Hi, (f here)
I have recently been trying to put myself out there more, this means talking to new people, starting conversations, going to events alone etc. Though I am nowhere near where I want to be yet, I would like to think I have improved a lot from the person I was initially. However, I feel like I still don’t know social etiquette or how to properly converse etc. It seems as though there are no examples of how to properly converse that I have seen that I can imitate to know what is appropriate or not. I spent time with a stranger over food (not in a dating/relationship way) but feel as though maybe the things I brought up or talked about shouldn’t have been said as we didn’t know each other. It didn’t get too personal, I didn’t trauma dump or anything but I think they were still may be considered personal topics? Like issues, finances, mental health etc. Are those topics best to avoid, and when to know if it’s appropriate? It was related to the conversation but I don’t think I should have brought up actual numbers etc. It didn’t get too personal it was just something I thought would be kinda funny or surprising because it’s how I felt about it. Also because the person is a stranger I won’t see them again so I cant gauge whether or not I messed up. ty.
So my questions are:
1. Is there any way to improve on this aspect and know how to properly converse with people? What are some things to practice about this?
2. How do you pace yourself when speaking? I feel like I freak out and panic then I end up saying the wrong thing or not properly thinking about what I want to say and end up not answering their question fully.
3. What are some general tips when talking to new people for the first time?
4 comments
The two things that helped me: (1) I memorized a list of topical questions (see below for my list – I still remember the acronym!). I would either share information about myself off the list, or ask an open questions (not a yes or no question); and (2) I worked on an attitude of curiosity, with a genuine want to learn about the other person.
My list (I also broke this up to past, present, and future):
**Location** (hometown, current location, dream location)
**Possessions** (favorite toy growing up, what do they have on them now, new toy)
**Relationships** (past best friend, current family/friends, future marriage plans?)
**Books** (books/sayings influenced, what reading now, future bookshelf)
**Actions** (high school sports, current activities, future hobby)
I let asking questions drive the conversation. People like to talk about themselves often, so it makes it easy.
Work/school questions (“what do you do or want to do for work?” Is great because it doesn’t assume they do work which is awkward if they don’t, but also leaves room for if they work in something other than their dream job). Ask any follow-up questions from that.
Any context questions that may be relevant to how you met, e.g. how long they’ve known the person who introduced you, if they’re from the area, etc.
Ask about if they have kids or pets – if they have either, they’ll probably wanna talk about them.
Hobbies and interests! What do they enjoy doing in their free time?
By asking a lot of questions on the first get together, usually it makes the other person feel good and also gives you information to base other conversations on.
Make sure you share back nearly as much info. Too little and it feels like an interrogation, too much and it sounds like you’re just asking them to give you an opportunity to talk about it yourself.
force yourself to talk to people in low consequence situations, e.g grocery shop counter, coffee shop girl, retail store manager etc, ask questions and follow on from the branches they give you
Genuinely connect with those people in real life e.g. ask how they are, their hobbies, interests, goals, opinions, etc. Listen and pay attention to what people say. Share those things about yourself when asked. People also subconsciously attach you to the value you bring. The value you bring is a clear, unique, and convincing reason why people will interact with you, let alone do so constantly. So Find ways to add value to their lives. Having In person interactions is the easiest way to stand out from countless people who text or message. People remember and favor in person interactions because of the positive vibes. If your hobbies, skills, talents align with their interests or can help them, bring it up and offer to help them. Finally, learn how to be genuinely busy in your life pursuing your goals and hobbies, while interacting with people on the side. People are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation and instead gravitate towards those who are self confident and well rounded in life. They want to see active confirmation of you actually doing something in your life other than just talking to them. So chase excellence, not people.