Sorry in advance for the long post, but it’s a complicated story. For some background we’ve been together since I was 17 (5 yrs) and we got married a year ago. A couple years into our relationship he decided to take a highly demanding job. It moved him pretty far so when we married I moved away from our city (and friends and family) to be with him.
About 7 months in to our marriage and living together I noticed he seemed distant but every time I brought it up he had some excuse— work, broken car, family issues, etc.
Well he got sent away (work) and I was taking care of some bank stuff in his account because he couldn’t. Saw some pending charges that seemed weird and they had a big ol’ “OF” in the description.
Over the next couple weeks I searched through months of bank statements and found a lot of charges. It was about $400 over the previous few months. Most were $10-15 every now and then, but there were 2 $50 charges in one day.
One of my best friends uses that website to make some extra money. She (being my friend for 8+ years) was more than willing to let me login to her account in order to do my research and try to find his account. And I found it, subscribed to her account. I knew it was his because the charge in our bank came the same day she got her subscription. Same amount. And a username that’s eerily similar to a different anonymous online account he has.
I waited a few more weeks for him to come home and I calmly (with high anxiety) confronted him. He lied 3 times and then finally logged in, only after I yelled and started to bring up my evidence and he asked “Well how much do you know” *sigh*
He logged in and deleted some messages before I could snatch his phone back. My mistake, I should’ve typed it in for him. After seeing what was left (not much) I sat there silently before telling him I can’t deal with it all right now and then went back to work.
When I came home we didn’t talk. After long silence I grabbed 2 beers and tossed one to him. Finally he looked me in the eyes. Told him that after 2 months of living in a constant state of anger I needed one night where I could feel normal again. It’s exhausting watching my life fall apart and I needed one night even if it was fake. Maybe that was selfish of me but I can’t take it back now.
I’ve tried to bring it up to talk about it. He’s dismissive. He once said “don’t make me relive that” which started a different kind of fight. Basically we’ve been living like we’re roommates that don’t really talk. We work opposite work schedules anyway and rarely have a day off together.
I took time off from my job and have been with my family out of state. I was hoping to gain some clarity with all of this. But I’m still lost. Is this forgivable? Do I try to make it work? Is my marriage dead before it’s really begun? I feel like it’s a risk to stay or to leave and either way I lose. My two best friends (him and the girl i mentioned earlier) I can’t look at the same. What do I do?
TL;DR My husband cheated and lied about it and now wants to pretend it never happened. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Let me know of any questions. I’ll answer to the best of my ability.
22 comments
He cheated
He’s not at all sorry….drop his ass. It’s not forgivable.
Do you want to be with a cheating child for the rest of your life? He stole his phone back and deleted the messages like it would solve something? It sounds like he expected you to forget the messages existed when he deleted them like you don’t have object permanence or something. He’s a child who treats you like a child. Get someone who treats you like you deserve!
Is this cheating? Watching porn and masturbating?
>“Well how much do you know”
That’s where I’d be done. I’m not usually in the “you always have to break up if there’s infidelity” crowd, but my thoughts are usually this: Did they come clean on their own? Did they put everything on the table? And what are they doing to rebuild the trust?
He won’t let you know more than what you already knew. He deleted messages. He never took accountability. He is doing nothing to rebuild the trust. There’s no way to move forward when he just wants to sweep everything under the rug. It might have been forgivable, but you’ll never know the extent of it and he seems intent on just hiding things better.
Sorry to hear this, What happened to your friend why didn’t she ever mention “hey your dude is following my OF” could of shut it down way sooner ?? I question the intention of your friend and he cheated there’s no going back unless you wanna take the long rocky hill up. I’m 27 most of my relationships have lasted about 5 years and then you find differences and also become different people in that time. Time is also the healer of greatness so I would focus on what’s going on with you on the inside and time for a lot of self care. Best of luck.
Only use him for his money drain him financially then start dating elsewhere – spend all the money all of it, refinance the house, start buying your own house with the refinance, literally do everything possible to fuck his finances
Definitely cheating … I’d be devastated! End it, he is getting off to other women online in a more personal sense and he is perving over your friend. It’s wrong ok so many levels. It’s not like porn where it’s paid actors and you don’t speak to them. Trust is gone, move on please. He doesn’t show remorse
Hes playing the victim card. He cheated and doesn’t want to “relive it”? Wtf. No leave his ass. He’s not sorry. He sounds narcissistic and doesn’t give a fuck. He asked how much you knew? Why? Probably because he wanted to see how much he could deny. He’ll do it again if you stay.
What a confusing title! So your best friend isn’t at fault at all and had no idea he was subscribed? Your husband is a creep but your best friend isn’t at fault
How much do you know?
Trickle truther’s playbook
Leave now. Before children. He cheated on you, wich is bad by itself but what i think is the real problem is how he handled it. I dont think he is trustworthy. He crossed some very obvious boundaries that every couple has implied when get married. You are way too young to settle with someone like that. I promise you something better is down the line for you, way better than him and way better than this. Leave.
Yep, it’s over. Call it and move on to greener pastures.
Sounds like a lot to process why not go to counseling
Did he even apologise ?
Get a divorce. He doesn’t hold the same integrity you expected anymore. After this, it’ll just snowball
Feels like you do know what to do, it’s just hard and you wish you had something else you had to do instead. Or maybe you just wish you had a husband who wasn’t this way. But ultimately you’ll be miserable until you accept the reality you live in and the things you know you have to do.
You’re both so young and you’ve only experienced a relationship with this man. He’s a terrible partner and you could have it so much better. IMO leave.
You already know what you need to do but you don’t want to rip the plaster off
> For some background we’ve been together since I was 17 (5 yrs) and we got married a year ago.
I am sorry for this, but someone marrying this young with your highschool sweetheart is basically a receipt for disaster. Yes, in some cases it works and you see this magical stories of “boy meets girl and they live happily ever after” but in most cases isn’t like that. You see people from your age going on multiple dates, travelling, not caring if they have to be home early, no satisfactions to other people, no mortgages to pay… the “What If?” feeling is just to strong for you to resist.
And of course, You shouldn’t forgive him for cheating and just leave because your marriage is already doomed. It will happen again and you’ll lose the best years of your life in a miserable relationship.
Your young. Don’t waste your 20s and life on a cheater.
Hun, he isn’t even admitting to it, no apology, treating you like your a nuisance because you want ti discuss his shitty behaviour. So yes you leave, but before you say or do anything you go talk to a divorce lawyer, and you take that manipulative little arsehole for everything you can get.
then you go on and live your best life.
Jesus Christ, girl. You are 22 years old and one year into your marriage – he should be obsessed with you. It’s not going to get better with him. This is it.
Don’t waste your youth with a man that is entirely uninterested in you. You deserve more.
And if your best friend knows that was your husband, then lose her. If she didn’t know, then this friendship can be salvageable….but not the marriage.