Him and I are both the same age (28M/F) and have been together for 8 years, and known each other for 14 years. We’re the best of friends and we’re engaged now, getting married next year. We rarely have problems in our relationship, and if problems do arise, we can usually talk it out and reason together. My only problem is that he has a much lower sexual drive than I do.
He talks about sex all the time, and he’s generally into anything and everything and is willing to try anything as well, but in the end, he’s mostly all talk. He may talk about sex fantasies while on a date, or teasing me throughout the day, but when it comes to the bedroom, he just falls asleep while I expected him to act on it. In the end, we only have sex maybe once every week or two weeks. It’s just too little for me (personally.)
I’ve talked to him about it a few times, but it’s usually cause he says he’s just too tired in the end. I understand that, but having it happen every other day, especially after dates or on our few days off, it gets a bit sad. I also didn’t want to sound too serious and I’m not technically upset at him, but I didn’t want it to feel like I was only into sex. The times when we actually do engage in it, he rarely goes on for too long and he cums a bit too early for me, and ends up going straight to sleep afterwards. It wasn’t always like this, and it was definitely more plentiful before and lasted longer, but he just says it’s cause he’s getting older. I don’t feel like 28 is too old, though, and he has no problems fertility wise, and he’s able to get up quite quickly and easily. I just feel like it’s more of a chore for him now than before.
Do I just have too much expectations? Or does he not want to do things with me for other reasons? Have you been in his position before, and can maybe explain what he can be feeling?
TL;DR: He teases about sex all day, but rarely acts on it.
14 comments
To be completely honest, my girlfriend wore this romper one day and we had sex like 4 times that day. My caveman brain really liked it for some reason, I’m attempting to say maybe you could change up what you wear casually to get him more interested.
Just a thought, maybe helpful, maybe not.
What else is going on in his life? Has he been to a doctor to see if there’s any medical issue?
I’ve experienced something similar with my wife. Her libido is much lower than mine and it’s not uncommon for us to have sex once ever couple of weeks. The best thing to do is have an open dialogue about it and try to find a solution that works for both parties.
He’s probably gotten comfortable with you and guys also get pretty tired after sex, if he’s okay with you masturbating then problem solved!
I think it’s ok to make it sound serious if it is a serious issue for you. He deserves to know how you feel in entirety. It may be that he just doesn’t want to have sex more often than you are now but it could be that he wants to or is at least willing to make it more of a priority.
I would also recommend initiating at times when he’s less likely to be tired and communicate when you’re sharing fantasies that you would like to follow through with them when you get home. That way he understands your expectations and can meet them or let you down sooner with less time for anticipation.
You’ve been together 8 years. This might be his baseline.
Dealing with the same thing with my wife. Chats all day about what she wants and when we get home it’s like the conversations never took place. Frustrating as fuck. Wish I had a answer for you but looking for one myself.
You either learn to live with it, make a deal for outside sex, or leave.
Look up Dan Savage’s article about “fucking first”. Tl;dr have sex first before he gets all exhausted from going out.
Sounds like a combination of factors. A social expectation that men should be very excited to talk about sex, combined with a man who has naturally a lower sex drive. He probably puffs up his chest and boasts because it’s culturally expected of him, but deep down he’s probably satisfied with less sex than you are.
One way to handle it is with toys. I mean you could always enjoy yourself, plenty of happily married couples have one partner with a much higher sex drive than the other. That’s why there’s an entire industry around sex toys nowadays.
Maybe introduce toys? This is an issue in my relationship so I got a vibrator. Maybe he’ll be open to watching you use it on yourself.
Can you plan for sex in the morning/afternoons on your days off? Or before dinner on weeknights? I’ve definitely experienced getting horny and sexting my bf in the middle of the day, but having both of our energy for that wane by the end of the day after work and chores and a big meal.
I also am not shy about initiating, and that was helpful in the second half of my 7 year relationship. Also embracing oral, toys, and hand stuff on days when we might be too busy/tired for a long, involved session.
Hi I am also in a long term relationship where this problem occurs here and there. Usually it happens at the same time as one of us is getting really into a hobby/activity (gaming, reading, what have you) and our brains just crave the dopamine from that instead of sleeping together.
My partners solution to this, which works 98% of the time and that I have adopted as well, is a combination of these steps:
1. Do NOT wait until bedtime
2. Go in the shower immediately before you wanna get some
3. Tell your partner to go in the shower before or after you
4. ????
5. Now you are both naked and clean, it’s easy to do it, have a little rest, and then continue with your day after.
I always prefer a midday or before dinner thing, rather than at night. At night I already have a 100 things to prepare for tomorrow. At five? The alternative is literally just being on my phone.
Why dont you have sex during the day or early in the evening, when he’s not as tired?