Update: For all the comments, yes you’re right you only know part of the problem among a lot of bigger problems. Yes I have seeked help and he didn’t take it seriously because he was amongst the grip of addiction. I had tried countless times to talk about things and would just get dismissed. Now that he’s sober nothings really changed. He’s still dismissive and doesn’t respect. Calls me a bitch as soon as we have an exchange of words. Has walked out countless times leaving me wondering where he is or how he is. He’s extremely manipulative.
So it’s 3am and I wake up and ask my husband to push over because I have no space to flip back and forth and it makes me feel claustrophobic. So he instantly personalizes it and says “can’t get no pussy and now I can’t even touch you”. Did I forget to mention we argue basically everyday. Am I wrong for not thinking about sex when my brain is pre occupied with a million other things. Also like now it just makes me feel less interested especially when he said don’t worry I don’t want to touch you. I’m also already battling with intense depression.
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It sounds like he is deeply frustrated and his needs are not being met. Are you in therapy?
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He said “can’t get no pussy”? Is your husband Flava Flav?
Sex is 100% a need in marriage for both men and women. And the more sex you have the more you both crave it and the intimacy it brings.
He spoke to you terribly and should have addressed it in a respectful way.
His resentment about it has obviously been building and it’s pretty evident your resentment about it’s been building too.
It’s not an unforgivable situation, you both need to recognise your roles in it and communicate kindly to understand one another’s position and care for one another in the season your in….
It’s not about being in the right and wrong, you’re both not caring of one another’s needs which is why there is resentment building.
I’d try to focus on my own part in it if I were you, you only have control over yourself. Maybe if you extent kindness and communication to him he’ll reciprocate and you guys can be a team again.
Unpopular belief but marriage is about sacrifice… it only works though if you both love and sacrifice for one another and don’t keep count of things you think are owed…
Wishing you both all the best xo
>Am I wrong for not thinking about sex when my brain is pre occupied with a million other things.
Yes.
It’s wrong of you as a wife to not make your spouse and your marriage a priority.
Life is hard, life is complicated, and life is busy. Especially when you have kids. However to phrase it like you did, is saying that of the million things that are on your mind, he isn’t one of them. A million things take priority over him.
It’s not a matter of right and wrong. This is a communications issue. You both are needing something that you’re not getting. See a couples therapist and maybe go talk to a doctor about your depression. Sex is important but so is your emotional health. Just work it out with your SO.
Good luck, I wish you the best.
Sorry you’re going through this OP.
A few things to consider:
– the littles remarks that happen during cranky time shouldn’t be taken personally for the most part. That includes your husband taking your comment just to have some space personally.
– that being said your husband’s comment reveals his frustration. Sex is a need for some humans, maybe it’s different for you, but that shouldn’t diminish his own needs.
– it sounds like your own drive has been washed out probably for many reasons having to do with your own frustrations as well. We validate that without saying it, but keep in mind reddit can only operate with the detail you gave here.
– depression sucks so much! Crawling out of it can be hard and it can skew your perception of the world and yourself. do some self care and maybe journal? Also, there are a few free mental health apps too that are good guides to support like Wysa.
Based on what I can tell, sounds like these frustrations are most likely compromising your communication and thus your marriage. That won’t change unless you both decide to act as the bigger person. (And you have to put that loving energy into yourself to help that happen)
Sex is important… in a very immature way he is telling you there is a problem.
Just sitting and bashing your partner isn’t helpful for either one of you, and that doesn’t really give us anything to respond to. If you’re looking for validation that you’re ‘right’, you’ll get some of that here, but I don’t think it’s useful. The saying is, “would you rather be right or be happy?”
Arguments are a sign of underlying resentments. Are you aware of your resentments for each other? Have you ever talked about it? For example, my wife and I found out that we really like our space when sleeping. So we sleep in different rooms now. We both feel like we can’t keep up with cleaning the house, so we hired a cleaning service within our budget.
Not all marriages can be saved, but you want to give up because of a person being grumpy at night? Interrupted sleep is a huge cause of irritability. So is lack of intimacy.
