My bf (25) and I (24) have been together 3 years now. I’m really embarrassed to make this post bc I have not made improving our sex life my top priority even though he has repeatedly asked me to. He does go on this subreddit so there is the possibility he will see this.
I know what kind of things he is generally into but I struggle with initiating anything but very vanilla sex. And honestly I’ll be honest I struggle with initiating in general. Vanilla isn’t bad!! He just wants more and different and I want to give it to him. I just don’t really have any ideas on how to do so. How do I initiate humiliation, degradation, etc (open to more types of kinks)? Or anything in particular you love when your partner does? What are some sexy ways to initiate sex?
Asking him to do something to me/ for me is NOT what I’m looking for.
He once said he feels like my only way to initiate is to put on lingerie and then expect him to take over. Which is a very fair critique. I am literally open to any and all suggestions. I need to take a more active role in our sex life and showing him how much I want him. Please help.
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Let him say what he likes and you too. Try diffrent poses and such and I would recommend to be dom if your into that stuff and find out your kinks and his.
I could totally describe what I like, for my kink (spanking) and how to pull it off, but I don’t know if that’s what he’d like.
I just want to say you’re doing good to try and work on it! Initiating sex can be really stressful for people because it leaves us open to rejection. I’ve read tips on here about how people will turn a night light on or something as a signal that they’re open to sex tonight, so maybe a signal would help you know you’re not going to get rejected if you initiate.
Personally the things that have worked for me in the past has been things like jumping his bones as soon as he comes in the door, and sometimes giving him a blowjob on my knees right inside the door. Dirty talk (which I understand is hard for some people) is a fairly straightforward way of spicing things up too. You can always start with a spicy text to begin with if talking dirty seems intimidating
Like all things, give your self time to come around to that & have patience. Imagination is key but imagination in the sense of acting. Its helped me to get into character when having sex & specifically when it comes to kinks. Allow yourself to have fun when initiating sex. Try touching on him like squeezing or slapping his butt, groping or even slightly grazing his dick over his pants. Do these things when sex isn’t a possibility at the time. For example when you’re at a restaurant, movie theater, at your parents or his parents place, or while you’re on the road. You’ll get him worked up and thinking about fucking you. The feeling will absolutely build up. Or let’s say he’s out with his friends or busy doing something , you can text him “Ugh I wish you were here to throat fuck me & cum all over me” that will definitely excite him. Try things similar to that and you’ll be fine. Also go try on lingerie & while you’re in the dressing room send him pics of you wearing it
Try Mojo upgrade.com, it’s a big test where you say how interested you are from like 1-5 on sexual activities, and then your partner takes it, and the results only show the things you both say you’d like to try. It’s a good way to find some starting points.
It sounds like maybe there are things he wants/needs but doesn’t know how to communicate them effectively.
Some easy things to try:
Just tell him whenever you think about how hot he is. Seriously, whenever it comes to your mind, and time you see the bit of his smile you like, or the muscles in his forearms, or his butt, whatever it is that you find attractive about your partner tell them repeatedly whenever it comes to mind.
Tell him when you’re aroused. If you’re apart, text him and say “I was just thinking about that time we fucked in the kitchen and I got so wet” or whatever applies.
Think about what you want:
Are you content with the amount and type of sex you’re having?
Are you excited by the thought of more sex, of trying new things?
What things do you like when he does them to you, specific things? Think about asking or demanding them, how does that feel?
Some self examination and self-play can be useful here.
Finally, you’re asking about humiliation and degradation. Those are both aspects of BDSM and require in-depth conversations about likes and limits if you don’t want to risk harming your relationship.
If the “More and Different” things he wants are along that line, I *strongly* advise doing thorough research on any activity beforehand.
You could go to a shibari show… good conversation starter…