My wife (34F) and me (41M) have been married for 10 years, together for 13. We have two children (4 & 6) who we both adore. I think we are a good team and good parents.We live in a nice house which we bought 2 years ago – mortgage for 30 years.
I just want to vent a bit but maybe someone got a bit of perspective or advice on what to do in my situation. At the beginning of our relationship sex was very wild and plentiful – I would say between 4 and 10 times a week. We did all the things I like (I’m a kinky person and I thought so was she). This mainly involved a lot of toys (plugs, anal play) but also restraints here and there, blindfolds, we even had a swinger-phase. So yeah, we really had (at least what I thought) a fulfilling, wild, interesting, passionate, varied sex life.
With time this obviously declined… then came the kids and we went on the obvious hiatus (I totally understood). Well – 4 1/2 years after the second kid we still are. It is not that we do not have sex entirely. It’s just that we do it maybe once every one to two weeks and it is really boring… A bit of oral and a bit of her favorite position and that’s it.And it is ALWAYS me that initiates – be it through sexting or just asking, sometimes physically in some way.
It is a huge problem for me since I feel very undesired and also like I’m the only one interested in our sex life. I’m also the only one who suggests to try new things – we had a slight encounter with BDSM for a few weeks but since I did somewhat stop being the driving force behind it, it stopped altogether.
All the toys just lay dormant or I use them by myself when she and the kids are not around.I just wish she would have the same enthusiasm and lust for exploration and trying out things as me (and as I believed her to have in our early years). Actually I think its was not “I believed” but more “she led me to believe”. She even admitted in one of our countless talks that she thought I was a very desirable catch and therefore she tried to adjust to me (not just sexual but in many ways). I feel completely deceived since this conversation.
I don’t know how to communicate this – if I talk about it of course she does “it” whatever “it” was the point of contention most recent (be it more sexting, more inbetween flirting or inuendos, more varied sex). But this always only holds for a week or two then everything is back to boring and non-initiating. She ist just absolutely not interested or enthusiastic. So basically I feel like everything that is more than routine always is “forced” and “obliged”. Of course this feels terrible since I long for a partner that actually wants to experience sex with me in all its glorious variety.
BTW I’m in excellent shape – I have an athletic build since I like to do strength training 3 times a week and also watch my diet pretty closely. I also am not a slob and try to watch my wardrobe.
I feel like the next 20 years (where I’m still fit, virile, potent) will just go by without much fun and then I kind of accept my fate. The alternative would be to just rip off the bandaid and try to find a better match for me.
Since 2 young children are in the picture it is not that easy and also apart from sex our relationship is not bad at all. Not exceptionally love-sparkling, mainly because the sex topic is so prevalent.
A week ago I’ve told her that I am unhappy and that my needs are not met in the relationship. I know that she is not obliged to make me happy or to “deliver” what I need. But I also know that I only have one life and owe it to myself to seek out happiness. Since sex and being desired and being with a “crazy” women that wants to have fun and excitement is so important to me, I am strongly considereing to leave. That is what I told her – of course we talked specifically what my needs are.
And of course they have been met for the last week.And of course I feel like shit since we definitely do what we do just because I made an ultimatum. This will not last and even if it lasts: I want a woman who is actually interested and frisky instead of just playing her part for the sake of the relationship.How can I make her more interested, enamored with sex? Is this even possible or does it have to come from within?
This is so hard to describe, I hope I did a comprehensible job. English is not my first language so sorry for any clunkiness.
Rant over.
10 comments
I think it was a mistake to do the ultimatum without trying more to work on it first. Also, your kids are really young still. Question for reference, how often are you having sex now (or before the ultimatum)?
People’s libidos do not stay completely in the same place. There may be a time in five years where your own libido tanks and it has nothing to do with your wife.
I think an ultimatum was way too premature just based on the info you’ve given. But of COURSE you need to talk to her about it. It sounds like she’s willing to try for you. If she’s doing that willingly and doesn’t hold it over your head then you need to let go of these guilty thoughts about how she “should” be feeling.
And lot’s of people adapt themselves to their partners. I don’t think that is necessarily an issue.