My advice: really speak to each other. Have a conversation about how you’re feeling. It sounds like you haven’t done that in a while, so you will probably unearth a lot of things. It will be difficult. But on the other side can be peace and fulfillment.
It sounds like both of you are not getting your needs met. Go to marriage therapy together to heal your wounds and to learn how to meet each other’s needs. Do it before the resentment sets in and it becomes too late to recover from.
If you’re fighting every day and nothing gets resolved, you need professional help.
I agree with others. Sex is a need and it is important. He obviously went about it the wrong way, but he’s also obviously very frustrated about this and you’re not making it a priority. What it sounds like from your comments is you’re doing everything you think he wants from you but it sounds like what he wants is sex. You two aren’t communicating and you need to.
You should not have sex if you don’t want to have sex, you just also need to be ready for the consequences of not having sex with your partner. (I.e divorce).
Don’t see where you’ve tried to get some help for what is ailing you, especially since it is consequential to your relationship.
And get a bigger bed, unless that isn’t the actual problem.
Hate to say it. Either you are going to do it or someone else. Y’all should work through the issue before he stops asking for it
Look through the deadbedrooms sub to get some perspective. Your man is definitely struggling. You are wrong in thinking going without sex is no issue.
Seek help. What needs do you have that he is unable to meet? And if you are unwilling to have sex with your spouse why not consider leaving and releasing this man? It’s very common to go through dry spells in a relationship but the way you make it sound it almost seems like you just don’t want to have sex with your husband. If that’s something you want to live with then that’s one thing, but you can’t expect your husband to stick around forever if sex is something you expect him to just live without forever.
Sex is a need in a healthy relationship. It may not be a need *for you,* but it is for him. You’re never going to make any progress in this marriage if you don’t recognize that. Either get the help that both of you obviously need to get back on track, or leave.
So go on and sleep on the couch!
I really dont know what kills womens sexual desire in time…
You need to be honest. If you guys argue all the time, then you all don’t have very good communication. I’d imagine the way you asked wasn’t very nice and maybe included one of those elbow nudges. I know because I’ve been there. If you really want space in bed you need to communicate that. But as you roll away, reach a hand out and put it on his stomach or chest. That way we still feel loved.
Sounds like you two need to sit down and talk to one another. Sounds like resentment on both sides with something. Maybe not over the same thing but you could both be holding something in and now your both being spiteful to one another because you don’t feel your needs are being met. Best of luck to you both. I hope you guys can talk this out
You BOTH need to figure out how to value your friendship and intimacy with each other.
Swallow your pride and do something to make a change. Even if it is just sitting in the same room together to watch tv. A small start will make a big impact.
There was a time when I was feeling the same way when my husband would constantly touch me through the night. After a lot of arguments and tears, I made some small changes and we have improved our relationship a lot. You know what I miss now more than ever, though? He’s never come back to a point of reaching out to me in bed throughout the night anymore. I miss that so much, but I know I pushed him away from some things like that. Don’t be me and have regrets of the things you nagged at him about before you could get through the resentment to build your relationship back up.
Marriage is all about sacrifice. He has to meet your needs but you also have to meet his. Wishing you both the best.
So I struggle like you do with this. “How can I have sex?? I’ve got a million things to do!!” But the posts on this sub over the past few days have made me think. Out of all the things you have to do, you’re doing them to make your life run smoother for you and your family. So instead of reading a potty training book, which can be read tomorrow, I got a glass of wine and sat down and talked to my husband. I relaxed and I asked him about his day and I told him about mine- all the funny stuff and the struggles. My son has swim lessons yesterday and I had to get his immunization records and he had an eye doctor appointment and I also work full time, so I’m juggling all the things. Then we laugh and talk about our inner struggles. Then one thing lead to another and we’re in bed together. It’s fun and it feels great.
Today is another day and my todo list will never be complete. Neither will his list, he has stuff to do as well. We need to take time for each other though. They say you should spend 20 minutes of one on one time with your child. I’m also going to try this with my husband (you can obviously let it go over 20 minutes, but thinking about it in small increments helped me feel less overwhelmed with all the other stuff I have going on).
