I (37f) have a great job. I don’t love it. I’m pretty bored by it. But the money is good ($99,400 a year) for how little work I actually have to do. I rarely work more than 45 hours a week and only work weekends 7 or 8 times a year.
My partner of 1.5 years spent the last decade chasing a dream of being a successful musician. He was in a jazz band that toured a decent amount, and supplemented it with working at a bar most of the rest of the year. He is now in his late 30s and sometime in the next month or two he will be done with a UX Design certification program that he’s been doing since Oct 2021. In the meantime he’s had a couple of jobs bartending about 20 hours a week.
I have so many dreams and things I want to do. I want to travel for a month (Ive sacrificed a lot to save up 6 weeks of PTO so I can take an extended vacation). But he doesnt have the money to travel. I agreed to go to his bandmate’s wedding later this summer, and bought our flights so I could have the points on my card. That was over a month ago and he doesnt have the money to pay me back yet.
I also only have a couple of years left to safely have a child. He wants to have a kid too, but doesn’t even have health insurance right now so he can’t get checked for his own fertility. I can’t afford childcare on my own. I know he wont be able to help with such a precarious financial situation. My parents cant help me financially because they’re both poor enough to be on government assistance.
We use my car to go everywhere because his is really old and falling apart. But that means my maintenance, gas, and mileage rack up.
When I first met him, he hadn’t been employed for 8 months because of COVID and was living in his friend’s basement with some housemates. But I saw something in him. He had goals for a career and a family. I took a gamble because I believed in him. I wish I could hold onto that feeling because as each day goes by I’m feeling more and more frustrated.
My friend’s husbands surprise them with weekends away or spa days. Not going to lie, that would be ideal, but I don’t necessarily need all that; I cant remember the last time he even bought me dinner, though. Meanwhile, I have taken him on a few weekend getaways here and there so I can still have the romantic experiences I want.
We have talked about engagement, but he wants to wait until he can afford a nice ring. I’ve sent him options that are half the price of what I think he’s waiting to buy and even offered to help pay for half, which he agreed to let me do. But he still wants to wait to be able to afford his part of the perfect thing.
As you can gauge from this vent session, I’m frustrated and disappointed. I sometimes fantasize about meeting someone who is more financially successful and further along in their career. It makes me feel terrible because my partner has 1,000 amazing qualities. He makes me feel so loved. He is supportive, thoughtful, kind, smart, patient, understanding, committed. He has almost every quality I want in someone I would share my life with. He also does all the cooking, so its not like he is just idle. The issue is that I feel like I’m in a limbo. I’m waiting for everything. For weekend trips, longer vacations, for babies I don’t have the luxury of waiting for, an engagement, for him to get a stable full time job. I’m losing my patience. Really.
How can I chill out and not feel so frustrated and nip this resentment thats begun to form?
TL; DR. How can I appreciate my partner for all we DO have more, and chill out on the impatience and resentment over his current lack of money?
19 comments
You’re both almost 40. I don’t have much hope he will ever get to the place you are. You will probably need to accept that the finances will mostly be on you if you stay or breakup and find someone on the same level.
>I took a gamble
I’m sorry, but… i think you lost. You feel like you are in limbo because you are waiting for a version of him you were hoping would materialize, but it isn’t. And it probably won’t.
It’s ok to be honest… you want more. That’s ok. But not only is he not going to provide it, or help you get there, he is not even going to bring an equitable amount to the table. I should HOPE he’s kind, supportive, patient and understanding bc those are all FREE and what else is he bringing? 🙂 I don’t mean that to sound cold, but… you can find someone who is those things as well as moderately stable financially.
You are always going to be the breadwinner with him. Plan with that in mind. If you have a child he would HAVE to be the stay at home parent. That would be non negotiable for me.
Also don’t hold your breath on the UX training, unless it’s like a college course or boot camp or something. It seems to be something people are doing online, earning certificates thinking it can get them a high paying job fast with little effort. But I don’t think they prepare people enough to get hired unless they already have some related experience, like web designer, or programmer.
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Remember this op. If his band makes it big he will be touring and you will hardly ever see him. It’s time to cut your losses, this guy is never going to be who or what you want in a partner.
