Basically title, but to add more: Recently I’ve started dating someone (both back half of 20s). We had a conversation about sex, and they expressed it being important that we can stop mid act if needed. I tried to express that I totally understand that, continuing without consent is sexual assault or rape. I also tried to express, though, that I can imagine getting rejected in a vulnerable moment like that could be at least temporarily frustrating. That doesn’t make them invalid, and I still fully support their right to and action of withdrawing consent whenever they feel they need to. They say even the possibility of my being frustrated in the moment makes them take sex off the table. To me their zero tolerance policy seems a little too black and white? I don’t hope to react poorly, I don’t hope to make them feel invalid, but you don’t start sex with the hope of abruptly stopping right? So with that, I feel maybe having more than zero frustration is valid?
I guess I’m just trying to express for their action, I might have a reaction in the heat of the moment? Sex is vulnerable for all parties. I also know, though, that they have some sexual traumas in their past, and I do not, so we come from different mental places in that sense.
I’ve tried communicating all this already, but we still haven’t fully connected on the issue, or formed any sort of resolution.
Maybe me seeing it as being rejected is the core issue? Maybe someone here could give me insight to reframe that for myself?
Any insights from any points of view would be greatly appreciated, thank you!
8 comments
of course it is valid. perhaps you and your partner may not be thinking of the same scenario. you’re probably focused on your reaction when your partner suddenly says “stop”. your partner may be focused on what caused him/her to say “i want to stop”. do you understand why your partner is fixated on his/her right to withdraw consent mid-act? do you know what is the appropriate response that s/he is looking for when s/he says “i want to stop” (beside you stopping and then whining about it) and have you assured him/her that you will provide that response (such as giving him/her a hug and speaking comforting words, etc.)?
still, it is a huge red flag that they present this as so black-and-white in a one-sided manner. is your partner like this with other issues? if so, really consider moving on because this negotiation style will rear its head in other settings too.
I mean you might not mean to invalidate their position, but if they feel like withdrawing consent is going to get a negative reaction out of you in any way they have every right to be uncomfortable with that. You may see it as being rejected, but that’s more of your problem than theirs imo. If you did something that causes them to stop (pain, discomfort, not enjoyable, etc) you may be getting rejected, however it sounds like they have other reasons they anticipate that they may need to withdraw consent, and the fact that you see any issues with that would be a dealbreaker for most. I would reflect on why the withdrawal of consent is frustrating to you, and why you default to the idea that’s it’s being weaponized against you.
I think you have a very reasonable view on it. I would just draw the following distinctions:
1. It is entirely reasonable to feel internally frustrated in the scenario you presented. It is even reasonable to feel internally angry. We can not and should not control our emotions to the point of them not happening internally. Not recognizing how we feel is very unhealthy. It would be completely unfair for your partner to request that you do not have any internal emotion about it what so ever.
2. It is unreasonable to show the frustration or anger externally in that moment to the partner who withdrew consent. As they most likely are in need of support at the time. The only time I think it becomes reasonable to express frustration is outside the bedroom after it happens multiple times, but that is more my own standard that I thought off right now.
Do you get the impression she’s going to be revoking consent often? Have you asked her what kind of circumstances might cause her to revoke consent mid sex?
You have to respect it, but you also don’t have to take that relationship on if you feel like it’s too much for you.
Generally if someone I’m having sex with asks me to stop, my first thought is “Hey, what’s wrong? What’s going on? What do you need?” My thoughts are coming from a concern that something has gone wrong.
I wouldn’t think about frustration unless there were constant pattern of issues, thus creating a concern that we were sexually incompatible.
First I think it is only one resolution – you shouldn’t have sex with them. If they fear so much about other person having emotions during sex they better use toys or dolls. Just check half of post there from women whos partners stop sex once they orgasm and don’t care about them, do they sound frustrated to you, is their emotions valid? Do you want to have sex with such person as their partners? I want to be clear stopping mid act if one of you ask for this should be default, but handling your partner after this is sign of good partner. So this all is very nuanced and depends on context of how it stopped, and what parties involved did. Personally I won’t feel frustration if we stop, but if we stop because other partner orgasmed and don’t care to help me with it, I will feel regret, frustration and won’t want to repeat it with same partner.
Also I think you have different definitions about what frustrations is, and how people express it.
>I guess I’m just trying to express for their action, I might have a reaction in the heat of the moment?
What reaction we are talking about? They can view this as you will get angry or aggressive.
There so many complications and implications and messed up potential issues here that really, you should just date someone else.
>you don’t start sex with the hope of abruptly stopping right?
and they don’t start sex with the hope of feeling so bad that they want to stop sex. The likelihood of most women wanting to stop sex for no reason but to annoy you is negligible and that leaves a majority of women only stopping if they are having a negative reaction to the sex.
You saying you will show your frustration is a frightening reaction. You are making her feel unsafe, its probably best if you break up, you have lost her trust now.