I’ve been in an official relationship with him now for just over 3 months. For a bit of background – He came to my country for 6 months of work training. To be honest, we did have sex on the first date, both of us never intended to get in a relationship at all – but we really clicked and fell for each other really quick. Shortly a few days later we had a conversation about the amount of sexual partners we’d had in our lifetime and he admitted that I was only his 3rd and prior to moving to my country for work, he was saving himself for marriage. He is a Born-again Christian.
Since the start and up until about 2 weeks ago we had very regular sex that was really great. But now it’s time for him to head back to his home country, which I am also going to be moving to go home with him. Recently his parents have had a lot of input about decisions we are making in our relationship and how they need to align with what the bible says. I would say since he left his country he has definitely back slidden from his religion and now that it’s time to go home – he’s feeling bad about his decisions and wants to return to his usual life of abstinence. I already talked to him about how I appreciate parents input but we are adults and our decision making is ultimately up to us – as they seem a little controlling.
I am not a person of faith myself but have been attending church with him and have been learning about his religion so I can understand his decision making, and also understand where his parents are coming from. At first I was quite upset that we couldn’t live together when I move because we had kind of planned it that way, him not realising that due to his religion we wouldn’t be allowed to until marriage. But I came around to it after wanting to respect his religion and also realising it’s a bit soon to live together just yet anyway.
But for me – the thing that has me divided is that it seems that his whole persona has changed from when I originally met him and the person I got to know over the first two months. I had discussed this with him and I told him that it’s unfair for him to make this decision to abstain on his own, and that ultimately it’s something we need to decide on together as I am a highly sexual person and I feel this may hinder our relationship slightly as it will take time for me to adjust. I have been in 2 relationships prior to this (2.5 years and (4.5 years) and I’ve never not had sex with the person who I love. The last few times I’ve tried to make a move on him he has kind of rejected me and tried to move onto another topic. Honestly it terrifies me to even try and abstain from sex because I’ve never done it before.
Preferably I would like some advice from people who have been in a similar situation, but all advice is appreciated.
If you can let me know what you did/how you got through this situation/if it worked or didn’t work.
Thanks.
TL;DR! My boyfriend who has backslidden from his religion has decided he is going to focus on practicing his faith properly again and I’m afraid what is going to happen to our relationship as this will alter our sex life.
7 comments
Can you say what religion he is?
– You are wrong; it’s his decision what to do with his body and if he wants to have sex. He absolutely can make the decision to abstain on his own. However, you have the right to decide if you want to be in a sexless relationship and, on your own, can decide to end the relationship.
– I think it’s absolutely crazy that you are leaving the country to be with a guy you know since only three months, to the point that you originally wanted to move in with him. Even without his parents meddling, you don’t truly know someone after three months.
– Don’t blame this on the parents. Yes, they raised him, but he is the one who is letting them meddle in whatever way or form they are meddling. He’s an adult, he could draw boundaries. I understand that, depending on the culture, he might feel genuinely unable to do so. However, the fact remains that in these cases, there’s always those who do something (the parents) and the one(s) who let it happen (in this case, your boyfriend). He could stand up to them, cut them off, whatever. But no. This is his choice. He decided to let them make the call. He decided to abstain. Don’t blame this on the parents because it’s easier to be mad at them than to accept that your boyfriend doesn’t want to live with you/have sex with you.
You’re not obligated to stay with someone when they do a full 180 like this. I call bullshit on his saving himself till marriage. Guy sounds like he’s full of shit and is playing some sort of game.
I’m sorry he’s a born again, they’re insufferable in my experience.
His whole persona changed? That’s all the red flag you need.
Nevermind that you’ve turned out to have different preferences with regards to what happens in a relationship. This just makes you incompatible. Break-up-worthy incompatibility right here.
But a persona-change? Nope. People don’t change like that. Not at their core. He was always like this, but was pretending to be otherwise. For whatever reason. And it worked, you got with him, didn’t you?
Now he’s showing you who he really is, and you must disregard everything you thought you knew about him and decide whether the person he is turning out to be is a suitable partner for you. Doesn’t sound like it to me, but that’s your decision obviously.
So he’s no longer the same person you started dating, he’s now a born again Christian and he’s working on living that life. That doesn’t seem to be working for you which means you two are now fundamentally incompatible.
If your sex wants and desires aren’t being met in this relationship then you need to find a partner to meet that. Or, you suck it up and deal with the fact he now wants to wait until marriage. You have zero say in this, I really hope you understand that.
His parents are his to deal with, not yours.
I think you can not be fully happy with a sexless life anyway if you’re a “highly sexual person” so in my opinion it doesn’t even make any sense to continue this relationship
Run. This guy will only bring pain.