What do you guys think healthy masculinity looks like? Healthy masculine traits? There’s been a lot of talk about “toxic” masculinity but not much about what healthy masculinity is. I think a lot of men are completely rejecting their masculinity because of the confusion around this. I’m hoping to hear from mostly women but feel free to jump in bois if you think you got this figured out. Let’s talk about it
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Initiating, giving, cherishing, nurturing, protecting, competitive, sharing thoughts and opinions, career drive and passion, logic, intuition… Highly recommend Dr. Pat Allen’s book “Getting to I Do” about the ying and yang of femininity and masculinity in romantic relationships.
Im probably gonna get hate for this, but why not. Just being a guy you already are a “toxic masculine” person. People have told me this, didn’t even have a clue what it was until recently. The whole “masculine” thing is all shit. Whether it is “toxic” or “good masculinity”. Just be happy and frik everyone who things otherwise.
Not being afraid to express emotions, vulnerability, compassion, openness to change or self reflection
Man here.
For me, masculinity is more like an aesthetic, and less about how I behave. I take especial care of my beard, I work out so I can have broad shoulders and strong arms, and I wear plain button-downs that allow me to look neat and highlight my physical appearance (that I’ve been working hard on!).
The “masculine” behaviors are actually things that I find attractive in women. I love boldness, drive, intellectual curiosity, and perseverance. These are traits which I strive to cultivate in myself because I find them valuable, so it seems weird for me to not value in prospective partners what I value in myself. There’s nothing about those behaviors which make them “intrinsically male”, and I’ve met numerous lovely women who possess those qualities in spades. And I LOVE dorky girls – girls with stereotypically “male” hobbies like DND, Magic: the Gathering, Star Wars/Star Trek, etc. are far more attractive to me because of common interests.
Correspondingly, “feminine” behaviors like vulnerability, emotional expressivity, and self-reflection have really helped me. I don’t feel like I’m “less than” because a song or poem makes me want to cry, or because I feel like I’ve got to talk to a friend about a problem I’m having. Being in touch with my “feminine” side actually makes me feel more human, and allows me to be a better man than I otherwise would be! Again there is nothing “intrinsically womanly” about being nurturing, warm, and vulnerable.
I’m not familiar with who coined the term “toxic masculinity” and what they meant precisely by it, but for me toxic masculinity is just all those positive behaviors I mentioned earlier cranked up to an abrasive level yet given a pass by a society based around patriarchal norms. Instead of bold, one is reckless or insensitive; instead of driven, one is self-obsessed; instead of intellectually curious, one is an insufferable know-it-all; and instead of perseverant, one is pig-headed.
Self-reliance is the purest expression of masculinity. Across all facets of a man’s life. Not quick to anger, clearly states desires, doesn’t fear rejection, takes care of those around them, handles his own business, and can be vulnerable when appropriate.
Some ideas behind healthy masculinity:
Protection, safety(more kinds than one), strength of character, respect(both giving and earning it), inspiration, compassion, empathy, leadership, courage.
Not saying these are limited to a gender, but if you’re looking for an ideal to live upto, these are some traits you can try to emulate in your life.
I don’t believe masculinity is toxic. I think people who try to demonize an entire gender are toxic. Classic masculinity is a positive. Self reliant, aggressive, strong/tough, stoic, protective, capable and prepared are characteristics I have always valued and seem to be well received in my life by both women and other men.
Some of these characteristics don’t make you enjoyable to be around all the time, but they’re characteristics that will help you be successful in life. They are characteristics that a caring father and mother would hope to instill in their own son (and daughter), because they will want what is best for him, not the rest of the world.
Women are often instructed to be independent, strong, aggressive, etc. I think that’s great, and I also think this same advice is appropriate for men.
The characteristic of stoicism may be a bit more debatable, but there’s no question in my mind that a stoic man is received much better in the real world than an emotional man, and I do not believe that emotional men fair better in any way. Some might argue that a man that lets himself be vulnerable or otherwise express his emotions is better off mentally. I don’t buy that for a second. The emotional men I know seem to be the worst off, struggling with difficulties in life that most of us easily push through without a fraction of the mental health impacts.
Not worrying about masculinity as a concept, at all, is the best way to keep it healthy. The biggest problem with masculinity is the way it sends folks into a spiral, and they end up making such a mess of it that it hits other people with collateral damage.
Just don’t worry about it. At all. Be you as a person, not a member of a gender club. You might suddenly find yourself being very masculine and healthy about it, because you weren’t so focused on it.
I think we have, as a culture, moved toward a new lexicon:
what used to be ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ is now “authentic to themself”
Example: Old way: “He’s so burly, manly, lumberjackish, etc”
New way: “He’s so positive and true to himself”
People don’t want to draw lines between men and women anymore. So to be properly masculine, you just have to be yourself. If you want to be strong, lift weights. If you want to be a good surfer, go surfing. Don’t do masculine stuff you dont like just to show you are manly. That would be toxic.
