21. Gonna be moving out of my parents’ place and living on my own for the first time soon. And I can predict that the rest of my life is just gonna be like in Taxi Driver: working long hours mostly for necessity but also to distract myself from the existentialism and how I don’t have any friends or anyone who really cares about me.
Most areas of my life keep getting better. I’ve suffered from clinical depression since I was 12 but recently fixed that with the right medication. Was overweight, now I’m legit kinda skinny. Was always copying others for how to act and dress and now I’m much more authentic and got my own sense of style. I don’t think my face is bad-looking, I look average but like to think that my different sense of style compensates, some people definitely see me as a bit of a curiosity.
But I’m 21 years old and I have no real friends, have not had any real friends since my bubble burst after high school at 16. I have acquaintances; people I know and their contacts on social media, but no real friends. No one ever really invites me to stuff, I just show up at the same events and we talk. Sometimes people who I’ve met before won’t even acknowledge me and keep their distance. It’s clear that no one has me in mind like ever. This is besides some people who evidently don’t like me, but at least they tend to be a minority and it can be attributed to just societal judgement.
The key is clearly not consistency, as I’ve attended the same kind of events/places for many many months at this point. Perhaps the key is persistence? But it’s clear that no one wants a true connection with me. You can see it in people’s eyes when they have a connection with each other, and I feel that no one is pulled to me, rather they’re repelled by me or see me as frivolous and uninteresting.
Perhaps I don’t really seem authentic. I am a diagnosed autistic and depressive, and have always felt like I was acting or copying people rather than being myself, even if I feel more authentic these days. I’ve also experienced a drastic personality change in the past 2 years. I keep thinking it must be my fault, because I see people who by all logic should be societal rejects somehow have a successful social life.
I’m very afraid that this problem has no chance of getting any better as I’ll have to definitely cut down on spending and can’t just party the way better-off people do once I start living on my own.
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Think about it this way. You want people to text/invite/connect with you, which is fine. But why should people text/invite/connect with you ? The truth is people subconsciously attach you to the value you bring to your interactions. In other words, there has to be a clear, unique, and convincing reason for people to reach out to you. People gather this from the quality of conversations you have with them. You reaching out or knowing them for a long time isn’t simply enough for them to reach out to you. You have to genuinely connect with them in person, be confident in expressing yourself in person, and bring positive vibes. Even better, find ways to add to people’s lives. Maybe you have a skill, hobby, or talent that aligns with people’s interests. Let them know about it. Offer to help people in some aspect of life. People respect those who impact their lives.
In general, people are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation. They gravitate towards somebody who is self confident and well-rounded in life. You need to focus on becoming genuinely busy in life pursuing your goals and hobbies, while learning how to interact with other people on the side. Find something you enjoy doing or are passionate for and keep doing it overtime. Find groups in your area who are also pursuing the same thing. Chase excellence, not people.
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Is it really a problem though? What if being alone has more value than fitting in. Do you ever look at the crowds of people that are friends? Usually you can depict what they have in common. Sometimes you’ll see people being friendly together because they think it’s an obgliation. Sometimes you’ll see the people that get in groups to talk shit and belittle other individuals. That’s personally not my style. But to each their own. Then, you’ll see the people who you can tell are genuinely happy being friends. A lot of the times these people have similar interests, and think alike. I heard from a wise man once…if you’re chasing a dream, you want to SURROUND yourself around like minded-people. Now take a look at the crowds around you and try to understand what it is they have in common. Do you want to fit in, in a crowd, just because it feels better not to be lonely? Or do you want to find just ONE or maybe two people that are like-minded with good intentions? If you’re anything like me you’d probably say the 2nd option. It’s not easy to find like-minded people in today’s world. People are good with deception. But if somebody shows you time and time again that they don’t care about you: with tone of voice, their actions, or what they say, make the search for good people easier on yourself and eliminate this person from your thought process. Negative people will never see a wrong doing in their poor behavior. It’ll make it easier to find genuine people if you eliminate the ones who obviously aren’t a match. Maybe for somebody else they are, but focus on your mind-set and wait for someone with similar thinking to come along. A lot of the times you can’t just rush finding a good friendship. Hell even relationships. But when in a hurry, more tends to go wrong.
Be mindful of everyone’s nature, behaviours and actions and act accordingly. Expect nothing back.
The main thing I’ve learned from my friendship with my best friends is: trust and loyalty. It’s simple, but these 2 factors are what make my friendships last for over a decade. Simple but effective. Despite that, it needs to be mutual so there’s that.