My (24 M) boyfriend (23 M)feels hurt because he just found out I was hooking up with people after I expressed strong feelings and he expressed them back, and we were texting all day every day, but it was before we became official. He admits that he made incorrect assumptions that my actions meant we were exclusive and that he would have/ should have clarified if he’d had any idea, but he’s also frustrated that I didn’t communicate that I was un-exclusive at the time. He feels like I was intentionally deceiving him since we were constantly texting (including questions about what we did last night, what we’ve been up to, etc) and it seems to him like I was intentionally avoiding talking about hookups because I knew he would be hurt to find that out (it’s his first relationship and he’s fresh out of the closet).
Every relationship I’ve ever been in started under the assumption that we were un-exclusive until that was clarified, but I want to be fair to him.
If we’re talking constantly and expressed strong feelings for each other, was it deceitful of me to avoid ever mentioning hookups when he asked what I’d been up to or clarifying that I was still seeing other people? Does the fact that I knew it was his first relationship make my actions less ok?
I think he’s getting over the initial hurt and surprise, but honestly I’m starting to question my own actions now.
TL;DR: I didn’t communicate that I was un-exclusive before my boyfriend and I became official even though we were talking constantly and affectionately. Was that deceitful?
3 comments
I mean, I think no one is a monster here, he’s probably going by hetero norms (he hasn’t been out long) and isn’t used to just how open our culture usually is about that stuff. I also think not talking about hookups unless explicitly asked is understandable… you don’t want to TMI but you probably should have said something
Not-official yet is a rela concept…as is mutual feelings beginning to grow into something serious.
I think that the blurred lines were a little wide in this specific example.
I wouldn’t want to hurt anyones feelings, so I think you may have realized that other men could possibly hurt him.
You aren’t exclusive until you have the conversation and both agree to be exclusive and officially monogamous. It’s normal to date multiple people until you fall for one in particular and have that conversation and agreement, so I think he is overreacting out of not knowing how this stuff works