I personally think we should remove the lens from masculinity and femininity to be able to understand the HUMANITY that we all genuinely look for in both parties.
Humanity is the ability to prioritize love over all things. And when i say love i don’t mean relationship type love, i mean love as in empathy, respect, kindness, selflessness, morality, basically to have a heart to be able to take care of one another and yourself as well. To love others as you love yourself and to love yourself as you love others.
Humanity is simple, and we all have somewhat of a good idea of what a good human being looks like, so just add that to your life and there ya go. Not sure if that helped but i do hope it made sense.
In conclusion, just don’t do shit you wouldn’t want others doing to yo ass😅
Aight, that’s it for me, have a good one humans❤️
Authenticity, self assurance, direction, self trust.
I think men rejecting their masculinity is bad, but at the same time men need to understand what being masculine is. Being a protector, being mentally fit, understanding your role as a man in society and upholding those values.
Being masculine means being the one that never loses hope, that always strives for better even though also being aware of the hard times that are ahead. Being a presence that is to be respected even if you dont know his achievements. Someone compasionate who himself has been deeply introspective about himself that has gone in the deep mentally and has come back to tell the story and help the ones that seek to improve. A leader that realises that he is a small part of a bigger vision helping others because he has been in their position because he understands their struggles.
Even when its though for him he wont give up because its against his nature and beliefs. Eventhough that he will still talk openly about what he is going through because he is not trying to hide something from his acquiantance because he also has nothing to hide from himself.
As his mind is strong his body is aswell. He doesnt have the face of a model or the inteligance of some people, but that doesnt discourage him, it ignites him because he knows he has the potential he knows he has the mental durabilty and he knows he will not give up
This, to me, encapsulates IRL how you treat others and one I abide by.
James F. Clarke, True Manliness:
A false notion of manliness leads boys astray. True manliness is humane. It says, “we who are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak.”
It’s work is to protect those who cannot defend themselves; to stand between the tyrant and the slave, the oppressor and his victim. It is identical in all times with the spirit of chivalry which led the good knights to wander in search of robbers, giants, and tyrannical lords.
Those who oppressed the poor and robbed helpless woman and orphans of their rights. There are no tyrant barons now, but the spirit of tyranny and cruelty is still to be found. The good knight today is he who provides help for the blind, the deaf and dumb, and the insane. Who defends animals from being cruelly treated, rescues little children from bad usage, and seeks to give working woman their rights. He protects all these sufferers from that false manliness which is brutal to weak.
The true knights today are those who organize to prevent cruelty or to enforce laws against those who for a little gain make men drunkards. The giants and dragons today are those cruelties and brutalities which use their power to ill-treat those who are at their mercy.
True manliness is tender and loving.
False manliness, cold and hard, cynical and contemptuous.
The bravest and most heroic souls are usually the most loving. Garibaldi, Kossuth, Mazzini, the heroes of our times; Luther, who never feared the face of man; Gustavus-Adolphus and William of Orange, are examples of this union of courage and tenderness. Bold as lions in the defense of the right, such man in their homes and their private life have a womanly gentleness.
False manliness is unfeeling, with no kindly sympathies, rude and rough and overbearing. True manliness is temperate; it is moderate. It exercises self-control. It is capable of self-denials and renunciation.
False manliness is self-willed and self indulgent.
There’s no such thing as ‘toxic masculinity’, it’s just a fake term created by people who are straight up sexist towards men. Just do you bro.
Self-awareness. Everything else comes along.
Reading all these comments, it’s mind blowing how no one understands what defines Masculinity. No wonder reddit is out of touch with reality.
Lol the usage of masculinity and femininity is abusive in todays world of content and social standards. People use these terms too literal and too black and white where feelings and logic are different categories debates are battled through. People need to focus on communication with efficiency and credibility and accountability not masculinity. Remember the day chromosomes? Both genders start as the same gender, so in reality men and women can be both masculine and feminine. It’s all about understanding that balance is not a constant state of mind but a format of normal conditions. You have to learn the good and the bad to understand the voice you are championing
Any positive masculine trait stated is going to lead to the angry assumption that you’re saying women arn’t those things.
To me masculinity is something you earn.
“Masculinity” is best defined as those traits that women select men to breed by.
Thats the only answer that counts, really. If they weren’t valuable, and selected by women, they wouldn’t exist today via evolution.
So think height, strength, confidence, aggression, ability to provide resources, give you babies and protect you.
“Society” might be trying to get you to value other things, but that monkey brain drives primal attraction, no matter whatever the latest social trend is.