*Trigger warning: This post has subject matter that could be triggering to sexual assault survivors.*
I (31F) have been hooking up with a FWB (29M) for several months. We sleep together on a weekly basis and have a pretty good relationship with one another (open communication, respectful, great conversation, etc). We’re both pretty open to rough sex which involves dirty talk, hands around my neck, spanking, and recently some face slapping. I am 100% into all these things and I don’t feel bad doing them. In fact, I think I’ve sort of initiated it between us and we both really enjoy our chemistry together.
Last night, we grabbed dinner and he invited me out to a party with his friends. He came over while I thought about it – I had to wake up early so I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go out. We started having sex, it was relatively intense but not necessarily rough and at one point he unexpectedly slapped me hard enough to make my ear start ringing. I think he was aiming for my face and accidentally hit my ear. I immediately started crying because it was unexpected and he apologized and said that he didn’t have a good grasp of how hard he had hit me.
Here’s where I’m a bit conflicted about the way it was handled – I think that if I was in his shoes, I’d be apologizing profusely. He *was* apologetic but his demeanor felt very calm to me. I sort of retreated and told him that I didn’t know what to say because I was in shock. I climbed under the covers and sat there silently and he asked several times if there was something I wanted to talk about and I told him it felt triggering. He apologized again and tried to kiss me, which I wasn’t in the mood for. Eventually, after some sort of awkward back and forth conversation he got up to go to his party – which was initially the plan in the first place. What bummed me out is that he never texted me through the night.
Would appreciate some feedback about this situation. Is the best thing to do, to have a conversation about boundaries moving forward and move on? Is it concerning that he never followed up after leaving? Was I being childish for retreating under the covers and not engaging the conversation?
35 comments
He doesn’t respect you. Never had never will. You’re just a sex toy to him.
He hit you hard enough to make you cry. That’s not okay, and he should be extremely remorseful. That fact that he isn’t indicates to me that he doesn’t respect you, and in my experience it will happen again. You deserve better.
Dom/Sub play isn’t really something you should be doing with someone you don’t implicitly trust and who isn’t keenly aware of your boundaries.
I’m sorry that happened to you.
Looking at it charitably (for him), he did apologize, and you tried to convey how you felt by climbing under the covers and being silent. Understandable in the circumstances but it’s not the clearest of communication. It also, from an outside perspective, makes it seem like you REALLY don’t want to talk to the other person so I’m not sure my first instinct would be to text you that night. It’s also confusing as a response because you both want him to talk to you (apologize via text), but also not talk to you (pulling the covers up etc, sat silently when he asked if you wanted to talk). It’s a somewhat impossible ask of someone to know EXACTLY when you want them to talk if they’re not mindreaders.
I’m not into rough stuff so I’m not 100% sure about what is kosher but it seems clear that you don’t believe it was anything more than an accident – which realistically, can happen if you’re slapping people in the face and miss the face part, I would think – so I’m not sure what boundary this violates. Unless you think he did it on purpose?
I’m not sure whether the lack of follow-up text is good or bad… it’s def not the reaction you’d want from a partner, but he isn’t one. If it makes you feel bad about the situation and you want a FWB who is more caring/more friend than benefit, then maybe that’s your answer.
First, you were not childish for how you reacted. You had a survival response of what sounds like freeze, which is normal and protective when your bodily safety felt threatened.
As to how he responded… I don’t know if he was being cold or just didn’t know what to do or felt ashamed and thought it was best to retreat. The best thing you can do is talk to him about it (if you feel safe enough to) and say what you would have liked to happen in that moment and how you’d like things to go moving forward and see how he responds. Ideally, I know if it was be I’d like it to be apologetic, sympathetic and moving forward while treading very carefully and using a lot of consent… more checking in than usual until you feel safe and at ease again.
I’d say if he isn’t kind and sympathetic about it or you just don’t feel comfortable anymore, perhaps consider if this is a situation you want to stay in.
He’s not much of a friend to leave you when you’re upset.
It depends if you can move forward from this incident. Do you want to?
It does sound like it was not intentional bc you’d done it before.
He was testing boundaries. He hit you hard enough to make you cry and then left for a party. He did not check on you because he did not care. If it really was an accident, he would have skipped the party to stay with you to make sure you were ok.
I think that miscalculating how hard you hit someone during hard sex is common, but in my experience when that happened I was super apologetic, and would have never considered leaving the girl alone after that happened. And it wasn´t nearly as intense as your situation (no crying involved).
