Okay, I’m in a predicament and need some objective opinions here. This is going to be long because there is some context to consider.
Context:
I went to a classic catholic all-boys school. Looking back now it was toxic af but at the time no one knew better. I (33M) met my best friend there Max(33M). Max and I were inseparable but we had very different interests and passions. I was more into sports and he was more into arts and drama. During high school, he was the chubby flamboyant (he once wore a colourful pocket square to school-again all-boys school) drama geek. Chad(34M) and I played on the 1st/varsity football team together and he and his mates were the classic jock bullies to everyone who slightly differed from the typical toxic male personality. Max would get called slurs about his sexuality and they would refer to me as his boyfriend. It was all water on a duck’s back till Max was my plus one at a post-game party. Max and Chad got into an altercation at the party and Max punched Chad and stormed out. I confronted Chad who told me he would leave Max alone and was very apologetic. I was proud of Max but Max never told me what happened. Chad avoided Max for the remainder of high school.
During Uni, Max came into his own. He grew taller, lost all his baby fat and came out as gay. He moved to another city and works a happy successful career in the arts. We have remained BF and facetime weekly. I started my first day at an investment bank and one of my colleagues was Chad. We worked together for 5 years and became good friends. Chad mellowed out and actually led the employee D&I committee. He said it was his way of apologising for the homophobic slurs he threw around before and was proud it his work, he asked me to tell Max of his work and he was sorry. He would always express his regret to me when we would drink. Max would scoff and made negative comments, but I know that those words hurt Max back in the day. Chad introduced me to his fiance (30F) Emily and her cousin, Bridgette (28F) who is now my fiance. Towards the end, Chad went through a dark period and I learnt a lot about the family expectations and pressure he felt. He eventually quit and went back to Uni to study Social Work. This was shocking to me at the time as it would be 6x less money but Chad is loving it. Max is going to be my best man, and I know enough that Chad can’t be in the groom’s party. Chad is totally cool with this and has offered to apologise and clear the air with Max. Emily( Bridgette’s MOH) on the other hand is not cool with it, to say the least. Chad told me he will explain everything to her and not to stress.
Last week, we held an engagement party and Max flew up to celebrate with Bridgette and me. I invited Chad and Max over before the start of the party and we had a cordial beer together they hugged it out unbeknown to me they were messaging earlier that day so it wouldn’t be awkward. At the party, it had been a while since people had seen Max all grown up and everyone was complimenting Max and being super nice to him except Emily. She would leave a conversation if he entered, be cold and make rude remarks. I pulled her aside and asked her what was up. She replied Chad told me everything and can’t believe I would do Chad like that. I told her, it’s the past and plus Chad knows he started most of the shit. As I was saying that, in the bathroom area I heard yelling and an altercation. Max had punched Chad and stormed out. I was shocked.
* Chad’s nose is broken but he is laughing it off and saying it was a misunderstanding that isn’t Max’s fault.
* Max is refusing the answer my calls.
* Emily is bat shit crazy atm and needs to stop calling/texting me.
* Bridgette is saying I need to sort this out and should drop Max if he isn’t over it and will cause drama.
* I’m just smoking a doobie and writing this. What are my options Reddit?
29 comments
Chad needs to dump
Emily and max might not return your calls at all. So write him a letter/email, have Chad write him a letter/email – see if you can get it sorted.
Your bride has jitters from the drama and weddings get drunk and also stupid so maybe close the open bar, stick to beer and wine.
Sounds like Max isn’t coming to the wedding!
It’s impossible to know without knowing why they fell out in the first place and what was said at the engagement party, but I wonder if Chad and Max had a secret, romantic relationship and Chad betrayed Max by ignoring and bullying him in public.
One question? Who is Troy? That’s the only part that confused me. Is Chad really Troy? As for the altercation that ensued as adults. The first thing to find out is why the adult altercation went down. I know you’re trying to reach Max, but whatever happened, at least to me, appears to be Chad/Troy induced since he was so willing to laugh off a broken nose. Your fiancée asking you to drop a friend you’ve had since you were boys, really isn’t fair at this point since you don’t know what happened. I applaud your other school friend for appearing to have changed and wanting to do better, but some people just don’t “get over” bullying, so if he said something to Max as adults, that’s going to bring back a lot of emotions. I really don’t know what to say OP except it’s important to find out what happened before making any rash decisions. Good luck with that.
