I really want to ‘fix’ my self esteem around other people so I fell confident enough to talk to them.
I am asking anyone for advice on how I can do this. It recently just hit me that I need to start being less worried of what I say and how i come across to others. I mean in other words that I want to come off intelligent and not seem like I don’t know what I am talking about with other people.
I think my self-esteem started to get bad when I was in middle school and was mad fun of a lot. The whole thing was a mess and if I could go back I wish I could’ve did things differently. When I was younger I didn’t have a lot of friends and one of the main things I wanted was friends to call my own. I jumped from one table to another in desperate need of finding friends but give or take 2-3 months it was nothing more then a mistake for me to sit there. What I am basically trying to say is as a kid the more I came across people the more suffer able it was for me to just keep getting picked on and speak ro other people.
Everytime I see one of my co-workers at my internship all I can imagine is recieving criticism from them but they are actually really nice people. I studder a lot and feel bad for the people having to listen to me. This is not just at my job but also in college and around anyone honestly.
My low self esteem does have a upside to it. Everytime I was picked on I wanted to prove all of them wrong that I was going to go out and do better then them in the world. That has had good and bad intentions on my life. The good was it has led me to want to go to college. The bad was it has significantly lessened who I can speak to and who I feel comfortable around.
I wanted to go into a career that I could avoid that kind of encounter as a kid and the more I got to know myself as I grew up the I more I realized what I wanted to do as a career and that was data analysis.
Everytime I watch people interact with each other on social media all I can feel is jealously. Those were the people who made me who I am and had taken away my enjoyment with others. It’s not fair at all that they still get to be happy around others while I have trauma from those same people who did this to me.
Can anyone please give me advice on how I can feel confident in myself again.
P.S please upvote this I could really use all the support I can get.
Thank you
6 comments
The best way to build self esteem is by working in retail, It helped me a lot. To face many strangers daily and interact with them made me really realize that my anxiety around people was unnecessary, People only care about themselves, They won’t think about you twice even if you did something stupid or wrong, Be with others as you are with yourself, No one would judge if you act as yourself , Even if someone do judge you ignore them, It’s the best way to deal with those kind of people.
Edit: spelling.
I have issues with that too. Your self esteem is largely influenced by your environment reception.
Not to sound shallow but make yourself conventionally attractive. You will be confident in your look and ppl will most likely have good response towards you.
Then body language. Walk tall head held high, eye contact. Take up space. Show your palm. If you are quiet, when you talk make big body gesture if you don’t feel comfortable speaking loudly. You can practice that as well. I know it seems superficial but those things leave an impression on how ppl treat you. And then how you will think of yourself bc of how ppl treat you.
Then if you don’t have good relationships with others get interested in what others are saying. That will make people like you. Which in turn will make their reaction to you positive which in turn will make your self esteem grow.
I am not saying sacrifice yourself for others. Know your limits and let people know firmly when they are crossed. Once. And if they don’t get it. Give the same answer the same way with the exact same words.
But most importantly confidence/ self esteem is not to get people to like you but to know that even if they don’t you ll be ok.
And the only way to do that is doing and practicing things what You are scared of.
Instead of worrying on whether ppl think you are smart. Make THEM feel smart. Compliment them when they make excellent points etc…but be genuine. Don’t makeshift up to compliment
I am actually working on those things right now.
My answer is all over the place . So you can see that I struggle with these types of things as well.
My shortcut (which is still detrimental sometimes) is to just forget about self esteem and confidence. Just forget what people want to criticize you about. Stick to what ur doing.
Got a task? Don’t measure by confidence or courage. Is the task possible and probable? Yes? Then just say. I’ll do what I can. (Of course decline things that are too superhuman, but like “do this job” that is already expected of you)
Then do it. Brain off. No thoughts of if I can. Just thoughts of how I can. Keep thinking how to achieve task until you can’t then say I failed and move on.
Methodical over emotional sums it up I guess.
Why are you a certain way? Typically I blame the parents. They are the ones who shape you more than anything else besides biology. Until you are an adult and you start shaping yourself.
Maybe you took on existing traits of your parents. Eg i realized my mother is extremely anxious and I tend towards that too, unless I consciously push back against it (eg thru meditation). My parents also yelled at each other and at me, which made me bottle up from the world as a defensive measure.
Now that I have kids, I am very conscious of how my actions impact their future emotional state. Eg I purposely try to not make them anxious, eg by letting them take risks, fall down, and get back up.
I’ve always hated myself, even thought about taking me out of my misery more than once. I’m trying not to be as hard on myself now though. It’s not an easy problem to fix. Honestly, the only thing you can do is work on what you perceive as your problems. I’m obese, so I’ve been dieting and exercising. I feel way better about myself and in general. I’m antisocial, so I’ve been trying to get out more. Again, after a short time I feel much better. Self esteem issues are a hell in their own right.
As long as you keep thinking you have low esteem, people will notice and feel that vibe coming from you. People notice the way you carry yourself and the vibes you give off. When you are nervous/anxious/overthinking/worrying about low self esteem, your verbal and nonverbal actions tend to show it. If you keep acting this way, people will stop associating with you because it’s a negative vibe. You are essentially conveying that you are unworthy to hold a conversation with them or be around them and that they need to be constantly reassuring you. That’s not what you want to convey, and it’s nobody else’s job but your own to validate and reassure yourself. People gravitate towards self confidence, not anxiety.
Genuinely connect with people in real life e.g. ask how they are, their hobbies, interests, goals, opinions, etc. Listen and pay attention to what people say. Share those things about yourself when asked. People also subconsciously attach you to the value you bring. The value you bring is a clear, unique, and convincing reason why people will interact with you, let alone do so constantly. So Find ways to add value to their lives. Having In person interactions is the easiest way to stand out from countless people who text or message. People remember and favor in person interactions because of the positive vibes. If your hobbies, skills, talents align with their interests or can help them, bring it up and offer to help them. Finally, learn how to be genuinely busy in your life pursuing your goals and hobbies, while interacting with people on the side. People are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation and instead gravitate towards those who are self confident and well rounded in life. They want to see active confirmation of you actually doing something in your life other than just talking to them. So chase excellence, not people.