I (16 yr old f) struggle with self confidence and connecting with other people my age. I also have niche interests and a very distinct style so I feel that I stand out. I overthink social situations way too much but also struggle with body image issues that affects how I interact with people bc I’m scared of judgment. I used to be bullied in middle and elementary school for my looks and even though people have told me that I’m pretty, I feel like I’m not pretty enough. For context, I have some conventionally attractive features but in a cute way, not in a drop dead gorgeous way. I’m fit for my body type but I don’t have a slim build, I have the oil painting short wide and curvy build. If I’m in a social situation where everyone is new, I’m good for the first few days because I can make small talk and initiate conversations. The only exception is if I feel especially intimated by a person because they’re really pretty or just seem aloof. Once everyone breaks into cliques, I struggle to integrate myself because everyone but me has deepened their connections.
TLDR; how can I improve my confidence in my looks, deepen connections, and talk to people I’m intimidated by? Especially in cliques.
2 comments
As a fellow cute-but-not-beautiful person, I can tell you that your confidence is naturally low at your age, haha. I don’t think I started to feel comfortable with my looks until my mid 20s.
In terms of approaching people you’re intimidated by, I find it’s easier to get past it if you treat it like acting. You’re not approaching this person, your character is. I don’t know if this distinction wil help you, but it helps me.
Deepening connections is the easy part imo. It’s hard to meet people. Going from acquaintances to friends, is just about being present and making yourself available.
As long as you keep feeling uncomfortable about your looks, people will notice and feel that vibe coming from you. People notice the way you carry yourself and the vibes you give off. When you are nervous/anxious/overthinking/worrying, your verbal and nonverbal actions tend to show it. If you keep acting this way, people will stop associating with you because it’s a negative vibe. You are essentially conveying that you are unworthy to hold a conversation with them or be around them and that they need to be constantly reassuring you. That’s not what you want to convey, and it’s nobody else’s job but your own to validate and reassure yourself. People gravitate towards self confidence, not anxiety.
Genuinely connect with them in real life e.g. ask how they are, their hobbies, interests, goals, opinions, etc. Listen and pay attention to what people say. Share those things about yourself when asked. People also subconsciously attach you to the value you bring. The value you bring is a clear, unique, and convincing reason why people will interact with you, let alone do so constantly. So Find ways to add value to their lives. Having In person interactions is the easiest way to stand out from countless people who text or message. People remember and favor in person interactions because of the positive vibes. If your hobbies, skills, talents align with their interests or can help them, bring it up and offer to help them. Finally, learn how to be genuinely busy in your life pursuing your goals and hobbies, while interacting with people on the side. People are hardwired to be repulsed by neediness and desperation and instead gravitate towards those who are self confident and well rounded in life. They want to see active confirmation of you actually doing something in your life other than just talking to them. So chase excellence, not people.