So, from my perspective he is at fault, and at a dangerous one.
I think most people would agree that you should maybe back away from this relationship.
Just cause he was calm about apologizing, doesn’t mean he wasn’t sorry. He also repeatedly asked you if you wanted to talk about it, which, from what I can tell, you did not. If that was me, and I apologized multiple times, asked you to talk about it, which you weren’t that receptive to, I’d step back and give you space. Honestly, it seems like it’s on you to reach out here. So msg him and tell him you want to talk about it, then figure out how to handle situations like this in the future. I mean, I get that you’re upset, but when you get into slapping and choking, sometimes you might get slapped and choked too hard. Perhaps tell him you’d prefer to start of very light, then you tell him if you want it harder.
Two things stand out to me.
> he didn’t have a good grasp of how hard he had hit me.
He should not be topping/domming if he’s not constantly aware of both his actions and your reactions.
>He apologized again and tried to kiss me
Sounds like he was trying to reinitiate sex
Him being that oblivious goes past disrespectful and into dangerous.
Most of theses post seems to be from people who are not into this sort of thing which is fine. I’m just having a hard time seeing where you feel her wronged you. He did something to you that you are both into which again is great. He may have did it too hard by either not realizing his strength or going with the flow in the moment neither are ideal but accidents do happen. When you told him it was to much he stopped to talk to you to see what he can do to correct the situation. After which he carried out exactly what was planned before the situation occurred. I’m sorry but I’m failing to see the wrong in the situation. I’m either missing something or there was more to it that you’re not sharing which is again fine but hard to make an accurate assessment without. I’m sure it’s despite the fact that you enjoy it you’re shaken that he can turn it from fun to a problem so quickly. Which in my opinion is what safe words are for. Things can turn quickly into unwanted actions. My suggestion is going forward to clearly communicate your limits and let him know they are hard non negotiable limits and if you decide not to continue with him then do so with future partners and always keep a safe word for all parties involved. Sorry for such a long post
Just like I tell my kids. If you play rough, somebody is bound to get hurt sometime. He probably felt bad about what happened. It’s probably awkward to him and not sure what to do about it either. Anyway, reach out to him and ask him if he is okay.
Speaking up and communicating with your partner may be the best way to go about it.
You are not being childish. Its ok to have those feelings. Ok to have wanted follow up.
I think given the signals you gave, I would assume he was confused how to handle it. Even then, he could have had good intentions to give you space, but still probably should have followed up. It’s up to you if the miscommunication afterwards is deal breaking. I would feel similar after such an event as well.
If you decide to move forward, an intentional discussion about boundaries and expectations for aftercare should be discussed. Really any degree of force should be discussed and consented to before it happens. You should be able to feel safe.
I hope you are not taking it too hard on yourself. It is ok to feel bad about it. This doesn’t change your value or dignity as a person.
I’m a man in my 30s who’s long been into kink and had his share of bad times doing it. I’ve actually both hit my partner and been hit myself in the ear accidentally during sex, it’s awful and I’m sorry that happened to you. Here’s my perspective.
It doesn’t sound like either of you are experienced enough to have a healthy kinky relationship right now. Mistakes will happen in the future—with him or someone else—and both of you need to be able to clearly address the problem and solution. He fucked up: he should not have sprung the hard stuff on you without a warmup or warning. He apologized, perhaps not to your liking or not sincerely enough, but either you never told him what you need or he doesn’t care. Both are insufficient. You need to discuss that.
I have been on the receiving end of a non- or poorly responsive partner when I was younger and thought what else is there to do but get up and do something else? It’s not the right mindset in this circumstance, he should not have left until he knew you would be OK on your own, even if you couldn’t discuss it at that time, and he should not be engaging in kink if this is his attitude.
It’s also your responsibility to let him know you’re OK or not. It’s fine to take time to gather yourself, but if you can’t communicate how you feel, even with something as simple as “I’m not OK right now”, you should not be engaging in kink, full stop. You need safe words, gestures, and specific after care. If you can’t advocate for your needs you’re opening yourself up to abuse. If you communicate that you don’t feel OK in a scene or during otherwise kinky play and he doesn’t respect it or care for you appropriately as discussed, *immediately* end it and stop seeing him.
Leaving without saying “we will have to discuss this later at X time” was also the wrong move for both of you. Tensions understandably can be too high for discussion in the present moment, but you need to be clear that this is an issue that needs addressing instead of it just… going on the back burner.
