A friend of mine suggested that this site could help me gain some insight and tips on how to handle this situation, so I am willing to give you guys a shot. As the title says, my wife is refusing to show me proof of her last visit to the hospital. This is strange as she and I have always been transparent about our medical visits since we started dating. For context, I first met my now wife when I was 24 at the local gym. For 8 years, we have been a dynamic duo and very open and honest with each other. She is the love of my life, and I could not imagine a day without her.
This recent visit was not for some physical check-up, but to see her fertility rates. We have discussed having kids around the fourth year of our relationship, so two years after getting married. The talks were really only about making sure we were financially ready before bringing anyone into the world, which we both agreed on being a few years away. After moving twice for work, we are now both well into our careers and earning a good salary with a home purchase in mind at the moment; however, like many you have seen in the news, now may not be the time to buy with a possible market crash. Our friend group have been announcing their pregnancies as of late, and I guess my wife was getting excited about the idea of a kid. After discussing it last year, we decided that it was time to try and start a family.
Month after month, no positive pregnancy result. Everything has been standard, and no period has been missed from her. I was nervous about the idea that I was just stuck with shooting blanks, so my wife and I scheduled, attended, and participated in the process of checking my sperm count. Suffice to say, I am shooting nothing but strong swimmers ready to do their job. While I felt immediate relief about these results, I noticed my wife grew anxious about her fertility. This is what has been the issue of our relationship, which is new as we have always been open, honest, and non-argumentative with one another. This lead to a minor pause in our trying attempts as she became uncomfortable with the thought that it was due to her. I tried to comfort her as best as I could by reassuring that I would love her just as much on our wedding day as I would with hearing the results. She is my one and only, and no potential kid would change that. After a few months, she said that she was going to meet up with a fertility doc to check her out. The appointment was when I was out of the the country for work, which is fine as it is just them getting samples for testing from my understanding. About a month after the appointment, I come home to my wife crying. She handed over the results which declared her to be infertile. I would be lying if I said I was not crushed on this news, but I made sure to make my wife’s health the top priority. Having her family health history or involvement would have been great, but her parents passed away near the end of high school and were cut off from their family due to “the incident” per my wife. This means that, outside of therapy, I have been her reliable shoulder. It has been tough on me to hear how sad this has made her, but I have continued to do my best to support here.
I guess this is the part where things go wonky. During a meeting with our friend group, one of the wives came up to me to ask about how she is holding up. At this point, they knew about my wife’s fertility and this friend of ours was also given the non-fertile outcome; however, through luck, power, or a mix of both, she had become pregnant. She has been a lifeline for my wife and I through this struggle, so I was open with her about it. I even sent her the photo my wave gave me. The next day, I get a phone call from around noon. She broke the news to me that the results were from google images, and provided the link to it. Sure enough, there it is. I felt such a mix of emotions when seeing this. When I sent the link of the image my wife showed to me, she said that it doesn’t matter as she had met with the doctor about this in-person. Well if that is the case, then the hospital could be in legal trouble from us; therefore, I need the proof that she went to these visits, and now I am being stonewalled at seeing these appointment confirmations.
While I may have only had two relationships prior to meeting my wife, none were as perfect than it has been with my beautiful wife. What has me stressed out is the fact that I caught her lie about going to a doctor to check on her fertility. This is the only lie, outside of the small white lies about not eating the last bit of my homemade jerky, she has made to me that I caught.
What do I do?
27 comments
STDs?
Sounds like she doesn’t want to have a child, she should be honest with you so that you can marry someone who does, it’ll hurt but you won’t waste anymore time.
Maybe she is scared?
I’m confused. What kind of testing did she actually do?
Usually it starts with blood tests and checking if the fallopian tubes are blocked.
She doesn’t want kids and she’s lying to you about it. She needs to come clean, you need to ask yourself if you’re pressured her too much, or alternatively whether you’ve been blind to other manipulative behaviour.
What about checking insurance records?
Maybe take the pressure off, stop asking, and she’ll open up.
She went for an STD TEST and doesn’t want you to know.
She was pregnant and had an abortion and doesn’t want you to know.
Or she is infertile and doesn’t want you to know.
Either way, if she doesn’t want to tel you, you have the right to leave.
Medical issues are a big thing – huge.
I bet she’s still on bc and gave you the fake results to hide it. She’s not ready for kids.
Trust your gut.
Something is off. It’s up to you to determine if she is being dishonest or is simply off balance by the infertility.
FWIW my brother had the same infertility issue. Spent 30K+ in IVF. Nothing. Nada.
She has been lying to you and it has gone so far that she’s proving false documents. Maybe she had an abortion? Maybe she’s cheating? Maybe she doesn’t want children? Maybe she has an STD? It is not normal for her to go from sharing everything on this subject to nothing at all. Especially because she’s been caught in this lie.
You need to sit her down and explain that you want answers. If she refuses, ask her to leave until she can be honest with you. Do not relent on this because she is clearly doing something extremely shady.
Do not accept this behavior because it will only get worse and you deserve the truth no matter what it is.