I’ll let the other comments address his shitty comment. My husband said stuff like that to me before, but I saw it more as a call for help and he was light hearted about it.
I am a husband.
I have had things get this bad.
I was told sex wasn’t a need.
I was told that my actions were the cause of the physical part of my relationship not happening.
I said that I need physical release and connection with someone. I felt like I was being held hostage by my marriage. There is a time when ‘rubbing one out’ meets the physical need and the emotional need is still dying for attention.
At any point where the person you are married to stops meeting your physical/emotional needs is the time to speak up.
I know what it feels like to keep myself busy in chaos to avoid the fact that I can’t get close to my partner. I know what it is like being present and then getting told that any chance for closeness is not okay because I am just trying to get sex.
It took a long time to fight out of the shell of the person I had become. I don’t know how others do it. I don’t know how I did it.
I wish anyone luck that is in a place like OP or her partner. Listen to what your partner is saying. Take what they say seriously, even if what they say sounds sarcastic or hurtful. They are trying to tell you something important. Ask what they mean if you don’t understand. Hear them. It is important.
There us obviously a lot more going on than just this one incident.
First, you should NEVER have sex with someone – especially a spouse – if you’re uncomfortable!! So don’t listen to the numpties saying “put out or shut up”, for your own mental health. They also shouldn’t pressure you like that!!! Ifs really not normal OR healthy. Expecting someone to just .. do it, with no foreplay or anything, is extremely unhealthy.
I know that when my emotional needs aren’t met, I lose my sexual desire. I know that after enduring insults and passive aggression, and straight up emotional abuse, I dried up like a desert and my legs felt glued shut.
You absolutely deserve an apology, but then an open and honest conversation needs to happen for the both of you. Get to the bottom of what’s really going on.
You are getting a lot of damaging advice here and I’m sure what I’m saying will piss off all of the men screaming GIVE ME SEX. If you do not want sex, you are not obligated to engage in it. If you give in when everything in you is telling you not to, this will harm your relationship and yourself.
You both need to focus being on the healthiest versions of yourself. That will lead to more connective moments and more sex. You are depressed and it doesn’t sound like he’s doing too great either.
You both sound like you are in survival mode and you need a professional to help you both reset yourselves.
Some of the comments here are WILD. If she’s got a million things happening, what are the chances that he’s taking his fair share of the work??? Sex might be a need or an important part of marriage but if he’s not putting the work in, it’s not on her to satisfy his immature demands! Why is all the onus on HER to work on and fix her marriage when he’s not contributing and making it worse???
My partner and I share the load at home but when I’m going through a stressful time at med school and he takes on more stuff around the house without me asking so I have more time to study or even take an hour to rest, it’s very easy to be attracted to the idea of sex!!! I always find him attractive obviously but what’s most attractive is that he gives a shit. I’m not his live-in bang-maid, I’m his partner.
OP, I can understand why you wouldn’t have the time to prioritise your marriage when EVERYTHING ELSE is on your shoulders. You’re not an asshole.
My take on this is that, yes, he’s just being grumpy and lashing out. Not really an excuse, when all he had to do was to rollover but instead he took the time to make somebody else feel bad.
With that said, my speculation is that the sex issue is probably a reflection of other issues in the relationship. Sure, it might be that one has a higher — maybe significantly higher — libido than the other. Or it might be that one partner really does feel put upon in other areas of the marriage and just isn’t in the mood.
I have to say that I love my wife. I don’t always like her, but I do love her. And, frankly, if I don’t like you, I’m not going to have sex with you. That would go for anybody, not just her. So, until this “like” issue gets resolved, the sex issue won’t be resolved because nobody (methinks) wants to screw somebody they don’t like.
It’s pretty normal for people going clean / getting sober to be crazy for 3 or more months, they actually feel like they’re going crazy and that’s why they often relapse.
It’s no excuse but this highlights why you need help and support too.
Working through addiction creates so many cracks in a marriage and obliterates trust. It ripples through every interaction and there is always the fear that your partner will relapse, or blow up your life again. It can be traumatic for both partners and leaving that untreated causes it to fester and grow.
