I apologize for how long this post is going to be!
Last month, a friend (whom I considered to be very close to), became quite angry with me over text message as I cancelled plans only a couple days before we were supposed to spend time together. I quickly recanted when I realized that I had misunderstood my schedule and that I would be able to hang out, but she was already livid and decided to use this opportunity to air her bottled up grievances about my flakiness, and how she can usually expect me to cancel anytime plans are made. There was a slight threat in these messages as well in regards to not wanting to be friends with me for this reason. Of course, I apologized that I made her feel this way, but also gently asked her if she could provide an example of a time when I had flaked on her, as I honestly could not remember the last time I did. As a result of the pandemic for the past two years, I wasn’t hanging out with a lot of friends in general, and could certainly remember the times that we hung out. And because they were so few, and I remember being there for all the times that she had wanted to meet up. She was not able to provide a concrete example, and merely said that “there must have been a history of this for me to feel this way.”
As a generality, whenever someone tells me that I’ve hurt or upset them, I genuinely try to put myself in their shoes before becoming defensive. I try to look back at any of my possible past offences and understand where they are coming from. But in this case, I found it difficult to go through that process as my friend was not providing me with any concrete instances in which I could examine my behaviour and learn from it (and ask forgiveness for it!)
I expressed in these conversations that I was admittedly struggling mentally, and while I did not want to use that as an excuse as to why I wasn’t more respectful of her time, that I had been going through a lot and struggling to open up to anyone about it, until things became bad. As one result, I had become disorganized with my schedule. She acknowledged that while I’m not obligated to tell anyone anything, that as my friend, she felt hurt that I didn’t come to her with these issues before the worsened. I agreed that I did want to be more open moving forward.
In any case, I knew that she was still hurting, so I genuinely apologized and asked if I could have the opportunity to work on this, as I valued our friendship very much. While I was feeling real remorse for having made her feel like I wasn’t valuing our friendship or her time, it nagged at me that she had completely exploded at me throughout this whole discussion. The words and phrasing she used were cold and laced only with anger. I struggled to comprehend if a lack of compassion or a seeming desire to understand me, was warranted, given how I made her feel.
We eventually met up a couple of days later and seemingly made up. I was ready to delve deeper into a discussion about our friendship, but she was oddly cool about it all and told me that she had said everything she needed to say over text. We had what seemed like a regular hangout, in which we were able to joke around and just talk about life.
Earlier this June, she mentioned (over text) that she and her partner were solidifying plans of moving in together. She mentioned her stresses and grievances about finances, her partner’s readiness to be independent from his parents, and other expected points of discussion in relation to a major milestone related to moving in with a partner for the first time. Of course, I was happy and excited for them, and I also wanted to take this opportunity to show my support for her as a friend because we had just gone through a rocky time last month. I asked her several questions over text about the location/neighbourhood that they found their condo in, if they’ve gotten furniture yet, etc. All of these messages were responded to days later, and often in a very short manner.
To my shock yesterday, she texted me to say that she was bothered by my line of questioning. She said that it sounded like I was doing “research” on how much she and her partner were paying, and that made her uncomfortable. When I expressed that that was not my intention at all and that I was merely curious and wanting to know more, she wasn’t willing to accept this. She brought up an occurrence that happened in January, in which she had landed a new job, and I had sent her a pay scale grid, asking her if she was making the salary that I was seeing on this pay scale. She mentioned that she was put off by this, and that in fact, she did not even want to tell me exactly which position she got, because she “knew” I would do something invasive like this. I profusely apologized for having overstepped that boundary and expressed that I did not realize that this was something that could have the potential to offend her. The thing is, no boundary about finances had been previously established. In fact, we would often discuss quite candidly about salaries and financial situations, so it didn’t even cross my mind that bringing up her new salary was not something she would be okay with.
I was incredibly hurt that someone whom I thought was a good, close friend, would jump to the conclusion that I was trying to invade her financial privacy. I wasn’t even worth the benefit of the doubt anymore for her.
She expressed to me that at the foundation of it all, she doesn’t trust me anymore and that she’s wary of me. When I asked her why, she could not provide any particular reason. She merely said that there must have been instances throughout our 7 years of friendship that have culminated in her feeling this way towards me. I asked if it was because of my history of being a closed book until things got really bad, and she said she didn’t know. I asked if it was because there were some major trips/opportunities that she thought we could do together that I ultimately ended up backing away from (within a reasonable time frame), and she said she wasn’t sure. She plainly expressed that this friendship was not worth her time or effort anymore to repair, and that she trusted her gut feeling about me being distrustful or dishonest.
I had felt over a period of time that she was pulling away, but I assumed it was merely because we were growing apart and that my lifestyle (of working a lot) and schedule were becoming incompatible with what she needed from a close friend. I feel shell-shocked. I did not expect this, and certainly did not expect that she would bash my character and approach this in such a seething manner. It shakes me to my core that she has been feeling like this even prior to last month’s initial confrontation, and that any semblance of care or affection was either falsified or forced.
If you’ve read this far, I’m so grateful to you. If you have advice or insight in regards to how I can move forward from this, I would so deeply appreciate it.
3 comments
Well, you’re quite the writer haha. 🙂 That was an interesting read. I think you did just about everything you can. Amongst my friends, we cancel plans even in the same morning which I find totally reasonable ’cause we don’t know how we’ll feel when the day comes. So the fact that you cancelled a couple days prior sounds decent to me.
Also, for anyone struggling mentally, it can be very difficult to hangout, but you’re still trying to out in the effort to make it work.
I’m not sure if your friend is generally paranoid, but it seems like both of you have been going through some rough times.
Hope you’re going to be alright though. Hang in there. The friendship may not be entirely dead, maybe in some time you’ll get to speak again or you meet new people who share similar experiences. 🙂
Some people just lack the emotional maturity to control their own emotions, so they start trying to control other people’s behavior. They use the most tenuous reasons they can find to justify why they are not happy with the way you are treating them or talking to them. There’s always something you shouldn’t have asked or said, which oddly, only applies to them. But if you asked anyone else, everyone seems fine with what you said or the way you said it.
People like your friend, they guilt trip you, gaslight you and hold you emotionally hostage. Sometimes, they don’t even realise that is what they are doing. They are too immature to see it even if you try to reason or explain it to them. The best thing you can do for yourself and them is to walk away.
I was in a toxic co-dependent relationship for almost 5 years where I felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells. I could never tell when she would get mad me for something I said or the way I said it because of how hypersensitive she was. Your friend sounds exactly like my ex. It was hard for me to end the relationship as we were living together, but eventually I couldn’t take her bullshit anymore and ended it. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Don’t waste time on people who are toxic.
Tbh, she is not your friend. She is a petulant child trying to make you into her hand puppet.
Fuck her feelings.
That sucks. But this is why you never ever heavily invest in one person, no matter how close you are to them. Now is the time you need to focus on becoming genuinely busy in life pursuing your goals and hobbies, while learning how to interact with other people on the side. Easiest way to get started is to find some kind of activity you enjoy doing and keep doing it overtime. You will build self esteem and self confidence. Chase excellence, not people.