I (23F) have been dating my girlfriend (22F) since around December. We had a great relationship starting out, she was very communicative and I felt well connected to her. She has recently acquired a second job within the last 2 months that’s been taking up a lot of her time, so it’s resulted in me only being able to see her once a week, if that. She’s an awful texter and frequently will go 24 hours without replying to me and it often makes me feel lonely and like she doesn’t care about me. I normally don’t have a huge issue with people not being very responsive via text, but when I only get to see my girlfriend once a week now, the in-between communication is very important to me. She hates phone calls too (phone anxiety—and I totally get that one because same here lol), so calling her isn’t a great option.
We have a great connection whenever we’re together in person. We always have fun, I feel loved and appreciated, stuff is great! But when these in-between periods happen where I barely hear from her I feel insecure. Mostly because she used to be very lively through her texts and she’s gotten less so over the past few months, to the point where it makes me feel like she thinks texting me back is a chore or something. She does struggle with untreated ADHD and I’m trying to keep that in mind with the texting issue. She’ll make big life decisions without even sharing with me—like she dropped on me that she’s going to tour an apartment today when she mentioned nothing about wanting to move out of her current home. Or that she’s thinking about going to work in Alaska this fall. I feel like both of those are huge life events and she always mentions them so casually and it makes me feel hurt because things like those would affect our relationship significantly—especially her moving to Alaska!
She’s been showing less affection than normal as well and I don’t know if I should be chalking that up to her work stress or if her pulling away means she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I really want to bring it up but I’m so scared to.
I feel like maybe I care more about our relationship and making it work than she does, but I also have anxiety and tend to catastrophize frequently. So I’m constantly in conflict with myself as to if I need to be much more empathetic with her with her two jobs taking up all her time or if I really do deserve better.
tldr: I’m not sure if there’s a good reason for my partner’s emotional withdrawal and lack of communication and I need to be more empathetic for her or if I deserve better.
2 comments
Have you talked to her about all this, the lack of texting, less affectionate, and the casual mentioning of life altering decisions?
wow, this post was like looking into my own reflection. im in a very similar boat with my SO who i met in december and is who also dealing with untreated adhd. im really struggling with the communication issues and how i also tend to create catastrophes with my anxiety as well. this post was a reminder that im not alone in this small world of ours.
i would take some time to communicate to her face to face. it might be hard because i know that since you’re seeing her once a week you’re going to want to spend that quality time and soak up every minute with her. however, once she leaves you’ll be down again. i 100% get it, you’re valid for the way you feel.
when it comes to the big plans she’s making im not sure if you should worry about it too much. in my experience my significant other will make these big plans and completely forget about them after awhile. i was invited on a trip to italy in july multiple times and i haven’t heard anything else about it since february lol. not sure if that’s the same with her, but even if it’s not for all you know she might ask you to join her. you won’t know for sure until you talk to her.
just take a moment to take it easy on yourself as well. the fact that you’re trying to empathize with her and are acknowledging your own emotions says a lot. you do care and i’m sure she cares too. one thing that helps is to change your self-talk, instead of saying “this isn’t going to work out, she’s distant” you should tell yourself “i hope this works out and we find a way to have more communication with one another.” you can’t control what other people do, you can only control what you do.
in conclusion, i suggest that you talk to her and depending on how she responds go from there. if she acknowledges your feelings and wants to figure out a solution, that’s a good sign. if she immediately gets defensive and you regret saying anything then i would say it’s best for you to move on.
sorry for the essay, but i hope it helped some. i’ll also be taking my own advice, hopefully we both find the answers we are looking for.