I (m29) have a friend (f27) I met at work almost 9 years ago, by the time she joined the office I was really burnt out from that job and wanted to leave, and thinking back I only stayed in there for like a year more than I wanted because we got along so well she made it bearable. I had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend at the time. After I left we kept contact and would hang out with other friends from work every now and then since then to this day.
We both finished our relationships over 5 years ago and haven’t been with anyone else, like I said, we would often hang out with common friends, but during the pandemic we started talking directly more and more instead of on our group chats, we would go a grab a coffee without telling others on christmas or each other’s birthdays (our “excuse” was not telling the others because we should not be having parties/big gatherings because of the pandemic), so I guessed she was confortable going out just the two of us. I started thinking it would be nice if we were more than just friends, but of course there’s the fear that she’s not interested and everything will change no matter how much we try to keep it like nothing happened. I’m specially scared because at times I found myself insisting too much on going out just us when she wanted to see the others so I kind of got mixed signals there, felt like I was being too annoying.
These last months she has being going through my head all day and I have been trying to think a way to do this, but every scenario I think of I get that other voice in my head saying “but what if she’s not into you? but what if it doesn’t work?” and the idea of our friendship falling is so sad, even the way we both are kind of the “leads” of our friends group, if one of us stopped showing up because of the other the whole group would probably just fall apart.
We were supposed to go to a friend’s birthday dinner this Saturday, something came up and it was cancelled but I threw a “hey, if you don’t have any other plans, let’s go have dinner anyways” and she accepted… I really want to talk about this with her that day.
TL;DR: I have feelings for my long time friend but I’m terrified of losing her forever if she’s not interested/we don’t work out if we get together.
Any advice is greatly appreciated!
3 comments
Absolutely go for it. Otherwise you will always wonder.
Yeah, it might not work out. Or it might be amazing
Only you can answer that question, I’m afraid. The friendship WILL change, even if it continues. There’s no option where you tell her and things stay exactly the same. If you do speak to her about it, all you can do is your best to let her express herself without judgement and accept what she has to say. Don’t argue with her. You may be able to keep a friendship, if that’s what you both want.
It’s impossible to say from your note whether or not she may have romantic feelings for you.
>We were supposed to go to a friend’s birthday dinner this Saturday, something came up and it was cancelled but I threw a “hey, if you don’t have any other plans, let’s go have dinner anyways” and she accepted… I really want to talk about this with her that day.
Great, then do that. Seems like a great plan.
Think about it this way: she deserves to be with somebody that is willing to risk losing the friendship, to be with her.
Amazing things in life require amazing risk. If you dont take it, then you’ll never find out.