Hi,
Me (32m) trying to repair/restart a 9 year relationship with ex-gf (29f) and we have an issue currently I would like some advice on.
Towards the end of the relationship we went back to more of a friends with benefits situation after being monogamous for 9 years, I didn’t see anyone else but she decided to experiment sexually with a couple that live upstairs to her (3 bed house into 3 flats) and she told me this while we were being open about how to move the relationship forward. It does sound like they used her which isn’t very nice. We wasn’t together so she didn’t cheat, I can accept that no problem. She also had a one night stand with a random which again, she didn’t cheat but obviously it’s not nice to think about. She has stayed friends with this couple that lives upstairs.
Today while we was both finalizing some of the new relationship together, I tried to explain to her my feelings towards the upstairs couple and that it was something that makes me uncomfortable/awkward as I wouldn’t particularly want to see them/talk to them knowing what had gone on – we were together for 9 years with no cheating or seeing anyone else and it’s just quite painful/hurtful to think about. I told her that I’m fully aware I can’t control her or tell her who she can/can’t see but she reacted as if I was giving her a choice between them as friends or a relationship with me which isn’t the case – I was only trying to explain to her how it made me feel and what could we do about it going forward. It would very much feel like having an ex from the past hanging around when all we want to do is move forward with the restart of a relationship with a clean slate.
I am more than happy to forgive the previous issues in the relationship and we have dealt with those so we can move forward, but having this couple still around feels like something bad from the past – if it was any other friend I wouldn’t have any issue, but she doesn’t seem to care about how I feel about this. If the tables were turned and it was me that had been with someone, I would stop contact with that person out of respect for my gf and the new relationship going forward but that doesn’t seem to be the case here :/ Am I being unreasonable for voicing my feelings ?
tl;dr trying to repair relationship with ex-gf
6 comments
Don’t repair the relationship
I don’t think voicing your feelings is being unreasonable, but I think you’re not giving yourself enough credit for the pressure you’re putting on her.
You’re not saying, “You can’t be friends with them or I’m leaving.” You’re saying, “If they’re around, I’ll feel uncomfortable because it will be like an ex is hanging around. I just want what’s going to be best for our relationship moving forward.”
Sure, those are nicer words, but the message is basically the same.
I’d also say you’re being a bit unreasonable. It’s not like she was dating them. They just had sex. That’s totally different. There’s a big difference between seeing your girlfriend’s long-term ex at a party and seeing a guy she hooked up with a couple times when you weren’t together.
Why exactly do you want to go back to her?
I would also feel extremely uncomfortable in this situation and it sounds like she could just walk upstairs whenever she feels like it – meaning there would be 4 in this relationship not 2.
I think her not even considering your feelings or trying to understand you is sad.
If you guys want to move on, she‘d have to move so you guys can start fresh together.
But going back to an ex is usually never a good idea.
I‘d let her go and find someone who treats you right!
This doesn’t sound promising. Are you sure you want her back? She is being quite insensitive to you for no good reason that I can see
Going back with her is just suicidal. The kinks and fetish that she have are pretty hard to change. It will just be very hard for her to stay in one commitment. I think youre just lonely but there are better girls out there. It’s best to find someone else. Unless if you want to fwb with her.
OP, couples therapy might be the best avenue for you and your partner. It will either help you both come to a clearer view of the other partner, their needs and wants, and a path to a loving relationship or help you both move on in a healthy manner.
Best of it all OP. AGAPE💕💕