For our entire 3 yr relationship, my GF has always been in significant credit card debt. Not a little here and there, I’m talking bare minimum 4-10k at all times. She has no understanding of what it means to live within her means.
The other night we went out to dinner for HER friend, I didn’t want to go. She forgot her wallet so I said I’d cover and she can pay me back. We ended up wracking up a $100 bill (!!!!) because she wanted 2 alcoholic drinks, dessert, etc. Meanwhile I only get water, cheap entree, etc…
I asked for the money and she started crying because it’s unfair she ‘treats’ me all the time and I don’t because I was asking for her to pay me back. My credit card is wracked up right now due to a vet bill for my cat and I explained this is my financial boundary…
Am I being unreasonable setting a boundary even though she’s my GF?
TLDR; GF has no idea how to live within her means and is consistently always in 4-10k worth of credit card debt. She got upset when I asked for her to pay $65 towards our $100 dinner bill (her portion) because I am at my max for the month. Am I being unreasonable?
10 comments
Does she usually pay when you go out for dinner? If she is usually the one paying for nights out, then it would be unfair for you to ask her to pay for this.
If you usually split nights out pretty evenly then it is not unreasonable for you to ask her for her portion.
You have to communicate very clearly with your partner. You have to come to an agreement. Help her see she is being irresponsible with her spending, and let her know you care for her but you do need to stay financially responsible.
Communicate!!!
You should have some serious talks about the finances. Are you living together? It’s harder to achieve certain relationship goals if debts are chasing you. What’s her plan to deal with it? Cos it sounds like it just means now that instead of her credit card, she pulls out yours. Maybe put some protection your credit.
Make clear that you’re not taking on her debts and she has to deal with hers before you can ‘move’ to the next level of commitments. She should at least have some strategy worked out. And it’s things on different levels when it’s about living within means that are impacted, so it’s a lot of dislike involved.
You said you’d cover and she could pay you back. She always owed you for this meal.
This isn’t really a boundary, it’s an agreement she made. You didn’t offer to treat her. You two made an agreement where she’d pay you back. You’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t take debts seriously. Not to the banks and credit card companies, and not to you.
You’re not being unreasonable, but you’re dodging the real issue here. It’s not $65.
Nta- stop spending money on her.
You need to have a larger conversation about her spending habits and how that impacts your relationship- if she always wants to spend and you’d rather save, then there’s going to be friction all the time since she wants to go out/ get expensive drinks etc, and you don’t. It was a dinner for her friend that you didn’t want to go to, so she should have offered to pay or at least paid you back her share.
>and I explained this is my financial boundary…
Had you talked about this prior to this dinner? Or did you explain this boundary after the bill arrived?
>For our entire 3 yr relationship, my GF has always been in significant credit card debt. Not a little here and there, I’m talking bare minimum 4-10k at all times. She has no understanding of what it means to live within her means.
Why did you continue dating her when you knew she was selfish and irresponsible ?
>I’ve been the one paying for the majority of our food. Just THIS month I’ve already spent $700 on food for us (not including that $100 dinner). The thing is the one time I set a boundary and ask her to pay me back, she acts like I never pay for anything. But I think it’s because stress/reality hits her of all the poor decisions she’s made because she’s in 10k CC debt with nothing to show for it. I love her but she buys a lot of unnecessary things.
Welcome to the rest of your life if you stay with her.
She has shown you clearly who she is. People who are impulsive, reckless and entitled with money very rarely change. And if they do, it’s because the gravy train shuts down. If you think boundaries are going to make her more responsible, you’re in for a rude awakening. She thinks she’s *entitled* to spend above her means and bankrupt you in the process. That level of selfishness is extremely unlikely to change.
Accept her reckless spending as the price of admission, or bounce. Your choice.
Would it be better if you just told her that she owes you dinner / a night out instead of actual cash?
Your gf is angry at you for not paying for her dinner with her friend. Buying expensive things didn’t bother her because she fully expected that you would pay for it. She doesn’t see financial responsibility as a “team sport” where you work together, she sees it as an adversarial one where it’s her against you. She sees your money as her money, and her money as her money. This isn’t going to change either. Don’t marry or mix finances in any way, at the least. If you’re looking for a wife, you should move on. If you just want to have fun, draw clear boundaries. You aren’t her ATM.