Hi all. Thanks for taking the time to read this in advance.
My BF and I have been together for almost six years. We have a very good relationship and I love him very much. We recently made the decision to live together; I’ll be moving into his house in just a couple of months. I’m a full time student and currently don’t work. My classes are currently all virtual.
I’ve been very excited about it, but just today he told me that he had some “rules” that we needed to discuss for when I move in. Initially I was a little confused, but he assured me they weren’t “bad”.
1. He doesn’t want me sleeping in “too long”. I didn’t ask him what he considered too late a time to sleep in, I just listened to him. I normally get up at 9a and I’m in bed by 10p.
2. He wants me to work out once a day.
3. He leaves for work very early in the morning and asked that I either go to bed at 8p when he does or keep very quiet while he sleeps. (Whatever, I guess I get this one)
4. Because I’m not working, he wants me to clean the house and cook, but he has told me that he will not help with dishes.
Alright. So, I feel like this is a little weird and controlling, am I wrong? How should I be handling this? Any helpful advice is appreciated. Please be kind.
TL;DR – BF has given me 4 rules for living with him. No sleeping in, must work out once a day, keep quiet at night, and be solely responsible for cleaning and cooking.
38 comments
These posts always start out with how amazing and in love…
Then crazy town.
That’s just…odd.
A discussion of expectations? Sure. “Rules”? WTF?
This is not okay. The being quiet when he sleeps is normal. Doing chores if you’re not paying rent would be reasonable. But not sleeping in “too long” sounds controlling and unreasonable and you have to work out once a day is deeply, deeply not okay. I would consider a requirement like that a good reason to dump somebody. The level of control over your body he wants to have is just too creepy.
I personally don’t think that this is what normal boyfriend should be doing, seems a little controlling and creepy. I could understand the not making noise thing but working out daily and doing the house work is too much seems like he wants a stay at home wife without marriage.
i dont think i would be comfortable living in that sort of arrangement. if he can start with four rules he can also add to them as he sees fit, seems rather controlling. notice how he didnt ask your input what sort of rules you had for him living with you?
You need to get yourself a part time job before you move in with him.
I get that he doesn’t want to feel like he’s the only one working (even though study is a form of work), but he’s going to resent sharing finances with you and you need some money of your own if the arrangement falls apart.
Sounds more like a dormitory or reform school
I personally would not be comfortable moving in with someone who would enforce rules on me. That’s not a home. Making rules together makes sense, but this is really weird.
Don’t move in with him.
It is weird and controlling. You’re not a child and he isn’t your parent. He doesn’t get to impose his rules on you. He can discuss his expectations with you and you can do that same and see if they align, but rules literally means he wants to control you. And somehow I don’t think this would be the last you hear about his rules. If he really thinks this is appropriate, there’s a huge chance he would introduce more of those once you actually move in. Fuck that, OP. Do you really want to live your life and have to think about wether you’ve broken any rules on day-to-day basis? Why would anybody accept this.
How can you know someone for 6 years and not know he is like this?
Having relationship rules is not abnormal, but the rules and question I guess are a little bit weird to me. Only one of those would be something I would be comfortable with as a hard rule.
In my relationship we have some general rules as well. For example, my partner loves cats, but she absolutely cannot have one because I am very allergic and will break out in a rash/hives and cough up a lung.
Rules around health or important lifestyle rules that revolve around work schedules make sense, but some of that stuff just seems a little bit too much for me.
That’s pretty controlling, but some more info is needed – will you be paying towards bills etc? If no, then doing all the cooking and cleaning is a fair deal.
Telling you to workout, and when to go to bed is too controlling.
What happens if you break some of the rules and don’t comply? How will he react?
It’s not okay that he’s not letting you be your free self.
Do you have any rules for him? I would really sit and think about if there is anything that is really important to you, because this seems like the opening gambit. If you ask him to do certain things and he balks at it, that isn’t a good sign.