In my experience, kink requires more respect and maturity from both partners, and you two need to foster that if you want to continue.
He did something that was within the boundaries you set he just either accidentally hit too hard or in the wrong place. Of course he should be told that was too much and not to do it again but he didn’t intentionally cross any boundaries or do anything wrong. He apologized and tried to talk about it but you wouldn’t engage so what did you expect him to do? He respected your very clear physical and verbal indications that you didn’t want to talk or be touched by him. I think he left the ball in your court to talk about it when you are ready because it does need to be discussed.
If what he did doesn’t line up with what you would like to happen in situations like that then communicate what you want. If you engage in rough sex involving pain it is very very likely that at some point you will run into boundaries (too hard, too painful, etc). It’s nobody’s fault, he can’t predict what is too little, too much, or just perfect. Unfortunately that is discovered by trial and error. It can also change, things like where you are on your menstrual cycle can affect pain tolerance/perception. What feels great one day might hurt too much the next sometimes for no apparent or predictable reason. That’s why clear communication and clear expectations for what to do when things go wrong is super important.
Yea talk it over is all you can do.
Dude made an oops. The two of you do this kind of thing regularly and this time it didn’t work for you. Dude was apologetic and you’re minimizing it. Stop that
You were hurt and retreating. Not the best, but in an emotionally charged situation most of us are not at our best. You are perfectly ok to react the way you did. Best thing going forward? Have the conversation, and work through it.
Talk to him, and find out what he was thinking. I have been accused of being uncaring, and cold in tense situations.
Fight, flight, fawn, and freeze.
I freeze, and then fawn. (Thank you for that people pleasing tendencies.)
It takes me a bit to process, and then I can decide on fight or flight sometimes.
Best of luck!
I mean he apologized. Was you wanting him to fall over himself apologizing or something? I’ve been with girls that like it rough to a point. (We talked about it first). Slapping was some of it and I to in the heat of the moment had misplaced slaps. Sex immediately stopped because that’s wat you do and I would apologize but nobody thought that much of it. I guess I’m confused
i dont understand violent sex being exactly fun, ive had numerous partners ask me to choke them during sex, usually i try to ploitely decline. LOL
That guy is a douche…and you should start to distance yourself from him cuz it’s prob just the beginning. Good luck
Well either he feels extremely guilty or he’s a sociopath.
>We’re both pretty open to rough sex which involves dirty talk, hands around my neck, spanking, and recently some face slapping. I am 100% into all these things and I don’t feel bad doing them. In fact, I think I’ve sort of initiated it between us and we both really enjoy our chemistry together.
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>We started having sex, it was relatively intense but not necessarily rough and at one point he unexpectedly slapped me hard enough to make my ear start ringing. I think he was aiming for my face and accidentally hit my ear. I immediately started crying because it was unexpected and he apologized and said that he didn’t have a good grasp of how hard he had hit me.
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>Here’s where I’m a bit conflicted about the way it was handled – I think that if I was in his shoes, I’d be apologizing profusely. He was apologetic but his demeanor felt very calm to me. I sort of retreated and told him that I didn’t know what to say because I was in shock. I climbed under the covers and sat there silently and he asked several times if there was something I wanted to talk about and I told him it felt triggering. He apologized again and tried to kiss me, which I wasn’t in the mood for.
Full disclosure that I have not ever been involved in this kind of sex, but just based on what you wrote, I don’t see what he did “wrong.” You guys usually have rough sex, he accidentally slapped you in the wrong spot, he repeatedly asked you if you were ok and if you wanted to talk when you unexpectedly cried and crawled under the covers, and you refused to explain to him what he did “wrong”. Just because he didn’t behave the way you wanted him to doesn’t mean he wasn’t apologetic. And if anything, if I were in his shoes, I’d be baffled by your reaction and behavior.
I’m guessing he saw his apology as for the pain and not for the fear. You might be right. There might be more to it. He may just not have realized how frightening it was. It was more intense than usual, he tried to slap you more intensly, he missed. He might just be clumsy and clueless
I would get honest with yourself about the rough nature of the sex you’re having and if it is from a place of agency and willingness or if it may be some form of reenacting of a past traumatic experience. The reaction you had is completely valid and sounds like you were in pain not only from the physical aspect of the slap but by him not adequately meeting a need for nurturance and checking in with you later that night. Talk with him in an honest and open way about how you felt and what you need moving forward in order to feel honored and safe. Get honest with yourself first and the conversation with him will be easier. Sexual freedom is only predicated on safety, trust and explicit boundaries. Good luck!
