(25F) (28M) We’ve been together for around 5 years. We’re living together and in a serious relationship. She missed her period last month and turns out she’s pregnant. She takes birth control pills but it seems like it didn’t work as it supposed to. She doesn’t want to keep the baby cause she says pregnancy is too hard and she’s not ready for it. We’re more than okey financially so we can afford the baby. I’d literally be a stay at home dad if necessary. I know it’s her body and her choice but it’s my baby aswell and I’m ready to be a dad. I’m sad and upset. I don’t know if I could stay with her if she proceeds with the abortion. Last month we had a serious talk about the future and she said she wanted to get married soon and have kids aswell. Was she just leading me on? I don’t know how to proceed.
34 comments
> Was she just leading me on?
Not likely. It sounds like she still wants those things, but not right now and not in that order.
You of course are free to feel how you want. But I don’t think Olin your talks of parenthood, was a “surprise” baby an option
It’s a tough situation.
At 25, she probably DOES want to get married and have kids, in that order, and not right now.
You’ve been together 5 years and you haven’t proposed so…I can appreciate that to her, you guys aren’t in the right space to be having a child. And getting married due to a pregnancy probably isn’t her bag.
If you want a wife and kids, marry someone. And then have kids.
You get to feel how you feel but it’s kind of odd to me that you feel she has a commitment to you to have a pregnancy and raise a child or else you’ll leave but you’ve done nothing to formalize the relationship.
It’s her choice so don’t pressure her. She was probably just not taking her bc properly btw. It happens especially when you’re nutting inside her for 5 years.
She doesn’t sound like she’s leading you on. And you’re kind of making things terrible with your “if you get an abortion I’m leaving you” nonsense.
She’s not ready for multiple reasons. You’re not actually married for example. She’d probably want to be married first before getting pregnant. Another issue is the baby will tear her body up and get her stretch marks etc. She probably wants time to be married to you without kids first to enjoy all stages of the relationship/life.
Don’t throw away years because you decide not to stand with her through a tough moment. Be there and support her.
Well you aren’t married. I’m guessing she wanted to be married before having children.
I’m also curious what you think mean by can financially afford it. People seem to have different ideas on how much money you need.
She’s only 25, she’s not ready to be a mom. You can’t force her to have the kid but you have every right to break up
Pregnancy puts a massive strain on the body, and changes it permanently. There’s so many risks to your health while carrying and delivering that are unpredictable. People’s immune system changes, you can get diabetes, depression, circulation issues. Not to mention the pain of carrying it around and the risk of tearing, major surgery, and even death when the baby is due. Then you also have to be in the best place mentally so you can adjust to the massive changes you’ll be seeing in the mirror. If she kept it, there’s no guarantee you wouldn’t lose it through miscarriage or stillbirth. Yes it would eventually develop into a baby that would fathered by you, but she said she wants kids and this isn’t the only opportunity you will have so this isn’t the be all and end all. She needs to be sure she’s ready and you should want that for her too, would you seriously rather not have her in your life at all?
If y’all were ready to have kids you would’ve talked about it, come to that decision, and she would no longer be on BC.
That didn’t happen
There are so many posts on this sub where a woman got pregnant before marriage and then the man just literally never married her. We constantly see posts with titles like “2 kids and 10 years later and no ring.”
She probably wants to be intentional and do things in order so she won’t find herself in this situation. Engagement, then marriage, then baby.
I don’t think it means she’s leading you on if she doesn’t want to carry the accidental pregnancy to term.
Being a parent is tough on the individuals and in the relationship. Additionally, the child didn’t ask to be born so don’t force a situation in which the baby would be brought to the World and have to be raised by a mom who wasn’t ready.
If you are ready to be a dad that’s good for you but you need both of you ready if the goal is to raise the kid together.
While I do understand that men have feelings of fatherhood and needs, the toll it takes on a woman’s body makes it her decision.
Pregnancy is a special-circumstance exception to the general rule, that in a serious relationship, life-changing decisions require two Yes votes, or there’s no deal. Whether she carries or aborts, the sacrifices fall to the woman, so she makes the final call. You still get to have an opinion, and if you’ve been misled, you have just cause to object.
In your case, I wouldn’t presume you’ve been misled. Chances are she wants a well-planned pregnancy. Ask her what that looks like to her, and you’ll very likely see why she doesn’t think it’s time yet.
If it’s not something you can emotionally handle then you have the right to leave. If you’re going to resent her for the rest of your lives, then you won’t be happy with her and she for sure wouldn’t be happy either because how you treat her and feel about her will change.
