Me (21F) and my boyfriend (20M) have been dating for 11 months now. At first he used to text me a lot, even just to share trivial things about his day and I loved it, I think it was actually one of the things that made me fall in love with him. Then he started getting more distant (this was in September), he barely texted me during the day. I decided not to point out this sudden change in behaviour because I was the first one to not text much, so I thought I had no right to express my concern. Point is, I am not chatty at all and I actually have some difficulty finding good prompts for conversation, but I think he noticed this at the beginning of our relationship and at that point I was pretty sure it wasn’t that much of a problem for him since he never commented on this and he never seemed to take my lack of initiative as a lack of interest. Please note that I still made sure there wasn’t a single day when we weren’t talking and even when he didn’t write me I forced myself to find something to talk about.
Some weeks later he texted me one evening telling me that lately he hadn’t been feeling very good psychologically speaking and he wanted me to know that he could say things he didn’t actually think. He told me not to worry as it was something that happened to him from time to time, and that it was just transitory. I tried to understand a little bit more and he told me that he had this feeling of loss of control, melancholia and void. He also asked me to behave normally, which I tried to do.
Then the semester started and we’re in the same university course: the first few days were really tough, as I felt pushed away by him (not actively, but he truly was really distant) and I guess this made me get more distant too, until he decided to confront me and tell me that he was not okay with our relationship because he didn’t feel an intimate connection, he felt like I wasn’t showing my true self (which was and is partially true, I’m really closed off). He suggested we continued hanging out as friends, but then he realized it was a mistake, we talked it out and everything seemed to go for the better.
I didn’t notice anything weird until February, when he started distancing himself again, and one day he completely broke down telling me he felt like suffocating and didn’t know why he had this feeling when everything in his life was and is perfect. We talked more extensively about it and I finally expressed myself telling him that when he behaves this way I feel rejected and I can’t help but think he doesn’t want to hear from me, which obviously makes me suffer. I understand it’s not his fault, I just told him that I would appreciate if he talked to me more and made me more aware of his thoughts and feelings and he said he would try.
Fast forward to now, he was really distant this week (and we didn’t get to see each other for 10 days because I fell ill and he went back to his parents who live an hour away). When we finally met again I felt something was off and was sure he was feeling really bad. He also told me that he couldn’t sleep much these days and that lately he’s feeling more disgusted by food, which only supported my theory, or so I thought. So I asked him how he was and he told me he’s pretty fine and asked me why I was asking him, to which I responded that I felt him getting more distant (this is the first time I’ve managed to tell him). He answered with a weird sentence which didn’t truly make sense, but it was something about him getting not enough sleep, not having seen me for a long time and missing me (which to be honest confused me even more) and he also said that he didn’t want to disturb me since I had a traineeship with my university which occupied 5 hours of my day for a week (I don’t think this makes much sense either). He told me he was sorry he had to talk to me about this topic because he doesn’t want to make me worry or suffer. He then added something along the lines of “I haven’t been feeling that bad maybe, but you know, you try to fill your day with trivial things to distract yourself, but that isn’t a solution”. And he said that staying with his family for a week probably helped him. Now I don’t know what to think. Should I speak to him again? I don’t want to pour salt into a wound, but this situation hurts me, because it feels like I’m the only one he doesn’t want to speak to, and I don’t understand why. He continues hanging out with his best friend, he saw a high school female friend and he also contacted another friend and proposed to help him studying, so why can’t I be his distraction too?
I’m sorry for the long post, but I don’t know how else to give you a complete picture.
TL, DR: my boyfriend has depression and it affects his presence in our relationship (which I understand), but he’s still present with friends, so it feels like he doesn’t want to talk to me only
2 comments
>he decided to confront me and tell me that he was not okay with our relationship because he didn’t feel an intimate connection, he felt like I wasn’t showing my true self (which was and is partially true, I’m really closed off)
I think the problem is most likely something to do with this. If he doesn’t feel close enough to you because you can’t open up to him, from his point of view, he’s probably wondering: what is he doing with you at all?
>He told me he was sorry he had to talk to me about this topic because he doesn’t want to make me worry or suffer.
Yeah. That’s kind of what I’m getting at. Talking about your mental health to your partner shouldn’t be something you’re afraid to do, you should both be honest and open with each other. If neither of you is willing to do this, then why bother at all? If it’s because you can’t handle the truth of what he’s telling you, then perhaps it’s not a good idea to be in a relationship at all.
Seems like he simply isn’t available for the kind of relationship you want and you should move on.