Hey, super simple dilemma that probably makes me look like an asshole.
This girl on this dating app I matched with is really cute and pretty, and we have been talking lightly and I was thinking about asking her out on a date. Thing is, I noticed after we started talking she updated her profile with a full shot of her body and she’s quite overweight. I’m not ripped or anything, but have been seriously dieting and working out for almost two years now, and health and wellness has overall taken a more prominent role in my life.
I want to take this girl out, but feel bad after having seen her full self and losing some attraction to her. I feel shallow saying this, but I can’t really lie to myself. I also don’t want to have her losing weight at the back of my head whenever I see her, since that wouldn’t be fair to her. Any advice?
38 comments
if you don’t fancy her then you don’t, let her go, just don’t be a dick about it.
As a guy who is currently over weight I don’t get what’s so wrong about not being into someone who is overweight.
Sexual attraction is extremely important for a relationship, personality only gets you so far.
The comments so far seem kinda toxic in how their advice still paint OP as being in the wrong here. He ain’t.
If you’re not attracted to her AND her body, don’t date her. You’ll do nothing but damage her by dating her in spite of her body. Trust me. Move on.
Sexual attraction is a huge part of maintaining a long term relationship. That doesn’t make you shallow. Who would want to be with someone they don’t find physically attractive?
I think, if you don’t like her then let her go. Honestly would be less hurtful this way compared to if you waited it out and went on a bunch of dates with her.
You’re not shallow for having a preference for women of a certain body type. My neighbor told me the other day he had a girl lined up who was 5’11 and 512lbs. He only dated bigger than 400lbs. Is that unfair to all the small girls out there? No not really.
Im going to go against the grain here… You think shes pretty, and the convos you’ve had are going well enough you were thinking of asking her out. After she updated her profile with a full body pic, your reaction wasnt oh hell no, but just taking pause to consider.
Personally…if I were to say every guy I went on a date with was gorgeous and my ideal physical type in every way, Id be lying. If Im feeling good about a person, sure I’ll meet them, cause chemistry in person can make things a whole lot clearer. Ive met guys who looked great, and did look great in person too but within the first couple minutes I was like NOPE. And vice versa…guys who I was meh on in the physical attraction front, decided to meet up anyway, and by the end of the date was super excited to see them again.
If right away you were like…oh no way no thank you that would be one thing…but that you are on the fence, I say go on the date to see how things go when you do meet. I think its awesome too that she updated her profile, thats a pretty honest move on her part, at least that way you didnt find out by surprise on the date itself.
Btw, she might be on a journey of sorts herself, considering you went through it yourself, you know it takes time. Who knows what her situation is…sure she could be just fine with herself as she is, or she may have already lost weight and youre meeting her during a part of her own journey to health and wellness that youd be able to very easily relate to. You dont know the full story of her yet to be aware of where shes at with this.
>I feel shallow saying this
well nobody cared when it was you
>Any advice?
if it bothers you, it’s going to bother you
if you don’t mind it, you won’t mind it
Don’t ask her out. If you are not attracted to her right now, don’t do it.
If you aren’t attracted to her, there’s nothing wrong with that. You can have your standards for your potential partner. Would you want someone that isn’t attracted to you dating you?
Find someone. Move on. You wouldn’t be doing her a favor by wasting her time.
This is a tough one cause on one hand you want a potential partner who is similar to where you are at in how you prioritize your fitness / health / food choices etc. On the other hand you haven’t met her to know where she was or wants to go in those areas , only a pic where she is right now. But the assumption is that she is content where she is now and it might not be true… but the old advice is never date potential hoping for change
Actually go out with her. Attraction fluctuates and can grow as quickly as it shrinks. If you super hit off you may find her weight matters less to you over time.
Attraction is what it is. You just need to admit to yourself that you now have a preference of body type and own it. Nothing wrong there. Just make sure that going forward you’re only swiping on people who have full body pics so you know what you’re getting into.
Hair is really important to me. If someone is only wearing hats in all their pics and I can’t tell what’s going on underneath, I don’t swipe right on them. 🤷
Online dating profiles are just like online shopping, you’ll never really be able to determine whether it’s gonna fit until you try it on. But know when to take that risk and when to pass is key! Manage your buyers remorse better.
Maybe she is on a journey and someone like you could pique an interest in exercise for her? Sometimes it’s just a new territory that people aren’t comfortable with. You could give her a chance being you said the conversation has been enjoyable thus far, and see how it goes 🙂
You’re overthinking it. If you think you fancy a girl, take her out. If you’re not into her, don’t take her out.
What do you suppose is going to come from you dating someone you don’t fancy? Do you think she would want or need that?