Re: all of the comments about sex being a need, not quite. There is a feeling associated with having sex that is the root need, and when that need, the actual need, is addressed a relationship can flourish, even in the absence of sex. There are so many reasons why sex might be off the table in a relationship and to suggest that a marriage is over if the wife isn’t a non stop slip and slide is ridiculous. Sex is often used as a bandaid to cover the real issue, which is likely that struggling through the depths of addiction is scary, lonely, humiliating, and causes a host of mental and physical health issues that can last a lifetime.
Consenting begrudgingly to sex before rebuilding trust and respect in your relationship will do more harm than good. Considering that you fight every day it seems as though you are each struggling with the damage that’s been done to your marriage, you don’t trust one another and are both trying to do whatever you can to protect yourselves from more hurt. This is very, very normal when a relationship has been touched by addiction. You’ve likely been carrying the responsibility of keeping your life running while your husband was in the throes of addiction and then recovery, and being expected to suddenly snap out of it, forgive him and consider him someone reliable is unrealistic.
If he won’t agree to counselling (on his own or together) to address the damage that’s left behind in the wake of treating addiction issues, he may be giving you the answer you’re looking for and you may have some difficult choices to make. Either way you should seek it out for yourself to address any lingering guilt, obligation, or co-dependecy and to do what you need to do to rebuild your own self worth.
Sorry you’re going through this.
Is he actually working a program or just white-knuckling sobriety? Because if he’s just white-knuckling it, he’ll probably act worse to you sober than when he was high. That’s a miserable way to live and you don’t deserve it. Gotta do the internal work if you actually want to change and be better for yourself and your loved ones.
I don’t know the story here but I really FEEL this.
This happen to me. Not nice at all. I am sorry for this situation.
For all those people saying that sex is part of the marriage and you have to do it even if you don’t feel it… Please.
I did it, because is also exhausting to have an husband that is not satisfied. But then what? He’s more relaxed for a day o two, anyway our problems go on, and I DON’T FEEL ANYTHING. What is the point of this? Sex is something amazing when you do it good and we need amazing sex.
If I have to do it only to make him empty, then I guess he must pay me lol
For example, me and my husband had a really really really good sex… Before his bullshits, before some bad situations never fixed, before the baby and many stressfull things.
We need to be ok with ourself, to heal from what’s not working and then sex can be part of the healing too, I guess.
its very hard to desire someone who can and has verbally abused you. he basically rejects you at every confrontation. be careful because it sounds as if he believes he has the right to say whatever he wants without any regard to you or your feelings. frustration will bring abuse on stronger. my wife was similar in her abuse and the alcohol isnt hiding their feelings its bringing it forward.
I wouldn’t want to sleep with a spouse who has been an addict, then dismissive, verbally abusive, and manipulative when sober. That would be a huge turn off for sure. That being said, are there ways to start turning this whole thing around? Is the relationship salvageable? Can you two seek couples counselling to see if there are ways to improve the relationship and communication? Are you getting treatment for your depression? Both medication and therapy can be important in making progress with your depression. I realize there is a lot of info missing here, but I hope you two get the support and treatment you need. All the best.
Sounds like you two need a therapist to sort things out in a safe environment.
If my wife was being manipulative, I wouldn’t want to be close to her either, let alone actually have sex.
As for asking him to scoot over on the bed at 3am because you’re falling off the edge, it’s a perfectly reasonable request. Rolling off the bed in the middle of the night is no fun and hurts like hell. Why he internalized it and went to where your husband did really makes me wonder where his mind is and how he sees you.
After what you’ve posted in your update you should consider heading over to r/alanon, you might find it helpful. I’m not surprised you are having a hard time. Having a physical attraction to someone who has put you through so much is a hard thing. He may be sober but he just sounds like a dry drunk to me.
The truth is neither party respects the other and the relationship is broken. If they’re aguing everyday it’s an antagnistic relationship. If they can’t have a fair and rationale conversation they’re not going to have sex end of!! Do either of you want your marriage to work? If not, move on and move out