Unexpectedly slapped? Do ya usually announce a slap is about to happen? Idk, I’m not quite understanding how some ppl are upset he unexpectedly slapped you during ROUGH sex. He did apologize. However, if I was in his situation I would have stayed with you and not gone to that party.
BDSM requires lots of communication including what activities you both want to engage in, limits, safe words, and AFTERCARE, including what needs to happen if something goes wrong.
Basically, this was a situation in which you would have used a safeword (I like green, yellow, and red) and then he would know how to respond because it would have been discussed.
He literally didn’t know what to do and you didn’t know what you needed. Take this experience and use it to figure out what you need from your partner when something goes wrong, then discuss that beforehand so they can give you what you need.
You initiate rough sex & slapping regularly, then cry when it happens? God I feel sorry for men sometimes, they just can’t win 🙄
Ive been in this exact position only as the guy. It was the first night my ex and I had sex. The lights were off, she asked me to choke her and slap her, I hit her ear because I couldnt see her face. She also started crying. I felt terrible about what I had done, especially as a man whos suffered abuse myself. But I stayed calm, hugged her, kissed her and let her know I was terribly sorry. I thought she would kick me out but we talked until she felt better. Men dont react to shock the same way as women. It doesnt make our regret less authentic. We just process things differently. His staying calm probably wasnt because he doesnt care, rather because he does. The reason I stayed calm despite fighting back tears was that I felt I needed to be a stable presence at that moment for her. At that moment she needed me to be strong and hold her not to become a hysterical mess as I otherwise would have been.
As for moving forward with him. That ball is in your court not his. You have willingly consented to kinky sex. Mistakes will happen from time to time. Slapping, spanking and choking hurt, thats the point of them. But a good man never intends to hurt a woman so much that theres no longer any pleasure from it as well. Unless there is something you arent telling, theres no reason to put blame on anyone here. Its a risk you take whenever you engage in any form of kink or bdsm. Maybe post this on one of the bdsm or kink reddits. You can probably get advice on how to move forward and enjoy your kinks in a safer manner and environment. My only real advice is keep the lights on if you dont already. That way he can see if you are enjoying yourself. It makes it easier for him to know when to stop. And it makes slapping a face in the right place far easier.
I hope you two work it out.
What did you expect him to text you after you repeatedly told him you didn’t want to talk? He did what I’d have done which is give you space. If you’re good now, then reach out and talk to this guy.
I don’t think you are emotionally ready to do that kind of stuff. I think you should stop doing it
I think he handled the situation as well as he could. As far as he knew, you liked that sort of thing and probably thought you might enjoy it if he initiated it. He may have gotten too comfortable but it seems to me he didn’t want you to freak out. He played it cool but I’m sure he was screaming on the inside. You didn’t want to talk so he gave you space like he should.
You should reach out to him and make clear boundaries. There has to be a lot of trust in sexual behavior like this. So you need to either trust that he didn’t mean to hit you that hard, or trust that it won’t ever happen again.
I don’t agree with most of these people. As a bdsm experienced person, you generally know how far to go and whats too much. Any experienced rough sex player knows the difference between rough sex and something that is potentially damaging. For someone to hit you that hard and not be sincerely sorry means that it will likely happen again. Imo you at least have some serious communication and let him know there is a clear difference between rough and over the limit and that was clearly over the limit. At the least let him know if it happens again you’re done. And if he doesn’t seem to understand the difference you dump him. Rough play does not mean you get abused.
As for all these guys saying if you want to play rough you have to take what you get, they’re either inexperienced morons who don’t know the difference between mutual enjoyable sex and abuse. Or they’re just idiots trying to tell women that you have to take whatever your partner wants to give you because they actually are that misogynistic.
Girl you asked for it lol. It wasn’t his fault that he hit your ears instead of face lmao. You clearly are doing it to please him I mean if slapping you is triggering to begin with why agree to do it? You sound childish but you’re 31 soo🤡
In my experience it’s very easy to get my face slapped too hard – I’m usually on the receiving end but I’ve had to tell people “that was too hard” when it gets to the ears-ringing stage and they usually seem pretty unaware of how hard they’ve hit me. It’s entirely possible I’ve been sleeping with assholes, just saying. Your guy seemed apologetic, maybe you should let him know how intense that was for you.