This is a very long post so strap in girls and gays. I am at a complete loss with this situation.
We met during our last two years of high school, we weren’t really friends until the summer after we finished when we starting hanging out more with our shared friends. During this time we discovered we were going to the same university. We were placed in the same accommodation block when we arrived and the rest was history.
During our first year have had personal ups and downs, (her – messy break up with abusive ex bf, Me – terrible mental health following a demanding course) each being there for the other when we needed someone. We have been through a lot together especially since this is our first time being away from home where we don’t know anyone else. We have discussed (many times haha) that we’ve both never had a friendship of this intensity or depth before and that we’re both so grateful to have each other.
So here’s where the trouble is. We are both bisexual. As is culture for students at uk universities, we would go clubbing 2-3 times per week and get absolutely trashed in the best way. We have such a good time, sometimes going home with guys we meet sometimes not but regardless it was always just me and her having a great time. During these nights of blind drunkenness we would confess our love for each other, as most drunk idiots do. It started out pretty innocent as we were getting to know each other and to me it always had a “I love you as a friend” type of vibe to it.
As time went on and we got closer and more comfortable with each other, the bi-weekly drunken confessions started to go in a more sexual direction.
For example I remember one of the first times it happened we were in the smoking area of a club, she was completely wasted and said to me “I honestly think you’re so hot and I would shag you”
I couldn’t believe my ears. This gorgeous smart, funny girl wants me? This pretty much sealed the deal for me from then on out. I couldn’t stop thinking about her like that. I just assumed it was the alcohol talking and that she didn’t feel like that sober and life went on. Go to lectures, go clubbing, confess sexually charged love for one another, repeat. Still I just assumed she didn’t want me sober and tried to move on.
On our last night out before going home I had pulled this guy and we chatting and kissing in the corner of the club. Because we usually go out just the two of us I was worried that she was going to be dancing on her own so I manoeuvred the guy back to the dance floor. She eventually found someone and we started dancing as a group. A while passes and we are getting progressively more drunk and veering into “I love you” territory when she approaches me, bold as brass and says “I really want to kiss you”. This was a big step up from our usual hypotheticals, as silly as it seems, so I did the only thing I could and kissed her. From what I remember it was such a bad kiss because I was so drunk but hey what can ya do. Anyway the night is still a little fuzzy but I end up going home with the original guy and she went home with hers. I wake up the next day and the guy I’m with informs me that I made out with my friend and that it was really hot to watch. At this point I’m hungover and embarrassed that I’ve completely wrecked our friendship beyond repair. I guess that was the case for both of us because we didn’t discuss things as usual and went on as normal.
This brings me to now, we are both home for the summer and went on our first night out in our home town. Drinks prices are ridiculously expensive back here so we ended up staying pretty much sober. When we were having our first cigarette of the night she just comes out and says “you know we made out at xyz the other night do you remember?” I, again, was shocked by her confidence and mumbled something about how I did. I never want to come on too strong as I’m completely head over heals for her and just have a hard time believing that she would want me. For context I am pretty (or so I’ve heard) but kinda overweight. I’m well proportioned but still have self esteem issues because of this. So any way she basically made it clear that yea we were going to be discussing this sober for the first time which I found sooo uncomfortable. I could barely look her in the eye. The gist of what she was saying was that she loves me so much and we’ve been through such tough times together with only each other and that she really wants me but is scared to ruin our friendship. She also said she doesn’t know how I feel and that I’m hard to read. I found that reassuring as I’ve been working hard to hide how much I want her for those same reasons. I expressed that I felt pretty much the same and that I am scared to ruin our relationship as neither of us really have anyone else. We agreed that it would be so great but that selfishly neither of us wants to do anything about it because we need each other so much. I also stupidly said that I felt as though maybe I wanted her but she didn’t want me, ugh what an ick. She didn’t say anything to that just nodded and too a long drag of her cig. We finished the night as normal and had a normal journey home together but this interaction has left me more confused then ever.
So now I’m back to thinking about how good we could have it then immediately swinging to thinking about how awful it would be if I lost her as my friend.
Not really sure what my question is but I just need some opinions about this situation as neither of us can talk to our friends because we’re not really out to them.
TL;DR
Me and my best friend our both bisexual, in the closet and in love with each other. We only talk about it when drunk and are scared to do anything about it for fear of wrecking our friendship.