The type of friends who mention how they’re going for a coffee afterwards or to cafes to study, they mention all their plans in front of you but also never bother inviting you or telling you beforehand about their outings. I know they wouldn’t mind me tagging along at all but also i’m never a part of the plan. This hurts my mental health extremely and I don’t know how to cope with it
27 comments
You don’t. Get new ones.
They don’t see you as a friend
Make friends that do.
Think about it this way. You want people to text/invite/connect with you, which is fine. But why should people text/invite/connect with you ? The truth is people subconsciously attach you to the value you bring to your interactions. In other words, there has to be a clear, unique, and convincing reason for people to reach out to you. People gather this from the quality of conversations you have with them. You reaching out or knowing them for a long time isn’t simply enough for them to reach out to you. You have to genuinely connect with them in person, be confident in expressing yourself in person, and bring positive vibes. Even better, find ways to add to people’s lives. Maybe you have a skill, hobby, or talent that aligns with people’s interests. Let them know about it. Offer to help people in some aspect of life. People respect those who impact their lives.
In general, people are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation. They gravitate towards somebody who is self confident and well-rounded in life. You need to focus on becoming genuinely busy in life pursuing your goals and hobbies, while learning how to interact with other people on the side. Find something you enjoy doing or are passionate for and keep doing it overtime. Find groups in your area who are also pursuing the same thing. Chase excellence, not people.
Invite them out for coffee. Don’t wait to be invited. Create the moment.
Have you tried asking if you can come? I do this all the time. And almost everytime they’ve said yes. Eventually they’ll just naturally ask you to come along.
You don’t have to be awkward about it. “That sounds fun! Can I come?” Again, they nearly always say yes, but if they don’t, “No worries. Let’s get coffee/lunch/whatever next time.”
You’re probably in the acquaintance category. You need to work harder and make yourself available so they see you as a friend. (Invite them out more, ask to join their plans, be a good listener, etc.)
I am big on one-on-one quality time. I have a relationship with each friend individually, and I think it makes our friendships more special and unique. I don’t like group hangouts as much because they feel less sincere and open.
I also really value alone time. Your friends aren’t required to invite you to everything, but if you’re the only one proposing plan ideas or giving out invitations, maybe you need new friends.
the fact that they’re making plans in front of you probably means that you’re invited by default, assuming these are close friends of yours. they might have assumed that you dont need an individual invitation and the reason you’re not going with them is that you have other plans or don’t feel like it. OR it could be that they’re hinting to you that they don’t want you hanging out with them and dont consider you a friend
How does this go?…
Friend A says, “Friend B, do you want to head to the cafe with me after this thing?” OR
Friend A [sorta looking toward B]: We should go to the cafe after!
Friend B: Yes.
You: [thinking] I don’t think they want me to go…
And how often are we talking?
They aren’t friends. I learned this the hard way. Take an honest look, and see what it is you are providing for them. Stop providing that, and I imagine you won’t hear from them anymore.
You find ones that do invite you
Get new friends.
Find new friends who invite you
Make new and real friends.
I’ve been there before. Sometimes people just assume you’re invited and sometimes you aren’t really their friend but a convenient “extra” they keep hanging around when it suits their needs.
Signs to look out for:
– If they lie/try to hide it when they exclude you from plans (big red flag)
– You only tend to be a last minute invite (aka they need more people at the table so you’re a convenient add)
– They only rarely accept *your* offers to hang out and hanging with them tends to only be on *their* terms (it has to be their idea, their place, they choose who is invited, etc)
You don’t. Just get new better friends
See I’ve been in this situation when I was college once. It’s not the entire group if you look at it. It’s always the 1 person who doesn’t like you, is the most toxic person in the group & is the downright gossip queen of your circle. He will manipulate everyone into thinking that you’re a loser. They know it when they’re doing it infront of you. They do it intentionally to feed their egos & hurt you. Figure that 1 person out in the group who’s the leader of all of them & face that guy. Then I’d recommend go your own way & find new people. You deserve it brother
Always been on the periphery or excluded from groups. I have come to the conclusion since I am shy people don’t respect me. I sometimes don’t ask to be part of the group as not sure they want me there.
