To cut a long story very short, I (45f) used to date John (50m). He was very abusive. I had made multiple police reports against him, but nothing came of them.
My daughter (Jen-14f) met this girl (Maisy-14f) in year 7, and they became close friends. I had no issue with the friendship (obviously) until I met her parents- Rosie and John. I don’t even think John recognised me and was super nice and his wife is one of the sweetest women I’ve ever met. At first I thought I was going crazy, but it is 100% John. No mistake about it. Since then, I’ve been distant with them. I don’t want to bring it up to Rosie in case she asks John about it and gets hurt, and I don’t want John to know who I am (assuming he’s not putting up this act of not knowing how I am), but it goes deeper than this. I don’t want Jen going to the house anymore.
You might call me dramatic because John has changed, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t treat me like a
stray dog. John being ‘normal’ now doesn’t negate the horrific abuse he put me through.
I’m a single mother, and I lost family because of John, so I don’t really have anyone to talk to who will give me an objective stance. Jen loves Maisy, and I don’t want to rip them apart, but I can’t stand the idea of her going to his house. I also don’t want to tell Jen what happened and it change her view on Maisy, or her bring it up.
What do I do?
29 comments
Bring it up, it’s tough – but explain it to your daughter.
My mother was in a similar situation when I was 15 and she took the time to explain to me (in terms I could understand) what happened, and why she wanted me to have distance from a good friend of mine.
Ultimately, she let me make the decision – and I made the one my mom wanted me to.
It turns out it was the right decision because my friend ended up spending years in jail for the same thing their father did.
I’m 35f.
My parents didn’t want me staying the night at anyones house but friends could stay at ours .
Also my parents weren’t always comfortable with me going to friends house if they had brothers / uncles / or dads that they haven’t met and befriended .
They never explained it . That was just a rule that I accepted. Now that I’m older , I get it .
But if you don’t want to explain things just tell your daughter that her friend is welcome to come to your house and you can plan something really fun .
She’s 14, she’s capable of understanding. Tell her to not say anything but “tell story”
I don’t know your daughter, but it really sounds like you need to treat her like an adult and lay it all (or at least most) out for her. She will not accept a vague statement about staying away. You need to tell her and tell her why she needs to keep it to herself.
I don’t know that you have to tell your daughter all the details. Maybe leave it at “I’m not comfortable with you hanging out at Maisy’s home” and allow the girls to hang out & visit at your home. Make your home more welcoming (not that it isn’t already) so your daughter will want to have her friends over. If John is still abusive, Maisy may prefer to hang at your house away.
This is precisely the type of thing that I would go to a therapist to get guidance on because they would probably know best. Once in a while I’ll have a question like this that I just want somebody who will understand the psychological aspects of it all to get feedback from and I really would suggest that for this particular situation.
Tell her the truth. 14 is old enough to know. Say that he might have changed but because of his past you are not comfortable with her staying there and her friend can stay at yours but not the other way round.
Tell your daughter that because of some past experiences you dont want her to go to their house but that Maisy is more than welcome to come over when they want to hang out.
John absolutely knows who you are. He’s just pretending like he doesn’t in hopes that you will too, that you won’t out him for who he is and what he did.
Unfortunately, there’s no magic solution here that allows you to not tell Jen what happened. You could try to institute a rule that Jen can’t go over to ANYONE’S house, ever, but I think that’s effectively punishing Jen for John’s crimes, which I assume you don’t want to do. I also think Jen is likely to connect this back to you meeting Maisy’s parents and she’s going to then have questions anyway.
Jen is old enough to know. You don’t need to go into every single detail, but giving her the broad strokes of your relationship with John should be enough for her to understand why. She IS going to tell Maisy and so it will get back to Rosie and John. But she deserves to know why you don’t want her going over there.
Either tell your daughter the truth on why you do not want her there, or have the girls at your place.
There is no way he doesn’t recognise you. Your daughter is 14 so I would explain the situation to her, depending on the type of child she is and the relationship you have with her. Kids are different so she might not process the information well etc. but you have to tell her about John and that he was not a nice person before or not a nice person to you.
