My gf (F28) and myself (M32) have been together for 4 years, we have two awesome kids and our relationship for the most part is okay.
One major problem is she has a much higher sex drive than me. We’re talking a lot more. She feels terrible and feels rejected when I don’t want to, which in turn makes me feel bad and recluse even more.
We’ve had talks. We go to counseling. But I can’t seem to increase my sex drive. I take meds for depression, but this problem was here before then.
When we do have sex it is awesome and we’re both satisfied. I find her highly attractive and love pleasing her and she me. But it isn’t often enough
Here’s the kicker… when she becomes distant or threatens to leave, I become way more active.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Please help.
TL DR My girlfriend has a healthier higher sex drive and it’s ruining our relationship.
4 comments
Unfortunately, drastic differences in libido are often the death toll of a relationship. There is nothing you can do to increase yourself, and nothing she can do to lower hers. You’ve hit every point you were supposed to, so your decision now is accept how things are now or leave.
You’re turned on by the pain of potentially breaking the attachment with her. You find your passion when you think she’s leaving. You two have a strange game going here. Her threatening to leave is a BS move though. Controlling.
Sex is important in a committed relationship. We give up one thing when we enter a committed relationship. That one thing is the option to be intimate with anyone else. Mismatched libidos can be a problem.
Now, it can work out too. But, you have to be there for the other person (within reason). So like, my man likes sex/intimacy almost daily. I’m good with 2 or 3 times a week. So, I know this (because he expressed his needs to me). So, we have sex a few times a week. But, if he is wanting intimacy, and I am not in the mood for actual sex, I will still help him out. He loves being rimmed, so that is easy for me to do, and he masturbates and it is pretty quick. I don’t have to be ‘in the mood’ to lick some skin for a few minutes.
Maybe there is something you could do for her? Toys, fingers, tongue, etc..
Are there non-sexual activities that allow you to connect so the sex isn’t the focus, but leads to closeness, which naturally leads to sex? Things you don’t do now? Or used to?
Life w kids & everyday life obligations tends to drain me to the point that sex is the last thing on my mind. I’m not saying this is you, just thinking out loud.
Also, I started trying to see sex from her perspective, meaning, it’s a measure of sorts of how much I value her. That way (at least for me) it had nothing to do w libido or sex, if that makes sense, even though we were having sex.
I consciously think to myself how much I love this person when I even just give her a hug.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, can you “reframe” or redefine sex in your head so that it means something else you truly already feel for her now?