I get bummed too about not being invited to things, but honestyl, when I am invited, I am reluctant to attentd, and when I do attend, I can’t wait to go home, I get major social anxiety, even with my people. I also just remind myself (and you totally might not be this way) that even if I were invited would I actually go or enjoy my time? Don’t take it personally, or be like my friend that would get invited to evvvverything….just invite yourself lol…no one ever was rubbed the wrong way when she did this, and people insert themselves all the time and if they’re your friends they probably won’t care. You could also always plan your own get together!
I play dumb. They obviously dont want you so let them be happy without you. I just live my life with no worries
Fuck em!! Just go and find some new one’s. I’m just saying this from personal experience.
Cut ties, they are not real friends, find new ones who aren’t so rude and inconsiderate.
Find better friends. Alot of people are saying “ask if you can come”, which defeats the entire purpose of this post, or that they might have thought the invite was “assumed”. People who use “assumed” invites are just assholes making excuses. I reiterate, find better friends
I’m not sure those are ur friends
I had friends that did this to me towards the end of our friendship, they made new friends and did everything with them and left older friends (me included) out. I tried to ask the other older friends if they’re bothered and they said they weren’t because they were busy with work and hobbies anyway, I had part time work so I had more free time and noticed being left out easier than they did I guess.
I ended up admitting to the friends that were leaving me out that I felt left out by them, made it clear I know they wouldn’t do that to me intentionally, but I was still upset because we had been friends for ages. To make it up to me, they offered I join them for an upcoming cinema trip to meet their new friends so I said OK.
It was awful and showed me why I think my friends left me out, it was because I didn’t belong with their new friends. In the film, one of the new guys asked who invited me in a rude tone, and said I don’t have a seat with them. When someone called him out for being rude and unwelcoming, he said he was just joking.
After the film, they closed around in a group discussion with no space for me to join. I tried to contribute (I don’t remember what was said exactly, it was about the film we saw), and the guy that made the joke shut me down and laughed at me (not with me, at me). I tried to stand up for myself, but he physically turned his back on me and ignored me. I tried to quietly get the attention of my friends, but they didn’t seem to notice me. I got the message and went home.
I felt miserable, foolish, and embarrassed. My friend that invited me texted me later asking where I vanished to, and I said truthfully I felt upset because this particular person was awful to me so I went home. I don’t remember what happened after, but I moved towns to be closer to family anyway and I hardly speak to them anymore. I miss being friends with them, but I miss what it was before the new guys came along and dominated their time, it’s a shame my friends weren’t able to balance their time between friend groups more equally.
If it’s your longtime friends suddenly acting differently, I don’t think it’s always a conscious thing that they realise they’re doing. Like mine, they may have been swept up with new and interesting people. Even so, anyone that treats a friend the way mine treated me isn’t really worth it.
I tried to talk openly with my friend about it and it led to them feeling guilty and inviting me out to an awful experience with their new friends, I personally don’t recommend at least agreeing to meet their new people because they might get territorial over their new group or something. I have multiple friend groups myself and I think if I experienced something like this again, I would spend my recently vacant time with them or pick up a new hobby.
Ghost yourself and find new friends.
I’ve been in this spot truckloads of times. Not worth wasting your time on these people. Took me too long to learn this.
What’s that quote attributed to Robin Williams: “The worst thing in life is not to end up all alone. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.”
You have to understand that not everyone wants to do everything together and hang out all the time. Me telling you “I’m going for a walk in the park later.” means that I’ve got plans to take a walk in the park later and will be occupied. If you’re interested and want to join, just ask. We can work something out.
Every adult should be capable of living independently and spending time on their own. We can’t always depend on others to be our entertainment all the time. It is just unhealthy for the mind.