So me (23M) and my girlfriend (21F) have been together for 1.5 years and in the beginning of our relationship we used to have a lot of sex. She would often initiate because she was so turned on by me.
But we’ve had quite a rough time the last 6 months and without me realizing I’ve become a real pushover. I’ve done everything she asked me to.
During this time we’ve had less and less sex. She never initiates and says she has even said that she isn’t really turned on by me anymore. And I’ve been to blind to put 2 and 2 together.
She doesn’t see me as a man anymore, just a friend, I think. I know this now but I have no idea if I can ever become a man in her eyes again. I love her so much and would do anything for her, but if I want her to see me as the man I once was I can’t be the same as I am right now
Any tips on how to make her see me as more manly and attractive again
19 comments
Got to elaborate a little. Why doesn’t she see you as a man? Something specific you did?
Take initiative, take lead, work out (good for testosterone, dopamine etc production). She’s attracted to masculinity or whatever that idea means to her, and probably needs you to be a little more dominant
Options-
1- Stage some sort of “Miraculous Manly Comeback”. I don’t know what this would involve. Becoming a lumberjack, growing a beard, going to the gym, and/or slaying some wooly mammoths maybe. ::touches earpiece:: I’m getting some bad news on that Wooly Mammoth part.
2- If your core personalities have faded and the fire has gone out, could always call it and find people who have a core connection with that’s closer to success without changing.
If you’re “un-manly” at heart (whatever that means), that’s OK, but it’ll go smoother if you find a partner who likes you that way instead of finds it a turn-off.
Who broke up with who? Feels like she probably initiated it, right? She was over it months ago . This isn’t going to ever get back to you and her in a good relationship ever again. Got to accept its over and do yourself a favor and move on.
You could be bad/boring at sex and she got tired of pretending to like it
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We may need more information to help you with this issue, but for now what I believe you are describing is simply a natural loss of sexual interest in you as a partner.
I do NOT mean to be brutal here, (and remember that what we bring to you is our opinions in hopes of helping you. :)) but it is ABSOLUTELY normal for sexual attraction to fade over time. It is something that gets lost eventually and can often lead to breakups, often among married couples.
Love and Attraction are NOT the same thing. When a woman no longer feels sexual attraction, the best thing a Man can do is RESPECT IT. This means no longer pushing the issue, giving her room to distance herself, and for that man to change the tone of the relationship.
When the above occurs, and you respect the fact that she is no longer interested, you prove a dimension of maturity to her and to yourself. It’s true that doing so may mean you break up. It may even mean she will have extremely intense orgasms with a completely different man now… BUT THATS HER LIFE.
We MUST RESPECT women and their ability to freely love whoever they choose whenever they feel that power within them. I suggest you give her space, and possibly consider distancing yourself from her for a while.
You got friend-zoned? Then stop acting like a friend. Flirt with her, let her know you want her, that you’re thinking about her. But dont sound too needy lol. Women want to feel attractive and wanted.
Nothing wrong with doing the things your girl wants, but you need to do your own thing too. If you dont work out, then start! It’s hot when a guy have some muscle. Maybe that would make you feel more attractive.
If you want to be a caretaker in a relationships then sure do whatever to please her, however, if you want to be a partner, then you need to both share responsibility of your existance, have boundries, split tasks, goals, aim. You do not have to be the caretaker to have a girlfriend to have sex. It is not equal relationship. Take care of yourself and let her take care of herself.
Give yourself some time and things will turn around if you stop being the caretaker in relationships and start being a partner.
Watch some Jordan Peterson on relationships.
You can’t force someone to love you.
People and hearts are not prizes to be won.
There could be a myriad of reasons she wanted to breakup, so don’t go into a weird insecurity/toxic masculinity spiral about it. If you won’t listen and respect her decision about wanting to breakup, cheating probably seemed like a sure-fire way to get out. Yet somehow it didn’t work?
She’s just not into you anymore, and that’s okay. Young lovers often grow apart. Let her go. Do some healing time and inner work on those insecurities. Becoming a better, secure, healthy person (*not* a Super Manly Man or caricature thereof) will attract more compatible people to you.
Always remember: taking your ex back is like trying to shove poop back up your butt.
