My wife (30f) and I (32m) have been together for 7 years. She has always had less of a sex drive then me. Over the last few years our sex life is dwindling from around 5 times a week to 0-2 times per week. We use too have sex where we would both orgasm. Now it’s only me, and my wife will orgasm about once a month. I try my best to please her but it doesn’t seem to have any effect. She would rather just call it and go to bed.
I would almost always initiate sex and it has faded from yes to no. So many no’s that I have stopped asking. It seems the only reason we will have sex around 2 times per week is because she will come and say that we can’t have a sexless marriage. (Most of the time she doesn’t orgasm it feels out of obligation)
She says I need to romance her more. But we just got off a week vacation no obligations or stress, and we just had sex twice and it had the obligation feeling with no passion, where she just goes to sleep after I finish and ask her what she wants. She says she finds me sexy and attractive but doesn’t act on it.
I miss that feeling of someone wanting me and desires me. I don’t know what to do. I have talked to her several times about it and each time I have brought it up she says she has a low sex drive and and I think the last time I brought it up it ended if a fight. So now I just don’t talk about it or bring it up. I stopped asking her if she wants to have sex, stopped trying to initiate because it’s so much work to just get rejected.
I don’t even know how to get our sex life back?
2 comments
Maybe she really just has a low sex drive for real and isn’t in the mood. Wait for it to change maybe idk. Otherwise all you can do is continue on or try to have a serious talk about it again but really sit her down and explain how it’s making you feel.
She sounds bored, especially seeing as she’s asked to be romanced more. Sex isn’t inherently exciting once it’s super familiar (often times) unless your hormones are off the charts, so there has to be some mental stimulation to fire things up. If she isn’t finishing anymore it’s probably not because you’re thrusting wrong, she’s just not mentally stimulated. I don’t see what a vacation with no obligations and stress has to do with her request for romance — it makes things easier and pleasant, but not romantic. Research how to be more romantic if you aren’t sure what to do.
You guys may also need to explore her sexuality more in general. There are usually ways to make things more exciting. I don’t know about your wife, but my parter would get really bored if I was always verbally asking to do anything before I did it. Asking for sex instead of initiating it, asking what she wants to do next in the bedroom, etc.. We have a safeword that means STOP, but otherwise I just do what I want quite often. And I don’t just abuse this privilege to be sexually annoying, I make it my goal to be effectively seductive to her through my actions and my words. And I make sure the sex is really good for her.
If someone is feeling a little low on energy and not particularly horny, they won’t often leap to say YES when you just ask for sex. But if you can get them excited and get stuff going naturally, things are more likely to happen. It’s going to be more enjoyable for her that way, and if you’re doing it well you’ll excite yourself, too. This doesn’t mean I never just ask about sex (and sometimes she asks me) but it keeps things varied and interesting to not require a formal suggestion.
And like I said, we have a safeword in case she really truly does not want my advances. Essential! Because if I don’t hear a safe word I will just push past any moderate early verbal protests she might give me, which she really enjoys. She gets to act tired and/or hesitant when she feels that way, but ultimately I get her worked up and she gets fun sex regardless, and feels super desired in the process (which she is, lol). Obviously I don’t try to initiate sex if it seems like a really bad time, but I’m not always waiting on a verbal “YES IM HORNY LETS DO IT” either. She talks all the time about how much she loves how we do things. She LOVES it. And I can easily imagine a scenario where she’d be more bored with sex and just not be too interested. You guys probably just need to experiment with your dynamic. And work in the romance if that’s what she asked for! Learn how to push her buttons more. She sounds like she wants you to.