Don’t let the sunk cost fallacy prevent you from making the right decision here.
Resentment is the greatest relationship killer and it’s near impossible for someone to let go of it without significant effort from both people.
Sit down and talk to him about how you feel, and try get an honest answer out of him as to whether or not he can step up and get his shït together. You both need to be realistic about what to expect from one another.
I think that you are in a place where you are prioritizing the things that are most important to you. And I think that’s the activity that you need to continue to do. Prioritizing will tell you whether or not this relationship is worth it.
If having kids is absolutely the number one most important thing to you, then it’s not going to happen in this relationship and you should go elsewhere.
There are ways to make things work, like you not buying him things and letting him live in the financial choices that he has chosen. He has to live within his means, it’s really important, otherwise you will be paying his way and you will resent it even more.
Right now it sounds like the big question in your mind is whether or not he actually is saving money. Whether or not he actually is going to finish his degree. Whether or not he actually is going to buy a ring, fix up the car, and so on and so forth. None of us can predict the future but you can predict the present by looking at how things are going. See if you can find out where his money is going, what things he is spending his money on. Does he has savings accounts? What are they for? And so on and so forth.
It would also be wise for you to think about what his life is going to be like when he does graduate. Will he have student loans? What will his income be starting out as a ux designer with no experience? What will help his bills be like and how much will be left over to actually save? What sort of lifestyle is he living right now and how much of his paycheck will go towards those things?
His salary might change when he gets a job after finishing his degree, but his spending habits won’t.
I hope that these things will help you to figure out where he is going in his life and whether this is good enough for you.
It doesn’t really matter if somebody has goals to do a thing. It matters whether or not they are getting there. Just because I have a goal to become a Ferrari and stand in a garage doesn’t mean I’m actually suddenly becoming a luxury Transformer.
I know this might sound a bit discouraging, but on the flip side, it’s important to remember that even with the most robust and airtight of plans, life has a way of screwing them up somehow. Remember that scene in Up where Carl and Ellie have that dream of going on an adventure to Paradise Falls together, but things keep happening, and they keep having to smash the bottle of their savings to pay for life’s little mishaps?
In the end, Carl finds out that Ellie came to the realization long before him that even though they never got to do all they wanted together, that was okay because life itself was still an adventure in itself, and trying to get somewhere is at least better than not trying to.
You have love, and that’s a valuable thing to cherish.
I understand you’re worried about all these things because you’ve tried so hard and you feel like time is running out. But don’t let that sap your enjoyment of the moment either. You might be surprised how often life can work miracles when you learn to relax into its flow.
Also, you’re not dead yet. Your 30’s and even 40’s are still young (with modern medicine, more of us will live to our 90’s at least), and you still have all the time in the world to travel. Having a kid might seem late, but my parents had me when they were nearly 40, and you could always adopt.
I’m personally 36 and my life is nothing like what I planned either, and it’s discouraging because I panic about if I’ll ever get to do what I want in my life too. But I’ve been told by my therapist numerous times that she meets with people struggling through bitter divorces and custody battles at my age. All of those couples had meticulously planned out the trajectory of their lives before things went south, and that helps me keep things in perspective.
So what I mean by all this is cherish the love you have. But also, keep your dreams in realistic perspective of what’s achievable when it comes to your bf, and know that not everything you want will be possible with him. I can tell you have this version in your mind of the partner you want him to be, but that might not be who he is. But he could surprise you in other ways.
If you feel it’s worth it to sacrifice him for chasing what you want and potentially finding someone else who’s as much of a go-getter as you and can net you all these things you want, then by all means, that’s your right. Just know that doing that comes with an equal amount of risk.
We all have to make peace at some point with the parts of our lives we were unable to live. Whatever you decide to do next, just remember that, and you’ll be at peace with your decision.
>But I saw something in him. He had goals for a career and a family. I took a gamble because I believed in him. I wish I could hold onto that feeling because as each day goes by I’m feeling more and more frustrated.
You shouldn’t date “potential.” You have to date who the person is today, right now. Not who they might become or who they (or you) wish they were.