Personally, I would ask him to do more of the chores / cooking etc when you have midterms and finals, but might be willing to take on the majority of the housekeeping normally. I would also make the distribution of finances and payment very clear (in writing). If you are a full-time student and he’s working, he will have more money and discretionary funds than you.
1- How much of this do you think has to do with you and how much do you think has to do with him? Is he projecting something onto you or did he have a bad experience with someone else. (I’m a night owl, So if I got to pick my own hours, staying up until 3:00 a.m. and waking up at 11:00 would be totally normal. — So if I had your schedule, he and I wouldn’t necessarily be a good match).
2- As far as exercise, I’m wondering how much this has to do with him and how much this has to do with you? (Has he gained some pandemic weight that he is self-conscious of?) Do you get to choose how you exercise? Is this basically an excuse to get you out of the house once a day or is he back-handedly calling you lazy? How would he feel if you signed up for a yoga class or is he expecting you to just run around the neighborhood?
3- This seems reasonable on the surface, but what does “Very quiet” actually mean? –Do you need to wear headphones? Could you watch TV in another room? What about typing your papers late at night? Phone calls? I would imagine after several years together you might know this information already.
4- I would definitely clarify what exactly the chores are that you are expected to do and what will he do himself? Are you expected to do his laundry? Is this a clean the bathroom once a week type deal or every other day? I would definitely come up with a cleaning schedule that you can both live with. (I would also ask him to pick some of the chores during midterms and finals).
5- You haven’t touched on it, but I would discuss what your weekends would look like. What are his expectations and what are your expectations? Does he invite “The boys” over for a game every Sunday? Do you expect to sleep in on the weekends and he doesn’t?
I feel like there are a lot of things in this that could turn into fights later because you guys haven’t necessarily clarified exactly what the expectation looks like.
(ie. 4- Him– You were supposed to do the cleaning and you haven’t done my laundry or ironed it in over a week. vs. 2- You- Welcome home, dear, I’m going to leave and go to my hour and a half kickboxing class now. Feel free to microwave yourself some leftovers. 1–Him It is 7 am, why are you still asleep? 3-. You– “Sleep well dear, I’m going to finish typing this 12-page paper and then I’ll join you in bed”. )
I would also try and figure out what the cleaning expectation would be once you get a job. Would you go to 50/50? What if you had a part-time job?
Hope things work out with your move.
number 4 and 3 are two rules that i could understand. But number one and two?
its ok to expect stuff of your partner, but to demand “rules”? I could understand an agreement with “if i cook, you wash the dishes” and vice versa. But the sleeping in?
with the working out.. is it like.. do u plan to be like workout buddies or does he just want you to workout because? and what happens if a rule isn’t followed?
I would REALLY reconsider living with him, probably sitting down and having a conversation would be good.
He sounds like a psycho
Wait, boyfriend or warden?
If you move in with him he’s going to control every little thing you do, this is his warning to you. Don’t go moving in with him and then be shocked when you happen to sleep in a bit one day and he loses his mind on you. He’s just told you exactly who he is, believe it.
Re: 4 – what about days when he’s not working? Does he expect you to cook and clean even when he’s at home? And I’m not certain about the ‘he has told me that he will not help with dishes’ – what, not EVER? I mean, fair enough when you’re home and he’s out working, but you’re working too, with studying and that can be very time intensive – does he imagine that you’re loitering on a couch all day? And what stops him helping on weekends?
I’d say put a pause on moving in together until you’ve talked out all these issues. And DEFINTELY have fall-back money, so you aren’t stuck with him if it doesn’t work out.
He seems like a joy to be with
Did you start dating when you were 21 and he was 26?
Yeah, that’s kind of BS and controlling.
