My wife and I just celebrated our fifth anniversary and have two kids (4 years & 4 months).
My in-laws and brother in-law and his family decided a few months ago to move to another state. They’ve all just finished moving and my wife and kids went back with my in laws and I’m going in a couple of weeks to get them.
The problem is my wife is dead set on us selling our house, me quitting my job and moving closer to her family. I’ve told her repeatedly I do not want to right now and maybe in a year we can look at it then. A year especially because I’m vested in my pension in a year, and it’s decent.
Ever since she went back with them a week ago I’m getting text messages with job openings and phone calls hounding me about applying for said jobs. When I say “No!” I get a spiel about how my kids love it there and she might just move out there with her parents with the girls and then goes for the emotional lines of how much I’d miss them growing up
I feel like I’m being blackmailed into doing something I don’t want to do. I agreed to one year, and she’s accusing me of dragging my feet and why wait.
Any suggestions on how to handle this?
21 comments
That’s crazy
Bruh how is she gonna try to ruin your career for a faith based job and then guilt trip you? Id call her bluff, the kids will most likely understand that their mother wasnt willing to wait a year for them to have a better future.
First why exactly does she want to move? Because everyone else did? Is she willing to sit down and have a real conversation about it. I would check on your laws moving children to another state and have a divorce lawyer on speed dial. And remind her it could take a head to get a job anyway and you don’t just up and move you make plans.
insist that she come back to live with you even sooner
When she tries the manipulation, tell her “I wonder how those kids will feel not having a daddy.”
How old is she? Aren’t there laws that you could use to prevent her from taking the kids? Use them. These alleged “adults” who refuse to grow up and live if they are away from their families have no business getting married. They should just live in their parents basements forever.
Stand firm.
If you do not want to move then stand by that. And if she doubles down on taking the kids then kindly explain that if push comes to shove you will fight for your kids to remain in the state but that you hope that it never comes to that.
Because if you do separate the courts look very unkindly to one parent taking the kids out of state.
Edit: Unless you are in one of those shitty red states where soon it will be illegal to do anything except spit out babies, pray to god and shoot people who look different then maybe moving is not such a bad idea.
My family is on an opposite coast, ideally I’ll be there soon too my dudes not ready to move so I go when he’s ready. When you marry someone it’s a 2 person question and answer, her waiting a year is not you saying no and a year is no time at all
Honestly maybe I’m paranoid, but I can only give a possibly paranoid answer right now which might not be helpful.
Your wife does not get to make a unilateral decision to move everyone to another state. You have one year before you’re vested in your pension. Do not give that up. If your wife wants to separate, then get a lawyer. She can’t just move your kids.
If that’s possible, I would probably travel there sooner than later, leverage the family for childcare and take the wife for a day’s trip away from the kids to discuss this. And I mean really discuss this. I’m guessing she’s SAHM? Which would make you the sole provider? If that’s correct, unfortunately she has “less” say in things.
Technically it’s an employee’s market these days but depending on the field and your tenure, it might still be difficult to find employment. On top of that you made commitments at your current job and you can’t just up and leave. You have a family to provide for and that means you have responsibilities.
She also needs to hear that for this and every future argument she can’t just use your children as leverage when you don’t comply to her wishes immediately. They’re not a bargaining chip. She needs to respect it.
Finally, I would ask why the sudden need to be close to the family. Is she lonely? Does she need help?
I think that the compromise you offered is very sound and I would stick to it. You need to plan for a proper exit as to not burn bridges and also plan your next move so you don’t set yourself back professionally.
“No.” And talk to a lawyer to understand your custody options if she were to try to permanently leave the state with your kids. Let her decide if living somewhere else is important enough to her to miss them growing up.
Curious about family support here? Or social circle? Where you all living close together previously?
Stand firm. If you are the principle wage earner your job should determine where you live. Tell her to stop hounding you. Your children are too young to care where they live. Your wife needs to grow up. If you were divorced she wouldn’t be able to take the children out of state without your permission. How does she expect to support them?
this… sounds very sus. i’d keep an eye on your children before she just goes to visit her family permanently without you.
>When I say “No!” I get a spiel about how my kids love it there and she might just move out there with her parents with the girls and then goes for the emotional lines of how much I’d miss them growing up
So wait, she’s threatening to kidnap your kids? This is the legal definition of kidnapping. You cannot just randomly up and move your kids away from your spouse without your spouse’s consent. Even if you’re divorced that’s illegal.
Why wait? For $$$. How stupid is she? All she has to wait is a year for a pension?
While moving seems like it would be a fair possibility in the future, your wife is clearly not satisfied with your timeline.
There’s a number of reasons moving currently wouldn’t be the best such as the housing market prices, your current job, internet rates. You need to make it clear to her that there is no OPTION to move as of right now. It’s not a decision that can be made currently. Your timeline cannot follow her families timeline.
This needs to be communicated in a sit down conversation. Her expressing her thoughts on it. And you expressing yours. As of currently there seems there could be a possible compromise if you both could come to an agreement. Otherwise, a lengthy discussion should be had. Asking things such as “why do you want to move closer to family? Why as soon as possible? What’s wrong with my timeline?” Are critical to understanding one another.
She’s moving because her family does and I understand her for that matter. I mean it’s a good feeling to be with your family always. But it’s different when you’re married already. She’s own her family now so she should stood by you. Try to talk her about that and if she won’t listen you have to decide. Either move and left your job or have separate lives. Think what’s best for everybody.
Your wife is using the kids to manipulate you and that is a pretty shitty thing to do.
The word you’re looking for is manipulating, not blackmailing. I honestly have no advice to offer you, your situations can be summed up as “between a rock and a hard place”. Whatever you decide, I hope it’s the best for you and your two girls. Your wife seems to only care about what she wants, not what y’all want.
Maybe post pregnancy or wtv it’s called depression and neurosis kicked in and she saw the solution only in moving, obviously imaginary ideal solution. And that’s why she’s pushing it?