I grew up in a very abusive home. One of the abuses I suffered was that I was isolated by my mother. I couldn’t have friends over (if I wanted to) and I couldn’t go to others houses. My mom had us involved in church activities most days of the week and much of the other time I did housework duties or chopping wood with my stepfather. I also had responsibilities that includes taking care of my younger brothers (feeding, bathing, trips to and from daycare and school ). Needless to say I was taken for a brief time from my parents by CAS because I was being allowed a childhood. There was a lot of other things going on, but not a part of this post.
Years later I have borderline personality disorder and I am truly socially impaired.
I know how to be nice. I know how to be honest. I know how to communicate. I know how to coexist with someone without being codependent. What I don’t know how to do is have a friendship and keep it. I often wonder if I am on the autism spectrum because it seems like I just can’t grasp social skills. Knowing I come from a long period of abuse and isolation is a pretty good reason for this lack of skills too.
I always see groups of people who have been friends for years and I crave what they have. Are these groups formed in childhood/school years and that’s why it’s impossible as an adult?? I don’t get along with other women very well. I tend to need space sometimes and people don’t take kind to that. I’ve been in conflicts with friends I’ve had for a decade or more, and instead of talking they ghost me. New friends I make are usually coworkers, and when I’ve had a job or position change they’re just gone. I don’t feel like I can make friends, keep friends or find people who share common interests. My closest friend at the moment focuses her life around trauma and I just don’t want to have those conversations constantly. What am I doing wrong? Where can I start to find solid friendships?
TL;DR: I have little social skills and crave the group friendship experience. Solid friendships don’t seem attainable.
4 comments
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>What I don’t know how to do is have a friendship and keep it.
‘to make a friend, be a friend’
be kind, helpful, attentive and courteous (review each of your actions in this context)
while you’re at it, treat them as you’d like to be treated
I mean trying to find people here that are also looking for friendships… but some people don’t count “online friends” as “real friends”. There’s meetup apps to meet people with similar interests. But I will admit making friends as an adult is harder.
Similar situation. You’re an introvert. Don’t beat yourself up over it. It means you’ll protect yourself from the cruelty of others and only let the right few in. There’s nothing wrong with that. Not being mean, just honest, as far as your friend goes, maybe you should try to put your own needs aside and realize she needs you right now, just like you’re asking Reddit for help. She’s confiding her trauma in you and if you can’t be there for her, maybe you should exit her life because you can’t give her what she needs. Remember to not be one sided. That’s the best place to start with securing the right friends. ❤️