I didn’t see any mention of marriage counseling or sex therapy. Is that on the table? That’s often more productive than an ultimatum, provided both people want to be together and make an effort for improvement.
The other thing that always comes up when people are unhappy with the sexual frequency in their relationship: Does your wife have time to rest and relax? If she wanted to be having more sex, could she comfortably, without thinking about house tasks or child care or whatever?
I know this feeling and reading your post reminds me of allot of things.
You definingly need to talk to her and see where you 2 can be fulfilled. This might mean you 2 work out things you do together, maybe you have your own alone time. lastly there are options about being shared with others with her permission.
If you are going to stay in this relationship than you both need to find a way to be satisficed and trust each other.
Sounds like she’s damned if she does and damned if she doesn’t. I’m not sure what else she can do in this situation. She’s trying to meet your needs because she loves you and its not enough… I mean, that’s really it. You say you’re not happy, she tries to meet those needs but because you had to say something first, it’s not enough.
Women change after childbirth. Not all, but many. It does funky things to your hormone levels as well as body image, sensation (the act alone of forcing a melon out of a sensitive place can change how you feel pleasure forever.. again not always, but it happens).. the thing is she’s TRYING. She’s holding up her end of the bargain. You can’t flip a switch and change her whole mindset on a dime just because sex isn’t happening the exact way you want it to.
Short of reprogramming her brain.. couples therapy is all I can suggest.
People adapt to their partners, that’s part of making a relationship work. And it IS work. If lots of wild sex with ‘enthusiastic’ women is more important to you than that relationship and the life you’ve built together.. do you. Just don’t blame her for it when it sounds like she’s trying.
I don’t know. Having been through a slightly similar situation myself, I don’t feel like you are really thinking through the scenarios. I mean, are you willing to break it off, not see your kids as often, lose the house, half your assets, and the woman that you loved enough to build all this with? Probably not. The optimal outcome is to keep it all AND have a fulfilling sex life.
A lot of couples deprioritize sex after starting a family. It’s stressful, there’s less sleep, etc., as you well know. But there’s a massive hidden danger there, because the one, big flaw that could bring your whole operation down is sexual frustration and feeling disconnected from your partner. Going about your life, socializing, working out and interacting with other people while you are frustrated and feeling unwanted is a standing invitation to someone, anyone, to step in a seem extremely desirable just because they want you. You (and your family) are vulnerable.
So don’t feel like you’re being dramatic, or too needy, or disrespecting your partner’s waning sexual energy; there’s an existential threat to your family. Don’t be afraid to be open about your needs, or to tell your wife what you want from her. Frankly, I don’t think you’d be out of line for telling her that for the sake of your sanity and your little family, you need for her to be a little slut for a while. Maybe that’s what she needs to hear.
Edit: words
This is what the “in sickness and in health and “till death do us part” of vowels means.
It seems as though the only issue is sexual incompatibility, and she’s even willing to try for you. As others have mentioned I think it’s only fair to try some sort of counseling.
Very common, at least start seeing a sex therapist together.
Is it possible that she’s touched out and feeling spent from everything else?
I only ask because I’ve been on the other end. I have two kids about the same ages (and am divorced now). My ex constantly made me guilty about not wanting sex, but I was so burnt out. I was working full-time as the breadwinner, making nearly all of our meals, handling household admin stuff, having no time to myself, breastfeeding/pumping when they were babies, and still being the primary person caring for kids after work. The last thing I wanted to do was have sex.
Not saying that your situation is the same, but it could be worth stepping back to see if any of that is relevant. Like others suggested, seeing a sex therapist may help!
You’re in the dark period, been there myself. Our kids are now 12 and 16 and sex is better now then it was at the beginning of our relationship.
There were a few years when it was not good at all. My wife was constantly tired, she was mildly depressed, felt pressured, I got frustrated over the lack of sex and it was all going pretty poorly.
As time went on I started talking to her about it, other things in the relationship played into it, financial stuff, roles and responsibilities, sharing workload in the home etc.
After we had some painful moments and shared our feelings honestly we have enjoyed a finer and better sex life and a happier marriage than ever.
Hang in there.