Since I started dating my boyfriend 2 years ago I have known that he masturbates a lot. A minimum of twice a day, often 6+. He has also said that he often watches porn and masturbates in the bathroom at work. We are both in our 30s. Six months ago he was going through a tough time emotionally and told me that he thought he used porn and masturbation compulsively and was trying to get better control over it. He’s now emotionally in a great place and has told me that he feels he has a much healthier relationship with porn and masturbation. But several months have passed and I have noticed that he prioritises it a lot (for example, insisting I come over 20 minutes after he gets home from work rather than meeting at work etc…)
I think he often masturbates when we’re together. He goes to the bathroom to do so and I’m not so sure he’s got a ‘good’ relationship with it even now. We don’t live together. We see each other maybe 3 or 4 times a week. Often he seems to masturbate when I’d really like to have sex or even masturbate together. I know because he’s in the bathroom for 10 mins or longer and its clear he’s not pooping. Sometimes I hear the heavy breathing. Once or twice he’s accidentally left cum and tissues in the toilet. I don’t want to shame him and that’s why I haven’t said that I know. I don’t have a problem with him masturbating in general of course but I guess I’m concerned about the circumstances and don’t know how to proceed. When he masturbates while I’m there I often feel rejected and excluded. Should I talk to him about it? I don’t want to make him feel embarrassed or like I’m attacking him. I am genuinely happy that he has a good sense of his own sexuality but I’m worried that there are kinks or desires that porn fulfils that I can’t. I’m not sure what bothers me in particular: the masturbation or the porn. To reiterate, I don’t have any problem with him doing so when I’m not there or I think if we were to live together. It just feels such a stark choice to choose porn when I’m enthusiastically hoping for sex meters away and we don’t see each other super often. Part of me feels like this is his stress release and I should just try and distract myself with something else while I think he is masturbating. We do have sex almost as much as I would like and it’s always very good. Otherwise he is a wonderful partner. Any advice is much appreciated!
14 comments
It is definitely unhealthy if he’s masturbating instead of having sex with a real partner. Sounds like an addiction to me. You’re going to have to have a conversation with him about this. He may need professional help.
Let him know that you want masturbate together and that you want to have more sex with him. Or you can tell him to do it in front of you then take over unexpectedly. Just a few ideas
Oh no no no. There’s a huge difference between “having a good sense of one’s own sexuality” and what your boyfriend does. Personally, if it was me, my thought process would begin by self-stating “I’m not engaged or married to this guy, and does he care how this is affecting me” followed by, “is this worth the trouble”, followed by reminding myself that it doesn’t have to be this hard and that there are men out there who don’t have this issue and who are likely just as good if not better than my boyfriend.
That’s me. I am not you.
My advice? Ask yourself these questions, and remind yourself of these truths. Know your worth.
I think you should tell him how it makes you feel and see how he responds. It might be helpful to know what your ideal boundaries would be before the conversation, but you might get a clearer picture of what you would like to ask him for after you get a sense of how he’s feeling.
Anyway, exploratory conversation first so you both can see what pages you are on.
Take away the addiction element (which would be very serious if applicable) and at the very least, this should be a conversation about basic courtesy. Doing anything for very long while you have a guest over is rude. I also believe there is such a thing as “too comfortable” in committed relationships. If your goal is to be together as long as possible, it might make sense to do yourselves a favor and keep some boundaries up around certain things to keep the magic alive, so to speak.
This is not healthy. Sounds like it’s a cross between an addiction and a coping mechanism. You need to talk to him and see if he’s open to getting therapy to deal with this. If not you may have to remove yourself from the situation. I know it would wear me down to have my bf always shutting himself in the bathroom to masturbate and choose that over me.
Masturbating to porn at work? Wanking 6 times a day?
He’s clearly addicted to pornography.
He’s a wonderful partner but often when I turnaround he’s gone to loo to wank. This sounds like an addiction.
Healthy, functional adults don’t do this.
If it’s interrupting his work or his relationships, it’s probably an addiction. The question is if it’s an addiction to masturbation or to porn. I recommend you don’t take it personally if it is an addiction, but I will also remind you that it’s not your job to fix another adult. If you want to stay in this relationship, that’s okay, but this is clearly an ongoing thing that might never get fixed. You do not have to accept this and you can leave at any time if it’s ruining YOUR mental health or self-esteem.
I think it’s time you bring it up with him in a gentle way and let him know that he’s ignoring you and it’s causing issues within the relationship. It also isn’t healthy to jerk off at work. He could get fired, sued, or even arrested for something if he does it at the wrong time/someone sees. You might want to look up therapists that work with sex addiction.
in the bathroom at work!? your boyfriend is a freak
he wank off 6x everday?
how much cum does this horse has
Check out the book dopamine nation – the first case the author talks about is a man addicted to masturbation. Masturbation on this level starts to really mess with the pleasure/pain receptors n your brain. It’s a full blow addiction at this point that’s not going to just go away or get better without a serious intervention, I’m sorry
You can’t explain this one away.
In no universe is that even close to normal behaviour.
He definitely needs outside help.
I find it so fucking hard to believe that he jerks off 6 times a day. Not in a “I think you’re lying” kind of way, but in a “that is just unfathomable amount, it makes me sore just thinking about doing it more than twice a day” kind of way.
Like wtf is wrong with him? Anyway sounds like he’s porn addicted big time