Preference in dating generally is totally understandable. Ie “I want to date someone who is the same religion as I am” or “I want to have kids so I only want to date those who eventually want that too”. This can go into physical appearance too, “I want someone taller/shorter than I am” “I like smaller/bigger figures”. etc.
Where is the line between unjustifiable shallowness and just one’s preference?
I feel it becomes harder to tell the more specific a preference is. “I only want to date \[some color\] eyed people” for example.
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The line is at when you only want to date someone making 6 figures
The line is when you’ve narrowed the scope of your search so small that you can no longer attract those people. Then, you turn around and complain about it.
A person could have a physical preference, but if you get real about it, chances are you can’t have it all. That’s like winning the lottery, so the person may take what sticks
Your preferences are your preferences.
It is *other’s opinion* of your preferences that seem to matter more to you than your own self worth.
There is no line. Your preferences can be shallow. ‘Preference’ comes from prefer. I can prefer a woman who’s emotionally mature and sweet; I can also prefer a woman who’s a B cup, has blonde hair and blue eyes. All of these are preferences, some are shallow some aren’t
It’s right there in the word, shallow. I mean, surface level or material things that have little or nothing to do with you know, *the actual person that possesses that skin, or drives that car, or has a tattoo, or whatever*.
Preferring something is selection. Shallow is prioritizing something immutable or not-representative of a person’s humanity, decency, personality and making it the end-all of your dating experience.
I think MOST people cross the line into unjustifiable shallowness when they aren’t even willing to give someone a chance due to a preference that isn’t related to their morals & values. However, this can vary person to person though. There’s always an exception to stuff. Some people have strong physical preferences & really cannot find someone attractive unless that person meets those preferences. Doesn’t make them unjustifiably shallow. It’s kind of like picky eaters. Just like not everyone chooses to be a picky eater, not everyone gets to choose how strong their preferences impact their choice of partner
I think it becomes shallowness when the reasoning behind the preference is elitist. That is, the picky person won’t date outside their preferences because they think that those who don’t meet their standards are beneath them.
Does it even matter? Do you really think most people out there want someone who is with them because they actively decided to not be shallow or do you think they want someone who is genuinely attracted to them.
Attraction is essentially a yes or no. Some people have no type at all while others can only see attraction with a very specific set of features (I’m going to ignore the extremes of damaging fetishization here). All shallowness is essentially justifiable because you’re not hurting anyone but yourself by having fewer options.
Shallowness isn’t having preferences. Shallowness means dating someone ONLY for a particular characteristic. “He’s tall therefore I date him.” That would be shallow. You have a “shallow level” reason for dating him. But saying you only a man if he’s tall is not shallow, because there are many many different tall guys with totally different personalities.
How they treat you. Reason they’re there in the first place.
The point is: it doesn’t matter. If it is important to you, then your attention will focus on that flaw, because everyone talks themselves out of good things. And bad things, really. Your mind would be way more comfortable if you just avoided the whole dating process, worked, went home and slept.
3.5B people to sift through are a lot of people. So it’s ok to have macro filters and micro filters. You’re the one that has to live with the person. If you meet someone worth changing for, you’ll change. And sometimes we catastrophize and say they have to be perfect for a lifetime, when really the next month will pass whether or not you’re dating someone. There’s nothing wrong with getting to know people on a deeper level, I think.
The point is that what you settle for, you’ll end up with, if you’re practical minded. If you believe in fate, then meeting people and getting to know them matters. But you still have preferences: things that make you draw closer and things that push you away. Everyone does. I love getting to know people so much that it’s usually their filters that kick in. That’s fine to me, and I think it’s fine for most extroverts.
I think the difference is turning down people who reasons that have nothing to do with their morals/character. For ex, if you didn’t want to date a woman who doesn’t want kids because you do, then that’s not considered shallow. If you didn’t want to date a woman because she doesn’t have blonde hair, then that would be considered shallow.
You can have preferences. I guess it gets weird when you tell someone else you like them because they fit your specific preference for features xyz.
Like if you were to *tell* your SO “I’m so glad I came across you, I only wanted to date someone with blue eyes”, that’s shallow. The fact you’re taking that time to specify that preference sounds like it’s your number one priority… which is weird, and is objectifying. Another example would be “I only wanted to date someone fat, thank god you’re fat.”