Depending on that reply comment, you are in a bad relationship and I’m pretty sure it’s past the point of solving. This isn’t your fault, she cheated on you and you deserve better. Try to get a clean break and move on as best as you can. Don’t try to fix it, it will be at your own expense
I’m going to be honest and rather blunt, so forgive me, but:
From one of your comments below, you say that she had an affair. Forget that you broke down in her arms, begging her to stay, it was a full-on affair, not just a one-time cheating; you say she was “seeing” another guy. She was making a conscious series of choices to continuously see someone else while in a relationship with you. WHY do you still love her and want to be with her? She has shown you a huge level of disrespect and the reason she now doesn’t respect you – if she ever did in the first place (stop me if you’ve heard this set up before: woman entices man in with plenty of sex, hooking him in to make him obsessed with her, then slowly tapers the sex off once she has the man in her pocket, then proceeds to disrespect him over and over again, cheating, taking advantage of him, possibly spending his money, all the while knowing that he won’t do anything to put her in her place because he’s emotionally dependent on her).
And now you are wanting to repair your image FOR HER, NOT FOR YOURSELF. Do you have ANY self respect at all? Wouldn’t you rather work on yourself for your own sense of well being?
Here’s what I would suggest. Tell her to take a hike. Get lost. F*** off out of my life, you cheating b**** (use whatever wording you want, but you get the idea), and DO NOT BACK DOWN. She is currently so sure she can do anything she wants and you will not call her out on it and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER.
Let me be clear: having emotions and being vulnerable is NOT a bad thing. My wife is fine with me having a weak moment every now and then – and yes, I HAVE had times like you had where I broke down in her arms. The difference is that she respects me not because I have had to earn it, but because she is a decent person who gives respect until she is given a reason not to. Your girlfriend, however, deserves to be an ex – she deserved it after you found out about her affair (was it that you found out or did she tell you? My guess is that you found out, in which case another black mark against her – she was cheating AND lying to you while doing it).
You want her to see you as a man again? F*** her, see YOURSELF as a man again, by taking back your self-respect. She showed you disrespect, fine, she can do that, but then she will be shown the door. Yes it will mean you will be single again, but you need to be single and learn to love yourself so you can be ready to meet a partner who deserves you. And yes, before I met my wife I had a partner just like yours, which is why I am so insistent that you leave her now, this is all SO familiar to me. Show her that you do not need her. At the moment, she knows that you NEED her while for her, you are just a placeholder. She has ALL the power. Take the power away from her by breaking it off and walking away. You deserve 100% better than this cheating piece of work.
Good luck, I don’t know what to tell u. I sweat testosterone , when I stroke my beard or rub my hairy belly women’s panties fall off.
Try searching Kenneth Play on Pornhub and watch some instructional videos…
You need to start a new relationship (either with the same person or with a different person).
Search TEDx Esther Perel and watch her talk on desire and intimacy in committed relationships.
Dump her
She doesn’t see you as a man anymore? Well, she did cheat on you and then walked all over you. And despite what women say, a guy crying is a negative in their book (yes I’m generalizing). Pay attention to what women do, not what they say. Walk away from this trainwreck.
Well I think it’s safe to say that she’s cheated on you my friend sorry but I don’t really know how to sugar coat this well I’ve never been cheated on or in a relationship myself you still have my condolences
She likely wanted you to be more dominant in bed before she did so you might want to cut ties with her before things get worse I’ve seen relationships turn extremely sour it may be painful now but you’re probably going to thank yourself later and if you have done at it recently you might want to get yourself tested for STDS
You are confusing masculinity with sexual value, and that’s not even the problem you have in this relationship.
She cheated on you. So even before you were what you are now, she wasn’t faithful. So going back in time and being more “manly” isn’t going to fix anything. She checked out long before that. Crying didn’t change anything.
You need to come to terms with the fact this relationship is over. Move on to one that is more healthy for you. Not only can you not change how someone else sees you, you can’t blank slate their memory and make them forget things that you are embarrassed about.
Move on bud.
After reading through the replies a bit, here’s how you make her feel like you’re a man and how you get more confidence back…
Leave her. Tell her what she did was cruel and to treat you as if you were the weak one after she cheated on you was a slap in the face. Then delete her contact and block her on everything and move on with your life.
You don’t need that negativity in your life and she’s too chicken shit to leave you first because you’re easy and safe. Don’t put up with that shit. You can keep being the sensitive one in a relationship, but it sounds like she’ll never respect you for it, so… *deuces*