You’ve got no say in it at this point. If she wants to have her dream wedding before she has kids, she has the right to that. It’s a terrible situation to be in, it’s a real life nightmare and I’m sorry you’re goin through it. Hope you and your Gf are able to find peace in a time like this OP
If she has it it’ll be better to end things as it can lead to resentment
An unplanned pregnancy it is pretty terrifying and stressful for anyone. Even if you’re in a good place financially. Seeing as you were recently talking about marriage and having kids, she may be just freaking out. Aside from the stress of finding out she’s pregnant unexpectedly, her hormones are already out of whack from the pregnancy.
Be there for her. Listen to her, talk to her, give her comfort. Help ease whatever fears and anxieties she has. This is a time for the both of you to open up emotionally. Because this is a decision she should not rush into making, or make based out of fear. Once it’s done there’s no going back.
Ultimately if this is something that you cannot be supportive of and it changes how you feel in terms of being with her, that is your choice, too.
You get a therapist or find some form of counseling to discuss feelings. That way you still have an outlet for support and a professional who can maybe help you tell your girl that you are sad she’s going to have an abortion and want a chance to share your feelings for support as well.
As for her reasoning it does make sense, you arent yet married, she wants thing to be planned not unplanned. Also. Birth isnt like. A wonderful experience. Sure you get a child you love after it all. but actually being pregnant and giving birth is not fun and can easily turn deadly.
You being ready to be a father isn’t the same thing as your GF being ready to be a mother, since your GF is the one who would have to carry and birth the child. Pregnancy can have long-lasting physical and mental effects. If your GF isn’t ready to go through pregnancy, she should be able to terminate it. You don’t have to stay with her if that isn’t something you’re comfortable with. In the future, you should make sure women you date are on the same page as you in regards to abortion.
I doubt your GF was lying to you when she said she wanted to have kids “soon.” Soon is not now, and like others have said, if y’all were ready for a child you would have gone off birth control.
Reading all your comments, it seems like you won’t be able to move past this. Break up and move on with someone who wants kids ASAP like you do. If she feels forced to go along with this, the resentment from her will never go away either, especially if there are complications/long term health consequences. I don’t see an easy solution to this besides move on with someone who aligns with what you want.
Wanting kids in the future isn’t the same as wanting kids *now*. That isn’t leading you on.
I understand it’s upsetting — that’s only natural. I can guarantee you this isn’t something that’s just an idle thought, or an easy decision on her part either.
You might be ready to be a dad, but that doesn’t mean she’s ready to be a mom, and all that entails — pregnancy isn’t just ‘hard’. It can be hell on the body and change the body forever (in both form *and* function). It’s life altering, and in fact can be life threatening.
This is in addition to the commitment issues that others in this post have brought up.
Well unfortunately it’s her call at the end of the day. She’ll resent the hell out of you if she feels forced by you to keep the baby.
Just state that you’d love to raise a baby with her, but you support whatever she chooses to do.
So, I don’t think most of the people here have been pregnant, so here’s my standpoint as someone with an almost 7 month old and pregnant with #2 (long story). Pregnancy can fuck you up mentally and physically. I had so many issues with my first born, and now even more with this one. Ppd sucks, you can lose teeth, I have sciatica that makes it to where I can barely get up in the morning without crying. It could be that she isn’t completely ready to go through that right this second. She could be waiting for y’all to get married first. There could be hundreds of reasons she’s waiting, but above all, be aware that it is her choice. You’re allowed to be upset if she aborts, but don’t make her feel like shit about her choice. Talk about it together so you can at least let her know your feelings, and you’ll get to hear hers too
I’m assuming by wanting to get married soon and have kids soon, meant having kids *after* getting married in the near future. Just because she isn’t ready now doesn’t mean she won’t be ready eventually.
If you two were ready for a baby *now*, she wouldn’t have been on birth control. And even if she gets an abortion now, it’s not like you can’t have children in the future.
More people need to be honest like her when they know they aren’t ready to bring a child into this world. It’s better to have kids when you’re **both** ready for this. Pregnancy is a big decision for a woman, it involves a lot of physical and mental changes, hormonal changes, etc. And she may just not be prepared for it right now, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
You need to have a genuine conversation with her about this, because if this is a deal breaker for you, then you need to be up front. But know that you cannot convince her to have this child.
Some things can be addressed, some things can be compromised, but choosing to continue a pregnancy or not isn’t one of them.
