Might be overthinking this. But my (30f) boyfriend (30m) jokes a decent amount about putting low effort into the relationship. Like he will joke saying things like “he’s a parasite and just takes and takes” and “he’s a leach” and other things like that. But he actually puts in a lot of effort and treats me like an equal which is something I love and was looking for in a relationship. (Even had it on my hinge profile when we connected). So why does he make jokes like this? How can I get him to stop making the jokes?
It’s a sensitive topic for me as towards the end of my last relationship I was pulling 90/10 for the relationship and asked my ex for more help and support and he would consistently say he couldn’t give any more than the 10%. Hence why this time around I was looking for a 50/50 partner which my boyfriend is. But his jokes about lack of effort hurt and spike up my defenses. I have responded to them saying how I’m looking for an equal partner, had it on my hinge profile, and if he doesn’t want to put in effort I’m not the one for him then. Sometimes he will joke that he didn’t see that on my profile, or he’ll say he’s teasing. Then we just move on. But he still will randomly make the jokes.
I just will never understand how that’s funny or even desirable to not put effort into a relationship. Sure I get wanting to be lazy. But if you don’t want to put effort in, then don’t be in a relationship. Again he puts in the effort all the time, but just jokes about not doing it. Any advice on this? Any suggestions of better ways to approach this since mine doesn’t seem to be working?
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This might be a reach, but I’m getting “gaslighting” vibes from this. He definitely needs to stop making those “jokes” though. They’re unfunny and sounds annoying tbh.. Maybe give him an ultimatum? It seems like you have tried everything to make him stop. At this point he’s just being disrespectful.
I’ve come to find that sometimes when men joke about certain things similar to that, they really just want reassurance or validation. It took me a while to realize my boyfriend was putting himself down “jokingly” so that his insecurities could be addressed but in a way that he didn’t have to feel too vulnerable. I would either try bringing it up during like a nice date night or a calm movie night or something, like “you know I feel really lucky that you put so much effort into our relationship” or ask him directly if he makes those jokes because he feels he might be under appreciated or insecure. If he keeps trying to down play anything keep digging, they give eventually.
I’ve been married a long time; but I have a different perspective.
You say he does put in effort and does treat you well, so it really is just words, not actions. He IS doing the right things.
We joke in a similar manner, but it’s a compliment of sorts.
We have a great relationship. We joke about being high maintenance when we aren’t, at all.
He’s the most easy going guy ever. So when he’s doing something easy, simple, or sweet that I want him to do, I will say “ there you go being difficult again.”
When he asks something and I immediately agree, he smiles and says I’m just so high maintenance. I’m not at all. We both know it.
We joke in this way as an acknowledgment of what we aren’t doing, and as a sort of backwards way of appreciating the other person for being so great.
I’m sorry his words upset you, but I’m wondering if he is perhaps, in his way, saying he appreciates all you do for him? Sometimes being a bit silly is easier than saying “you are great. I appreciate you so much and sometimes I feel you do so much more than I do.”
Tell him the jokes trigger you.
I’m only an 18 year old guy in his first relationship in the middle of an argument with my girlfriend, so I doubt what i’m going to say will be any use but here goes:
I personally make similar kinds of jokes to my girlfriend or whenever we’re talking about our relationship with other people. I say it because I really feel like she’s doing more for me than I am for her, even if she says otherwise. I saw one of the comments to your post mention he might be seeking validation and maybe that’s what i want too.
My girlfriend has also told me she felt uncomfortable when i make these kinds of jokes and i’ve been genuinley trying to stop making them but sometimes it comes out without thinking.
Again i’m not sure if im bringing anything new to the table but I just wanted to offer an alternate perspective on what might be going on.
A relationship should be 60/40, both trying to be the 60
It feels like hes just making the jokes because he knows hes good but i personally thrive a little better on reassurance sometimes
Just let him know you actually do appreciate what he does, and dont do it after a joke, just make it an out of the blue thing youve been thinking about
He probably has low self esteem and some insecurities
There could be a few reasons, but I think the likeliest cause is that he’s insecure about it and wants you to prop him up. I feel like people give you subtle hints about what kind of communication they need in a relationship. Either by putting themselves down or by giving you the type of compliments they want to receive.
How often do you compliment his effort in the relationship? Given that it was on your profile, and he knows it’s something you care about deeply it’s likely something he will need additional affirmation about since it’s subjective, it’s possible that he’s not getting sufficient feedback from you.
Another question, did he do more than 50/50 in previous relationships… if like you he’s used to pulling most of the emotional weight it’s possible he’s doing great, but still feels like he’s giving less than he has in previous relationships, which might cause him to be insecure.
Instead of being made at his jokes. Joke with him. And tell him he’s great. If he’s actually putting in the effort, I’m not sure why your defenses would go up? Either way, he’s a weird guy so you might have to be weird with him
Tell him you appreciate his efforts more often, and that you love him for being him, and that being supportive in the relationship is one of his best qualities.
Unlike women, who [in traditional society] are allowed to be insecure and ask for confirmation, men need to show strenght, can only joke about being not perfect, and never require uplifting words. Your BF was raised in a traditional society, but wants to do better. Tell him he is doing better.
>How can I get him to stop making the jokes?
Have you IDK tried just telling him this???
I think that everyone else in the comments is probably right about him wanting reassurance, but that doesn’t negate the fact that these jokes make u uncomfortable! And if you don’t show pushback to them then they will continue. I believe it is possible to both stand up against his comments and let them know they remind you of your previous relationship, while still giving reassurance when appropriate
Self-deprecating joke gone wrong. It’s ok to do that once in a while or if it’s meant in an ironic way.
Either way, let him know since it bothers you.
You can ask him directly not to make the jokes, but do it in a kind, understanding way. Next time he makes a “joke” like that, you can tell him something like “hey, I know you like to joke about how you don’t put any effort into our relationship, but those jokes are triggering to me. I was in a relationship before where the guy actually didn’t put in effort, and it was not funny. I really love you, and appreciate all the effort you do put in, if you need to ask for reassurance about that fact, maybe there’s something else you can say rather than denying that you do anything in order to get me to refute it.”
I’m always worried that my boyfriend is putting in too much effort, and I express that by saying “are you sure you want to do xyz?” Which was hurtful to him because he felt like I doubted his word/intentions, so he asked me to stop second-guessing him in that manner. I am working on it. He even gave me specific ways to assuage my guilt with realistic actions. He really is too good, but I try to appreciate that fact rather than catastrophize about it.
It’s important to work on communication in a relationship. Just because his intentions are benign or humorous doesn’t mean that your feelings about it are not valid. Hopefully you two can figure out something that works for the both of you.
When you’re worth it. A lot of effort seems like nothing at all
He’s fishing for compliments to reinforce his ego for how good he is. He is aware of how he is satisfying to you, and wants you to praise him for it in a not so subtle jokey kind of way.
“Oh he says this but I’d be lost without him. Don’t believe his lies!” Then look him square in the eye, blow him a kiss and silently say “love you.”
That’s what my wife would do.