If I were you, I wouldn’t be happy dating someone like your BF. I’d think being single would be better than settling for being with someone who doesn’t add to your life in ways that are important.
He’s got time to pull it together. You really don’t. He can have kids at 40+ if he finds someone willing to have his kids. You’re already “geriatric” pregnancy even if you had one today. It’s not impossible to have a healthy pregnant at 40, but it’s definitely much riskier both for you and the baby.
If this is the only guy you have as an option then you have to be ok with being the breadwinner forever. He will never change so don’t expect him to. Never date potential. You have to take him as he is.
>But I saw something in him.
Sorry, but this is just wishful thinking. You need to date people for who they are, not for who you hope they will become. Especially in your late 30’s.
Resentment is usually a relationship killer. It’s hard to come back from. If the rest of your life was exactly how it is now, would you be happy with that? With him?
So you fell in love with someone who doesn’t exist and with whom you won’t be able to have children anytime soon, not the way you’ve dreamed anyway.
I know this is awful what I’m going to say but maybe just have kids with him and then agree to have a friendship. If you want kids now is the time so, I think you would need to do that and be okay with seperating
First of all as a partner you have to accept your partner as they are the good and the bad. If you can’t do that then you need to go your separate ways. It sounds to me like you will always have an issue with being the breadwinner and it will cause resentment in the end. Do not have a child with this man and don’t marry him. If money is going to be this big of a factor now imagine how bad it will be in 5 years with a mortgage and a child. I’m a woman and the primary breadwinner in my house. I’m ok with it because I accept my partner for who he is. He pulls his weight in other areas that might not be financial.
As far as not being able to afford childcare it’s hard for me to swallow on 99k a year you can’t afford childcare, even in a high cost of living area. I live in a high cost of living area, when I was single I still had a $2200 mortgage to make every month and managed to send my son to private school while making 75k a year. I had to make concessions to make it all fit, a less expensive car, not so lavish vacations, only going out to eat once a week, etc but we lived a comfortable life just me and my son. I don’t know about your area but private school is a lot more than daycare is in my area.
The reality of things are your partner isn’t going to change. He’s at an age where he’s set in his ways and you are set in yours. You have to decide if you love him enough to handle being the breadwinner and being happy with your partner as he is. If the answer is you want him to change then you need to end it because it’s not fair to either one of you.
Dating someone for their potential is always such a shitshow, especially because we always fall into the trap of “well, with THIS one, it’s different …”. Trust me, it ain’t different with this one.
You need to be ok with who they are now. Maybe things will change but you can’t date their future, you have to date their present.
Why worry about this now when he’s a month away from finishing a career change program? Wait 6 months, and in that time he’ll either have a full time job and be more financially self sufficient, or he won’t, and you’ll have to make a final call about whether the money outweighs his good qualities.
It seems like a good guy, but you need to be realistic. Your partner’s not going to have a career anytime soon. You are saving your PTO to travel but also really want kids, would it make more sense to save it for maternity leave?
If you want to stay and build a family with him, the only realistic option I see for the two of you is for you to be the breadwinner.
Would he be willing to be the main carer for any children you might have?
If you really want kids with this guy, I’d forget the ring and the weekends away and focus on the one thing that won’t wait – kids.
He has had 19 years to start and build a career. Not much chance of it happening in the next year or 2 and then you’ll be 40.
Can you find a cheaper house further out? He can be a SAHD and continue with online courses in the meantime.
If you allow a boy the option of never having to grow up and become a man. Many will choose to be Peter Pan until they’re FORCED by life to do more with themselves.
It sounds like this is the case for your BF. You now have a choice. You can enable his behavior or your can set down rules and boundaries. Resentment like this rarely gets better with time. You need to take action and address it OR you can accept it and enable it.
Your choice.
So you picked a guy who was a struggling musician, lived in a friend’s basement and had no stable employment, and are now frustrated just a short time later that earning money isn’t his motivator in life?
Some of the comments are mind bogging. One person wrote something along the lines of he needs to grow up and get a real job. Normally I would agree. But the man is free to live his life his own way. Going into a relationship with someone with the intention of radically changing them is the bigger issue in this story.