When we have arguments he will make comments like ”open your eyes” or ”focus” or says other comments. In our last fight, he said something like: “Read what the f I’m talking about and use your brain to finally gen an idea of the simple thing I am saying”. It bothered me so I said “So I’m not using my brain?” and he responded with: ”If you are using your brain and keep thinking that I’m pushing over exes and not over faith, trust and good will over your partner’s judgment, then that’s surely bad news. But I think you are able to get it. So maybe you don’t use your brains properly, no.”
To offer context, we were arguing over several things. One of them being that he wanted to know my ex’s name and I refused, because I consider the information personal. I told him these things should not be asked and that I will not offer personally identifiable information. He said he was not interested, but only started to insist when he was I was reluctant in the first place. I don’t like the idea of telling him because he will most likely check him out on social media. The break up happened a long time ago, I got hurt and it’s one of the reasons why I don’t like giving this detail. It feels like it will put a face on something I consider a mistake.
I told him that if it’s about trust and intimacy, there are other ways to show that, not by lining up your exes. There were some ways I was closed with him, such a less affectionate, but because we are having a rough patch lately. He is also upset I’m not introducing him to my family. We started slowly dating in November, as he had gone out not long out of a relationship and so we took it slow. We became official in the beginning of February.
I noticed as I said, this tendency of his to make these lines when we are having arguments, but our last argument was the worst. I told him I will not stand to get insulted by him. By indirectly calling me stupid because he thinks I don’t use my brain. I had criticized his lack of maturity in asking about ex’s name(s), and he did his final reply to me about not sitting around getting insulted: ”Maturity is when you know when someone insults you or not.” And we haven’t spoken in two days. First time it happens. I feel I am owed an apology for said words.
**TL;DR** I feel my partner takes jabs at my intelligence during heated arguments, last time claiming I should use my brain to get a simple idea of what he’s saying and that I may not be using my brain.
3 comments
I think, in this instance, your age and maturity differences are really shining. It is reasonable to have a boundary that even in arguments we don’t insult each other’s intelligence. I would say another healthy relationship rule is, no silent treatments. Not talking for two days is not a great sign. Good couples work through tough feelings.
I think he’s not doing a good job of respecting your limits in lots of different ways- but the only way to get through that is to communicate more, not less.
Don’t date people in their early-to-mid-20s and then be confused why they are acting their age 🤦🏻♀️
I’ll put the important part first: your boyfriend is being a turd. It sounds like he uses mean internet argument tactics in person. His argument boils down to “if you weren’t so stupid, you’d agree with me.” That’s a pretty direct attack on your intelligence IMO.
I’d be tempted to respond to “use your brain” with “not until you use your heart” lol but I am petty at times.
I’m your age OP and I used to date someone 5 years my junior. What I learned is that a maturity gap is almost guaranteed with an age gap like this.
His insistence on knowing your ex’s name strikes me as an orange flag at best. It screams insecurity, and yes, immaturity to me. I have an abusive relationship in my past. It ended over a decade ago and I have never been in a similar situation since. I do not like talking about it and I would be very weirded out and unhappy if someone tried to force me to reveal his full legal name to them.
>Maturity is when you know when someone insults you or not.
I don’t want to belittle your pain OP, but I laughed at this. I’m not laughing at you. I’m laughing at how fucking ironic and absurd his comment is. A distinct sign of emotional maturity is the ability to hear “you hurt me” without getting super defensive. A mature person should, at the very least, be able to intellectually entertain the idea that something they did or said caused another person pain, regardless of their intent.
I’m not gonna tell you to “date age appropriate” because I think there are plenty of 25 year olds who wouldn’t be this insensitive, insecure and mean. This guy’s got a long road to emotional maturity ahead of him. The first step of that road is self-awareness and he has shown you that he lacks that essential quality.
Personally I wouldn’t have the patience to sit around waiting for him to catch up to his own age bracket, let alone ours. It’s your call OP, but as a fellow 35 year old, I ain’t got time for this kinda shit anymore.