he really is a great bf, the prom event is the first time he’s ever made me cry. This is also his first relationship so he’s struggling with fitting me into his life. But it also has been over a year so I don’t know. 

Any suggestions on how to handle this situation or how to start the conversation? Should I have the conversation to begin with or is it to late now?

TL;DR My bf spent my senior prom playing clash of clans with his best friend and completely ignored me