But saying “I love blue eyes/I love your blue eyes” is fine, because it’s a specific feature the other person has. Or, “I love your body, I love your curves.” You’re talking to them, as opposed to telling them you’re mentally comparing them to your imaginary vision of an ideal SO.
So it’s not so much your actual preference, it’s how you voice those preferences, and how high you hold those preferences.
Once those preferences become requirements, little boxes a person has to tick in order to qualify as a potential date/partner, you are shallow.
I said what I said.
Attraction is complicated, you can’t really force who you’re attracted to, it’s just natural. For some reason I’m only attracted to Latinas and I’ve accepted this.
I don’t think it matters. It’s personal. It either works out for you, or it doesn’t. Just don’t whine when it doesn’t.
This is a real interesting question and I had to ponder the difference for a bit. I think both are actually preferences, but the thing that tips something over into shallow is when there’s no tangible excuse for it.
I think justified preferences are things we would **like** and when asked can give reasonable logic for. Eg: “I would like someone who shares the religion, so they have the same values and goals”.
Shallow preferences are things we can’t give tangible reasoning for: “I like redheads, because… they’re hot”. By this reasoning a lot of attraction IS SHALLOW (but uncontrolled anyway.
A preference is say, being more attracted to tall people or blonde girls.
Shallowness is saying, regardless of any other qualities they may have and regardless of knowing nothing about them, I won’t give short guys or girls who aren’t blonde even a small coversation.
That doesn’t mean you need to waste time on everyone of course, but if you’re single physical criteria becomes an absolute exclusion automatically then it seems rather shallow.
I think shallow is when for example looks are THE ONLY THING you care about, and preference is when you like people who look good but they should also be decent human beings, have fully developed brains and so on. Focusing on one thing and nothing else being important is being shallow, so if you only want the looks, or only the money or some status that’s shallow, if you prefer it but other things are important to then that+s just having standards.
Unless you are behaving like a dick when rejecting someone, I don’t think people care what you prefer or not. What matters is how you treat people and if you respect their feelings when you say you are rejecting them.
When you dismiss anyone for not being you preference.
why does it matter?
Boundaries and preferences are good and healthy
A list of demands is not
When your reasons are so trivial and unjustifiably ridiculous and have no bearing on: character, religion, culture, physical and mental health, family background, abuse and conflict resolution, financial plans and goals etc.
E.g. you say you want to meet someone who works out because that’s important to you, same religion, same culture, same family background etc and you do and they are amazing and you click. But you then dump them because:
Real life situation 1:
“There’s just something about her nose that bothers me”
Real life situation 2:
“It’s the feet!! I know she’s a ballerina and stuff but I can’t with the feet”
The line is when you refuse a person you really like for that preference that doesn’t actually matter.
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if it does matter for you relationship and family goals than it’s not shallow.
There is no line. You can absolutely set whatever “rules” you want, just don’t complain about it later.
Shallow is when you admit it
Preference is deciding who you want to date because you’re attracted to them (remembering that attraction is everything, not just appearance; values, personality, goals, lifestyle, etc).
Shallowness is anything that would cause you to quit being with your person because they quit having that characteristic. Like, losing their hair to cancer, weight gain after pregnancy, or just everything that comes with getting old.
Preference is finding your life partner. Shallowness is dumping them because they’re no longer what you pictured in your head.
There’s something about preferring a certain ‘type’ of human look, and being absolutely obsessed with it. If I fit your ‘type’ in everything apart from my breast size, and you reject me because of it, even though we were amazing in spite of that, I’d call you shallow. There’s a fine line between being shallow, and being offensive (kid of the 90s here, Shallow Hal was a popular movie lol)
There is none, as this is false distinction. You can have preferences and they can be shallow. And everyone can have their own criteria. Almost everyone at some level would agree that preference based on looks is shallow, yet almost everyone will have some such preference.
Why can’t we have shallow preferences?
I think it reaches that point when personality has no play in it at all and/or the expectations are completely unrealistic, like someone only wanting women who look like IG models who’ve been touched up, photoshopped, and posed to death, and not making any exceptions.