So he’s wanting to treat you like he’s your dad and your his kid with the exception of you cooking and cleaning up after him and for him
Please. Don’t. Move. In
The way he’s approached you with this stuff isn’t great, but I think I can see what his concern might be: he doesn’t want a situation where because you’re not working and you spend all day lounging around, sleep in late, go to bed late, maybe get out of shape to a degree he doesn’t find you attractive anymore.
Talk to him about previous relationships, has he had a bad experience with this in the past? It doesn’t sound like that’s who you are as a person.
Whether this set up will suit you as a living arrangement is down to you, but I think you need at least some of your own money, either from a part-time job or an allowance if that’s possible. Otherwise you will have no financial independence at all.
Wow fuck that. How was he doing dishes before you were gunna move on? Your a god damn adult not a child
Keeping quiet while the other in bed is semi reasonable but he can also use white noise and such the rest are a pile of crap. Your meant to be a partnership not a dictatorship
No. No. No. Absolutely not. This is terrifying. If he starts here where is it going to end? You need to have a fair and equal discussion about how you both want to divide up the housework and the finances. You both need to discuss schedules and sleeping patterns and work out a solution together. He can’t just dictate rules to you. You’re supposed to be partners. Please please just think really hard about this . Please don’t allow him to control you.
He is controlling and these behaviours are abusive. Don’t move in with him and break up with him and cut all contact. Those requests are not normal.
I got the no.3 but 1,2 and 4..WTF. Controlling and weird don’t even begin to describe it.
Are you expected to pay at all in this arrangement? If not, so he thinks he can ‘control’ you in exchange of you not paying rent and utility?
I’m a little nervous for you, honestly. Or, perhaps he’s trying to turn you off from living with him or trying to postpone the move-in by giving you these rules……
The first two are so weird and controlling. The other two are reasonable.
Please don’t move in with him. These are screaming red flags.
When you move in with someone it’s a conscious decision on both sides, which means accepting the good, the bad as well as each other’s quirks and learn to compromise on at least some things. It also means that it would now be your home as well not just your bf’s. If he is laying out all these “Rules” even before you moved in, it usually means that he doesn’t think of his home as yours too. so if you can’t have the freedom of just living the way you want under the same roof as your BF just because it’s his home that you’re moving into then you will never feel at home with him, it will feel more like you’re his roommate or like he is your landlord because before this I have only seen landlords laying out do’s and dont’s before moving into an apartment. And the fact that he expects you do all the household chores just because you take classes virtually is unrealistic! And who did the dishes for him before you decided to move in? It’s ridiculous.
Maybe you should just take some time out to yourself and weigh in on everything before you actually decide. Because it’s a big move and you don’t want to feel like a stranger in the place you live. That’s like added stress and discomfort on top of all usual stress to deal with everyday.
Next he will have rules on how you can not be friends with males, how often you have to have sex, how often you may see your family, how often you may go out and so on.
There is making living together rules like: please don’t game at night when I sleep, please let’s make decisions about furniture etc together or the sleep thing. But degreeing how often you need to work out is wrong on so many levels.
I think you should trust your gut feeling about this. Something inside is telling you this is a red flag, and you’re right to feel this way.
Other than being quiet as a courtesy in the evening when he’s sleeping, none of these “rules” are reasonable requests. It’s concerning that he seems to think they are.
Girl send that man a thank you note from the safety of your own home. He has let you know exactly who he is before you moved in. Most of these kind keep it hidden until it’s too late and you’re trapped.
Don’t move in.
Don’t be somebody’s BangMaid.
This is not normal. What does working out have to do with living together? And why does he get away with no cooking and no cleaning while you’re studying full time? He’s seeing how much he can get you to agree to upfront. Then watch rules 5, 6, 7, 8 etc get added for your perceived misbehaviour.
If you move in with him after that, you’re making really awful life choices. Flags don’t get much redder, don’t be foolish and ignore them. This isn’t normal, it’s not healthy, and it’s not okay. This would be bordering on, if not, abuse. Imagine you had an adult daughter, would you be okay with some dude doing this to her?