My guess is that she is not actually ready for children (for any number of reasons), and has continued or started on birth control, and never went to the doctor about her fertility at all. Sounds like you two need to sit down and actually open up. A therapist helping out with it wouldn’t be remiss either.
Stop focusing on asking for proof of this visit and whether your wife is or isn’t lying. That’s not truly the part that matters here. Think seriously about what it would mean if you found out she was lying: you still won’t know why. People don’t lie about things like that just for fun; there’s some kind of serious fear or deep, deep issue going on that would cause her to do this. So for now, forget about proving her wrong and figure out *why* you’re not able to communicate in a real way about this.
Seeing a therapist together might be a good idea so you have a third party to help you navigate this. Be more open with her about your feelings in addition to asking her about hers. Focus on creating an environment that will make it easier and more comfortable for your wife to share her scariest thoughts with you without fear of judgment.
There’s a chance she is infertile, and is having some sort of mental health issue. You do hear about people who can’t accept they can’t be a parent.
Or, like everyone else said she’s faking both.
What does the friend who discovered the image online think? Does she have a theory? I don’t think I would Google a friend’s image. Sounds like she had her suspicions? Or maybe simply knew enough about infertility to know that the wives story didn’t make sense..
Updateme!
To me, this is one of the few times you have to use an ultimatum. Either she tells you the truth and you have an appointment together with the doctor to talk about options, or you give her divorce papers.
If she truly couldn’t have kids, it’d be different. But this is ridiculous. Also, even if you get a bad result, there are plenty of treatments and it’s even unclear why she supposedly cannot have kids (?)
I don’t think you need to go to the worst conclusions here. Tell your wife what you’ve been saying in the comments. No matter what happens, you will still love life as her husband with or without children.
My take on this is that since you got cleared that it’s not your sperm that’s the issue, she is avoiding going to the doctor because she doesn’t want to hear that it’s a problem with her. Kind of like how people avoid the doctor because they don’t want bad news.
That’s my two cents, but talk to your wife, give her space, but ask her to be transparent about what her feelings are. It’s a major life change and it’s a lot of pressure on a woman.
Focus on the fact that the communication has broken down between you, and that your relationship as it is now is unsustainable. This is not a threat, it is simple fact that your relationship is becoming changed and destabilised now that this confusion has entered the marriage.
I would seriously look at couples counseling to address this. A mediator can help direct the conversation and avoid deflections and distractions. Find one that has experience with fertility issues. Make it clear to your wife that seeing a counsellor is not because the relationship is failing; instead it’s a way to keep it healthy and prevent it reaching a breaking point. It’s the old prevention being better than trying to find a cure.
Good luck
If most medical forms are standard, and the result language is also standardized, then isn’t it possible that the test result form and your wife’s form are really identical?
>When I sent the link of the image my wife showed to me, she said that it doesn’t matter as she had met with the doctor about this in-person.
Isn’t that what that means? That your wife was given the identical standard negative result paper from a doctor? There’s no handwriting on it, right? They probably use the same machines as the one in the example?
I think you are downplaying your last statement. “Only lie… she has made to me that I caught”
This is a huge lie and pulling the strings could unravel your entire perceptionof her. Perhaps it was bad news she got or maybe she is truly scared. But ts also possible you could find a rats nest of lies so tangled you won’t know where to start.
White lies build, and people don’t usually jump to something this big and detailed unless out of habit.
Either way mate be prepared and best luck.
There is dishonesty and there is DISHONESTY.
This is in the DISHONEST category. Something is terribly off/wrong.
I think therapy is always there goto on this sub, but I believe marriage counseling would be beneficial to breaking through whatever is going on with your wife.
If you’re married why can’t you check with your medical insurance company for the appointment confirmation? I find it weird that you would have separate health insurance policies. More than likely your wife is on BC. Just have an honest conversation about what exactly she really wants because it sounds like you both have great careers and she’s at a point where she doesn’t want to mess it up?
It may be extreme but for such a large lie to be caught suddenly after years of honesty and trust, she may be lying about more than just this. She showed you the results initially and was broken down to tears, and she didn’t flinch in that lie. Or after, lying to your face flawlessly.
She also has zero family you can contact about her past. Any old friends from her past? Does it seem like she just suddenly popped out of no where in her late 20s?
It’s an extreme jump to suddenly not just trust what she has told you, but the longer she goes without telling the truth the less you should trust her word. Be careful in her explanation to be mindful of any lies. If she lies in her honesty talk with you, good luck with trusting her.
So I see three possibilities here:
1. she doesn’t want to have a kid anymore
2. she got an std test/abortion
3. she is infertile and is having some issues dealing with that
But honestly no matter what actually happened, her sending you papers from the internet seems so sketchy to me. I would be extremely suspicious from that fact alone if I was you. You need to sit her down and have a real honest conversation with what’s going on. You have a right to know what’s happening and shouldn’t be lied to and sent fake information.
So she faked rest results that show she’s infertile and has probably been on birth control this whole time.
The big issue is: why didn’t she tell you she doesn’t want kids?
Any chance she’s secretly on birth control so she doesn’t accidentally have someone else’s child?