The big problem I see? Your relationship is almost certainly going to end over this. If she has an abortion, you’re going to resent her. If she has the baby because of how you feel, she’s going to end up resenting you AND the child.
There is a BIG difference between I want to get married and have kids “soon” vs right this minute.
She likely wasn’t lying or misleading.
Getting engaged usually means planning a wedding, that takes months, then settling to being married, a while longer. She was likely thinking a baby would come a couple years from now. Not 9 months.
She isn’t a bad person for saying she isn’t ready. You aren’t a bad person for wanting the baby. You only become the bad person if you try to manipulate or guilt her into having a baby she’s already decided not to.
It’s been 5 years and you’ve not proposed and she likely wants to do the wedding first and settle into married life, maybe buy a home or move to a bigger rental, etc before having a baby. She isn’t ready and that is okay and reasonable.
You’re crazy man. You two didn’t decide on having a kid so let her have the abortion. No arguments.
The world is a scary place right now, we are just out of one pandemic into a new one.
I have kids and am living this right now.
I wish I could give them more but this world isn’t built of actually wanting kids involved.
It’s okay to want kids but understand now may really not b the best time.
To be blunt, break up or get over it and support her choice. Just because *you’re* ready does not mean she is. She will bear the hardest parts no matter what, pains and dangers you can’t even imagine. If she’s not ready for that, then that’s that.
She likely does want to marry you and have kids, now just isn’t the time for that.
You can be sad. That’s valid. You can also decide that you can’t continue the relationship if she does go through with it and terminate. That’s also valid and would be your choice. What you can’t do is have any say over what she does. There’s no “I know it’s her choice but…” It’s her choice, full stop.
The fact that she told you she’d like to get married and have children doesn’t mean she wants to have a baby right now. It doesn’t mean she was leading you on.
No dude, it’s not your baby as well. Pregnancy is hard and risky, and she’s the one who has to be pregnant, not you. Women still die during childbirth, and she’s the one who has to go through it, not you. If you’re so pressed about this now, why hadn’t you proposed? And even if you had, she’s still pretty young, there’s plenty of time to raise a family. Her wants, her ambitions, her plans are still important.
Also, you mention that she’s on BC, but you don’t mention wearing condoms. I know that in a serious, monogamous relationship that might seem redundant, but expecting your partner to shoulder the load of contraception alone is a dick move. Birth control is a two-partner responsibility.
Honestly only you can make this choice. If she decides to go get an abortion, Than support her decision because you can’t stop her. However, if you can’t stay with her after she does that wait until she has healed and is back on her feet and leave.
Getting married and planning to get pregnant is very different than being pregnant accidentally. She said she is not ready mentally and physically to have a baby.
Being a stay at home dad … ok. But you are not being pregnant 9 months, have your hormones go crazy during and AFTER pregnancy, breastfeeding which hurts and is constant, healing from the pregnancy and delivery, potential post-partum depression, etc.
Being a stay at home dad is basically changing diapers, giving a bottle (but not producing the milk), putting the baby to sleep, etc. It’s work but it’s not the work she is going to put herself and her body through. If she is not ready, she could get sick and take a long time to get out of it.
you were on birth control for a reason, so you don’t have a baby, unless you guys talked about it beforehand, you both understood that you both didn’t want to have a baby, as much as you think you are ready, she is not, and to have a baby, you need to have parents that both want that baby. not one or the other
Men go through a grieving period after an abortion occurs especially if they really wanted the baby. Her body is her choice, and it will be how she treats you in the grieving process later that will matter most. Also silly on both parts to rely solely on birth control nothing is 100 percent foolproof no more blowing a gasket in the engine if no ones ready you know…. Good luck man hope whatever happens it works out for you
All I have to say is…can someone find this dumbasses girlfriend to show her his comments on this thread because they’re super concerning on what she gets to do to her own body. I would run for the hills and never look back if I saw my SO commenting what he’s currently commenting. You don’t get a say in what she chooses to do to her own body. It’s called bodily autonomy. Look it up and after you’re done reading about it, shut up 🤪
Pregnancy could kill her, of she is not ready to have that side effect, that’s more than valid. You can froze that embryo if you are so attach to the cells. But please, don’t force her to have a child when she is not ready, she could resent you for life.
Man, reading all your comments….. so glad I’m not your girlfriend.
The inviolable rule is: Her body, her choice.
The corollary: Your relationship, your choice.
If this means you have to start looking for an alternative relationship, that’s sad, but that’s the way your respective choices lead you.