Stand with your friend max. You fiancé sounds like a nightmare to be honest she is picking side off what she wants not what is right her morals are fucked and I would re evaluate you entire situation. People don’t just punch people for no reason. 99% you so called friends Chad is still an ass and made a comment thinking it was funny.
until you get to the bottom of the situation i don’t think its right to decide what to do. i got no clue how to do that if no one will tell you what’s going on and OMFG you’re all way too old for this bullshit
100 bucks on Chad is still a chad and said something offensive trying to be funny. Emily and Bridgette sound like high school mean girls. Max clearly still carries some deep trauma from those years. He’s your only true friend in all of this – find him and make sure he’s ok. Be less high first.
Do we even know what happened? how could they have gone from cool to punching in a matter of minutes, what happened.
Definitely the dude who “changed” hasn’t changed as much as you both like to think and almost definitely said something which demonstrated that fact to Max who then punched him and left
You tell a story where one person is honest and kind and the other is objectively a dick, you then say the dick got better (but don’t really give examples beyond “he got a less soul destroying job and was nice to me”) and then something happens (which you can’t explain) which appears at face value to match exactly the issues you used to have before (where one was genuine and the other a dick) and for some reason everyone is siding with the dick?
Might it be that dick is attractive and successful and you want him as a friend because it benefits your life, and the conundrum arises from realizing that makes you shitty too?
I mean – you objectively have no reason to think nice friend is just randomly violent, and other guy has a history of dickishness. Just a thought.
Chad laughing off a broken nose seems pretty telling of the situation. I would imagine he made a crappy joke at Max’s expense and he decided to show him he’s no longer allowing himself to be treated this way. Emily sounds like a real winner for sulking about insta pics and backing her former bully fiancé. Bridgette needs to know she can’t demand someone get over childhood trauma just because she’s getting married. Honestly, Max sounds like the only one you should stick with.
Maintain your friendship with Max, you guys have been friends all this time. Find out what Chad said, if he and Max were cool for the majority of the time during the party and then all of a sudden a fight breaks out, 9 times out of 10, Chad maybe said something offensive. I do think Max needs to not let people get him riled up and learn how to walk away. It’s never ok putting your hands on other people, so he needs to stop before he actually meets his match one day. Tell your fiancé and her bestie to stay out of your business and it’s not their decision to not have Max in the wedding, they need to only worry about the rest of the bridesmaids. If Max agrees to still partake in the wedding, have a genuine talk with him and let him know if a physical altercation occurs at your wedding, you’d take a step back from the friendship.
You should find out what the altercation was.
But if Chad and Max were cool beforehand, based on her attitude and remarks I’d bet Emily pulled a Jada.
Same post, same comment:
Why did Chad ask YOU over the years to relay apologies to Max?
Why did Chad only “offer” to YOU that he would apologize to Max to clear the air for your wedding as the wedding approached?
Chad isn’t reformed no matter how many diversity committees at his own job he sits on (and asks you to brag about on his behalf) if he hasn’t taken the initiative over the many years of his “reformation “ to apologize directly to Max of his own accord, for Max, not for a third party (you, or those underprivileged youth he works with, or the diversity committees he sits on).
I’m not even getting into the fact that Chad didn’t bother to make sure Emily was on his side (the CHAD was the bad guy) regarding Max AND the wedding pictures. Ok I’ll get into it a little. Did Chad lie to Emily and potentially got her worked up and allowed or encouraged her to pick up where he left off bullying Max? Why did Emily think there was an OP- Max conspiracy to exclude her Chad from wedding pictures?
Team Max.
I’d reach out to Emily to try and figure out what happened. She seems most receptive to trying to talk. Obviously you would need to hear from Max and Chad what happened to but, getting a partial story from Emily seems like the easiest source of information at this point.
What are your options? Well my brother, first of all you should light up another doobie, if you haven’t already. Secondly you should turn your phone off, go outside, enjoy the weather and then let all these problems just solve themselves.
I really wanna hear an update on this on.
First I would try to talk to Max.
Honestly chads silence on what happened years ago and what went on now is pretty suspicious imo.
You need to tell Chad how serious this is and that he Has to tell you the truth. Honestly I think your missing the forest for the trees, either this isa ruse and Chad hasn’t changed or this is a ruse and Chad is deeply in the closet and being around Max is a reminder/trigger that unleashes his self hatred/homophobia (edit, just because you’ve never seen Chad hit on a man doesn’t mean anything lol)
I’m so confused. What the hell do Emily and Bridgette know that you don’t or won’t say? They are a little over intense even for knowing Chad first.