I’m a fat woman, and I was on OLD for years. I met a gorgeous man who adores me. Frankly, I didn’t need and wouldn’t have benefited in ANY way from a guy pity-dating me and wasting my time.
Here is my opinion you think she is pretty and cute I say its atleast worth a first date. See her in person. And if she is absolutely amazing, if the worst thing about her is that she is over weight I feel like you can get past that as long as you aren’t a person who is too hung up on weight.
I think it’s a learn from it and move on situation. In future, i’d be looking for full body pictures and would always recommend putting them for yourself too so everyone knows what they are expecting.
I think if you care enough to ask this question you should go out with her once and see how it feels connecting in person. If it’s not there then tell her there’s no spark. But you obviously have some interest in her so no harm in just having a quick coffee.
Hey man I don’t think your shallow. If you’re not physically attracted to her that’s ok. Just don’t ask her out.
I once tried dating a girl who was overweight, and I legitimately gave her an honest shot thinking, “Hey maybe you’ll grow to like her”
Problem is every time we tried having sex I couldn’t get it up, and I probably ended up hurting her a lot more than if I just never tried forcing myself into it.
You’re shallow for having a preference?
As an overweight person, there is nothing worse than basically being a “consolation price” for someone who is also overweight, simply because the beauty standard really wants couples to be of a similar weight. I really feel this whole “two people who are chubby make a cute couple” is no different than people of a similar race “making a cute couple” like it often happens on tv, and seeing this stuff in general on screen is just insufferable
As a bigger girl, I call out of my profile that I’m plus sized, put full body pics up, and even will send a message to someone before meeting to double check if they read my profile and are okay with me being plus sized. Yea it may be overkill, but I don’t want to waste my time. Do her a solid and move on
Being honest with yourself about your feelings is actually more than most do. Maybe; she has PCOS and struggles with losing the weight. (I have been on a 800 cal diet + HRT for PCOS and I’ve only lost 12 lbs in 5 months ).
Honestly if it’s that much of a turn off; maybe just try one date. You don’t know what she looks like when she laughs yet. And it sounds stupid. But it may be worth a shot. One full body shot isn’t always how someone appears.
And if you still feel the same way. Then at least you tried.
As a plus sized girl: I would not want to date a guy that was conflicted on his attraction to me. If it’s not 100% there, don’t bother. It’s exhausting and if it comes out that you were hesitant to continue because of her weight, it’ll sting like hell.
As a curvier girl (7 months pregnant adds a few extra curves) I would say be polite, but honest. I’d much rather be let down honestly than led on out of guilt.
I think you’re hesitation is valid, however, pictures are so different I think. When you see someone in person, their personality really comes out. After good conversations, laughs…you may find you’re attracted to her beyond appearances.
What’s the problem? I dated scrawny guys in the past, even married one. I’m divorced now and several years later I found my perfect man. He’s bigger and I adore everything about him. He is working on his weight and I’m kinda sad about it, but it’s for the better and he’s happier.
I want to tell you, you could be missing out on something great. It’s up to you to get over yourself and take a chance.
Honestly, don’t ask her out or anything, leave her alone. Dating someone and then realizes they’re not attracted to you hurts. So let her find someone that would be attracted to her and find someone you’re attracted too.
I would never want anyone who was unsure about their attraction to me. My bf worships every inch of me, which he has done throughout weight gain and weight loss. If you don’t love her whole appearance then you should talk to someone else bc everyone deserves that
Don’t ask her out on a date if you’re not physically attracted to her.
You’re not shallow for having preferences about physical appearance imo. It’s normal. Most people have to be physically attracted to someone to be in a relationship with them. Otherwise it’s more of a friendship.
Don’t ask her out. If you are questioning your attraction level now, just let it go. The issue is if she ever found out you wrote this, it would end the relationship either way.
You’re right in that it wouldn’t be fair on her if you started the relationship wanting to change her. We all want someone who appreciates us as we are. You’d be doing neither her nor you any favours by trying to force attraction.
Move on
You probably won’t be happy w someone who doesn’t also take care of themselves
If you’re not into her, don’t go. Or you can still go and give her a chance if you still think she’s cute
My advice, I would go on the date. You may find out she is also on her own health/weight loss journey and you guys might really connect! You might also find out that she’s totally content with how she is and at the end of the date you might decide you’re not compatible or you may surprise yourself and actually like her even more.
This is what dates are for. To get to know each other and see if there’s something there. You won’t know unless you give it a chance. Otherwise you may miss out on something great.
“I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. I’ve struggled with my health in the past, but I put a lot of work towards creating a healthy lifestyle over the past two years. With that said, I really need a partner who is of a similar mindset and maintains a similar activity level to best align with my physical and mental health goals. “