I’ve known her for around 6 years now which is what makes this so painful for me and tells me I have a serious problem. I want to know if there’s anything I can do to salvage this and if not, what I can do to prevent this with future connections.
We’ve liked eachother and been on and off these past 6 years but I wasn’t able to commit because of stress/uncertainty in my life and I became distant and negative for several weeks, so it’s totally my fault that it didn’t work out as a relationship. So naturally anyone would move on, and she’s started liking someone else recently and gotten really close to them which should be completely fine. We still had an amazing friendship and had so many laughs and spoke about anything, so she was still my best friend despite the feelings.
But once someone close to me starts to get close to others, whether that’s in friendships or relationships, I become extremely jealous and insecure I guess because I’m scared of being replaced/abandoned. I start to feel as if they’re finding other people because I wasn’t enough for them and was too boring. I know that jealousy is one of the most toxic traits because it can lead to manipulation, but my way of dealing with it is to just distance or cut someone off. In my mind I guess I’m saving them from dealing with my crap and saving myself from being replaced and hurt.
She was distraught and surprised when I wanted to cut things off and kept refusing because she still wanted to stay friends despite not being in a relationship, but I just feel too hurt and insecure knowing that she’s closer to someone else and I just decided to end it to save us from future pain and having to deal with my insecurity.
I really need help on how to deal with my insecurity, because I know it’s gonna ruin more relationships in the future. If you have any experience or advice I’d be really grateful. I will get therapy for this in the future but it’s not an option right now unfortunately. Sorry about the long post, I’ve tried to explain things best I can but honestly I’m confused about my own feelings and just want someone to help me.
TLDR – My jealousy of my friends social lives and relationships makes me distance myself from them and feel insecure. It also prevents me from making friends in the first place since I don’t feel good or interesting enough to be in their lives. How do I get over this?
4 comments
If you want to run someone off, being overly jealous and possessive is the way to do it. Maybe you should see a therapist and isolate why you think everybody is going to walk out on you
What are doing about your issues? How are you working on them? Because they won’t go away on their own. They never do. In fact, the older you get, more difficult it becomes to deal with them. So the sooner you decide to take control over your life and deal with your stuff, sooner you’ll be able to have functioning relationships. Therapy would be a very good place to start, or at least some self-help literature…
Therapy.
And get distance from her – you clearly cant be friends with her right now.
Long paragraph warning, please bear with me. I had to deal with this myself too, from the sound of it I was probably way more toxic than you. I dealt with it first by strengthening my relationship with my family, I don’t know if that’s an option for you but learning to be a good friend to family helps you learn to be family to a good friend. Second, I decided that until I was happy with myself I should only be friends with people and never communicate with any exes except to apologize for bad behavior. Even when it was painfully tempting to flirt back with someone I cut romance out so I could a) focus on becoming someone I could be happy with and b) gain the ability to simply be grateful to have a single friend at all. Gratitude was key, for me. Loving people is a skill and you have to learn how to love people without making it about you, that means accepting before you even meet them that they’re probably happier around others – and that in some instances so are you – and that’s a good thing because real love isnt a competition to be the most loved. Friends come and go and it’s best to enjoy them while they’re there. Friendships end but the memory of a friendship lasts forever and its important to part ways lovingly so that the memory doesn’t become tainted for either of you. When you learn how to be this for people you will be ready to date again, but do be careful who you pick because once your perspective becomes healthy and positive you will realize it’s a magnet for possessive insecure people – like the person you used to be. And don’t get down on yourself when you read this, I know you can do it because you cared enough to make this post. You’re already healing, friend 🙂