I get that young Chad was a douche, but there’s something huge missing if Max is that prepared to risk jail for breaking someone’s nose.
Without knowing Max’s side of the story, it’s impossible to say what your next move should be. That being said, if Max hasn’t been known to be violent with anyone else and Chad was laughing after the incident, I’d put money on Chad saying something dumb and offensive to Max. To be perfectly honest, it doesn’t sound like Chad has changed as much as you think, he just hides his douche side better.
Overall take, ESH. Violence is never the answer, but it sounds like Max’s trauma from the bullying runs deep and anything Chad says is going to be through the lens of the ‘old Chad.’ Also, tell Emily and Bridgette to butt out, this isn’t their problem.
I wonder if Max and Chad have a romantic history.. Could explain a lot of the remaining tension.
Chad likely didn’t tell Emily the truth and what he said painted Max in a bad light because he didn’t want her actually talking to Max about him..
Do you actually know what happened with Chad and Max in high school that led to the initial punching? Both of these events occurring away from your eyes is odd to me.
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Especially the second event apparently occurring in the bathroom as you’re all adults. Something seems fucked.
I’m unfortunately thinking Chad hasn’t changed as much as he likes to think or at least still sees the whole things as nothing but a joke. I know you might think a lot of the slurs Max endured were “water off a duck’s back”, but I assure you to him they were never that.
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I think you really need to find out the history of what occurred in high school and now.
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Emily needs to back off as she’s only tangentially involved at best.
Cage match
You need to figure out what happened between them because there is a reason neither of them will talk about it. At the end of the day, Max has been a true friend to you for years and you should not kick him out of the wedding over this. $10 says that they experimented with each other in high school and Chad really hurt him by bullying him.
Please update when you figure everything out!
Also smoking a doobie, I’m so invested in this debacle. Max is clearly your main man and needs some time to cool off because he is either really embarrassed or really hurt from what ever Chad said. I’m not team Chad but I see a lot of people just assuming the dude is still a shit person. Sounds like he’s really put some work into atoning for his past, doesn’t excuse it but he’s trying to be a better person. People can change.
The real question is what was said that made Max fly off the handle, there lies the answer OP. Is Chad back to his old ways? Then give him a back seat on one of the pews and be weary because he’s harbouring the same old hate after all his ‘work’ on himself. The harder solution is what if what Chad said wasn’t anything of any merit and Max overreacted? I doubt it but if so OOOFFT. If that’s the case you’ve somehow got to try reconciling them? Invite them both boxing and don’t tell the other they’re coming then get a beer after? Haha. It’s a tough one dude. Chad needs to apologize regardless, not via message like face to face and to be real about it. Also Emily needs to pull her head in with that passive aggressive shit and stop going off what Chad’s told her and get to know him. Team Max but believe in a potential team Max/Chad.
Anywho that’s my 2c, you do you mate.
Congrats on the engagement and best of luck brother!
What you relayed to us here has to be incomplete. One of your friends is lying about something or else none of this makes any sense. You paint a picture of Chad as being reformed and just hours before the start of the party they buried the hatchet. That doesn’t change without someone intentionally provoking an incident.
Personally, my money is on Chad. I don’t see Max starting something and then hitting Chad. More likely Chad provoked him to get exactly the reaction he got. It just doesn’t make sense the other way around. In fairness, I don’t see an upside for Chad either. Unless he’s just an asshole.
My opinion? Chad’s a dickhead and Max slays.
Sit there and actually think about it; Chad seems to be very apologetic for giving Max so much shit but is more than happy to spout a victim story to his fiance?
And more than happy to brush off Emily’s snide remarks and not correct himself?
No, Chad doesn’t care, he’s being sly and in your oblivious eyes he can easily get away with it.
Help out your best man and talk to him, rather than hiding away and looking for answers on Reddit ffs, you’re 33yrs old.
Everything Shrimpley said AND Emily heard the story from Chad and her response is to HATE Max. And you didn’t wonder, how exactly did Chad spin this story??? How is Emily furious at the victim of long term bullying who finally stood up for himself? Oh, probably Chad forgot that first part…
I am so sorry, I can’t contribute here. I can only advise you to wait to hear back from Max. Give him a chance to explain, as he’s your best friend. Depending on how the stories line up act accordingly. Don’t presume anything and just wait for more information.
Please let us know how it goes
This story sounds so fake lol.