I recently married my longtime partner in a small ceremony with each set of parents and siblings as our guests. I (30F) will refer to my sister (28F) as Annie.
I asked Annie to be our officiant and explained to her how meaningful it would be to me and my partner to have her officiate our ceremony, and she did a lovely job on the day of. Privately, I also thought giving her a significant role would help her feel more included, as she’s expressed insecurities about being a third wheel in her friend groups over the years.
The day after the wedding, my sister asks me and my partner, “Hey, do you guys think you could not hold hands around me? Since I’m the only single person here it makes me feel really insecure.”
I felt my face get hot & agitated – I just stared ahead while trying to process how to respond. I replied in a low voice with something like, “..we’re not making out,” but then my partner and I did let go of each other’s hands, it felt weird all of a sudden. This interaction was witnessed by several family members.
Later on when Annie wasn’t at the table, my mother-in-law asked if everything was ok and my mom explained, “I think Annie is just feeling a little bereft. Weddings can do that to people and Annie has big feelings. Yesterday reminded her that things are changing and that can be a little startling.” My in-laws were very understanding, but I was embarrassed and annoyed. Annie had a lot of tantrums as a kid and this felt just like a crappy repeat of one from 20 years ago. The rest of the day moved on – I didn’t intentionally give Annie the cold shoulder, but I was trying to keep interactions to a minimum and be cordial because I was still upset with her. I didn’t want to cause tension in the group or ruin the last full day of the trip. I found out later that my partner apologized to Annie that day – he said he was sorry that the trip brought up feelings of insecurity for her and she told him that she was jealous of how close we were.
For some background, Annie has always been an emotional person, but that’s not a bad quality. She’s dedicated, compassionate, & friendly, but can also be direct, impolite, & overly analytical. As kids, I would intentionally cheat at board games in her favor because she was a terrible loser. If we shared a treat, Annie typically chose which half she wanted because she sulked too much otherwise. My parents often encouraged me to let her have her way to keep the peace. She’s grown a lot, but still has some infuriatingly immature tendencies that make it feel like we’re 9 & 12 again. I know I’ve got my own areas that need work, but I really thought I was done having to placate her now that we’re adults. It’s ridiculous to ask newlyweds to stop holding hands. I think her comment dredged up all these previous major and micro memories of having to put her feelings/needs first.
I want Annie to understand how rude her request was and I’d like to ask her how she would feel if I had asked her and her spouse the same question. But mostly, I genuinely just want to figure out how to have a good relationship as adults. What can I do to make things easier for her without falling into our old childhood habits? I welcome outside perspectives on how to talk to her about what happened—thank you for reading.
TLDR: My sister asked me and my newlywed spouse to stop holding hands because it made her feel insecure. I got mad and now things are tense between us and I don’t know how to improve our relationship until I can get some old frustrations off my chest.
6 comments
Unfortunately you already fell back into childhood habits. I don’t think having a talk with her about her request is necessary, yes it was a ridiculous thing to ask, but you obliged!
This is the root of the problem, your sister is going to act how she acts and feel how she feels but you only have control over how you respond to her.
From now on, say no. It’s that simple. It probably won’t be easy for you as you and your family have placated her her whole life, but you have to not give in when you don’t want to and if she gets emotional or throws a fit or whatever, you ignore and/or don’t engage.
So imo TRUE communication begins with listening. I think I would invite her to spend some time together one on one in a comfortable and neutral space and open up to her that you want to have a close, healthy sister relationship because you love her and you like how compassionate and loyal she can be. And then with that to set the context – remember to keep “I want to have a good relationship with you” as the framing for the whole conversation – invite her to reciprocate. Ask her to tell you how she feels about your relationship as sisters and what makes her feel safe, what makes her feel left out, and why, and then, and this is hard, you have to LISTEN. People are much more inclined to listen if they feel listened to first. And that can be hard when, from your point of view, she is the one who needs to do the work of growing up. And that’s very true. But is your goal to make her understand that you’re *right*, or is your goal to get to a place of better understanding?
So just start with listening and inviting vulnerability from her in a non-judgmental way. Then she will be more likely to be receptive to you when you say “Thanks for sharing that with me, can I tell you how I feel?” And then you talk about how that handholding request made you feel, for example. “When you asked us to stop holding hands the day after our wedding, it made me feel really upset and sad because I wanted to be able to be loving and expressive with my partner when we had just had our wedding ceremony and it was a special time to feel happy and in love. When you asked us to stop holding hands, it made me feel like I have to hide my happiness around you. I want to be able to share that with you without feeling guilty.” Or something like that.
You might also consider family therapy? It’s not just for couples in romantic relationships. She might feel better if there’s a neutral third person there. Up to you, since you know her best.
Obviously Annie is feeling self conscious about being single now that her sister is married and she’s getting older- but it was unreasonable to ask that you stop holding hands, especially when others could overhear her. You should talk to her and say that you understand she’s feeling left out and upset about being single, but she needs to learn to adjust to being around couples and you’re not going to stop displaying affection to your husband. Holding hands is minor and she needs to get used to it.
If you come at th conversation by telling her that she needs to change then your probably going to damage you relationship rather than improve it. You need to create a space where you give her the opportunity to express that she’s feeling x and needs y from you. So that you can work on how to adjust your own behaviors within reason and then you the have the space to explain how you feel and ask for adjustments made to make you more comfortable. Relationships are give and take. I would not bring your partner to any discussions as it sounds like part of her issue is lack of attention/quality time from you.
It’s not uncommon for people to fall back into old habits and roles when all together again. Annie is accustomed to making requests (demands?) of how everyone behaves, you’re accustomed to complying, and everyone else acts like this is normal and good because “peace” is maintained. It’s not a great pattern, and isn’t sustainable. At what point do you get to just live your life? When you have a kid do you have to hide your excitement (or the child?) so as not to upset her? That’s ridiculous.
Do you think she would be open to a conversation (privately, not in the moment where there’s people in the next room) where you tell her “I love you and want to be respectful of your comfort level, but I love my husband and don’t think we should have to refrain from tame PDA like holding hands. Can we figure out a way to be able to hang out as a group without having to sit 3 feet apart?”
If not, then I think you need to focus on ways to adjust your behavior because you can’t change or control anyone else. Without being confrontational, I think it’s fine to just…not comply with her requests. She’s in charge of herself and has a responsibility to manage herself and figure out how to exist in a world where she might have to witness people being happy.
You can suggest therapy for Annie, that’s about it. Her insecurities aren’t your problem nor anyone else’s & she’s going back to her old entitled bully tactics. Either she grows up & gets counseling, or you go low/no contact, unfortunately there’s no in-between with people like her.