Your daughter is not stupid and I can guarantee she knows something is up. Now is good time to talk about your experience, consent, abuse and how to recognize red flags. This won’t be easy but it will resolve the need to put yourself into dangerous situation for “appearances sake” and will teach your daughter that abusers are not evil monsters who go to jail but normal looking people who get away with it more often than not.
It seems you are 100% sure it’s John, but you also doubt yourself. You could get a PI and do a background check on him, pull up any problems with the police, etc.
John might not have changed and everything is a sham. He could still be abusive with his family. So that’s another reason why it could be dangerous for her to go there.
One option is to give your daughter a PG version of what happened and why you are uncomfortable with her going. However, you need to make it very clear that she has to keep it a secret from her friend and her family. If you have a police report from back then or anything from him, then you can show her something as evidence.
Another option is to tell her you’d like them to meet in your place, because it’s just the two of you and you like having them around.
This might not get too many thumbs up, but you can also try to enroll your daughter is an activity she might enjoy so that she makes more friends and this friendship because just one of many, rather than the one main friendship. It might happen or not, but if it does, she’ll have less contact with John and so will you.
There’s no way John didn’t recognize you. Keep your daughter away from him. Have Maisy over, but never let John inside your house. And please tell Rosie. If she doesn’t know she should. If she does know, she needs to know that someone else does too.
You can’t do anything without telling Jen what happened, it’ll just make you the bad guy if you try.
I would suggest telling her the whole truth if you are concerned, doesn’t matter if he’s changed or not you never have to forgive or forget.
The real question you should be asking. Do you know your daughter will be safe in his care, if not then simply veto that option.
I think Jen is old enough to know
As honest as is appropriate for 14 year old you need to explain why you will not allow your child into a dangerous home. You have no idea what goes on in the privacy of where your ex abuser lives.
You don’t have to explain. You are a parent but if you feel the need to tell her, tell her the truth about why you don’t want them hanging out. She’s old enough to get it.
I think you tell her the story of what happened to you. Don’t tell her his name at first just that she’s old enough and getting in to relationships and needs to know warning signs.
Then at the end tell her it’s John and while it’s no reflection on the daughter you absolutely don’t want her anywhere near that guy and prefer that daughter and friend hang at your house.
Either tell your daughter the truth on why you do not want her there, or have the girls at your place.
Give your daughter the general layout of what went down, very general. No specifics. Then tell her you trust her to make wise choices. She should keep her phone at hand whenever she is out of the house, just general safety. And she won’t be staying there late, and sleepovers won’t happen. But I think if she feels comfortable enough, the benefit of the doubt could be had.
Just a suggestion, of course you’ll have to do what you feel comfortable with. You also don’t have to tell your daughter it was you with him, you could just say you recognize him from when you were younger and he seemed a bit violent, and that has you hesitant, and then the rest of course.
You’ll have to walk the line between honesty, and too much information, here. Which isn’t easy. But hey, are you giving your daughter a lesson in how to protect herself here, while also allowing her to actually put the lesson to the test. Just keep things as safe as you can while you do so. Be only a phone call away. I really don’t think he’ll do anything at all to your daughter, but that wouldn’t be any reason to be cocky about the situation.
“I dated John when we were younger and he was not a good man (potentially mention police). I’m not comfortable with you being near him as I don’t trust him, even if he’s changed for Rosie and Maisy that doesn’t negate that he was cruel before and could change back or be hiding it. Please keep this to yourself as to not hurt Maisy and her mother, she’s welcome to come over here at any time.”
You don’t have to go into details initially (but if she asks you should mention everything but sexual assault), but your daughter is at the age where she *needs* to know that there are men who will prey upon her and other women and that she needs to be careful. Protecting her from the awful reality of being a woman won’t help her, it will only make her vulnerable. If your daughter does end up telling them then that’s unfortunate, but *do not let your daughter go into an abuser’s house.* You know why, the potential guilt of causing drama in their family is worth your daughter’s safety.
Exactly as you told us. 14 is mature enough to know the general idea of your point.
“honestly, im not comfortable with you going over x. I have history with the father and he was absuive”
Let her know of the history with John… let her know you of course dont want to fault Maisy and that you want this to stay between you two.
But you should absolutely protect your daughter from this person, and she is old enough to know.
Does he expect that you have amnesia from the abuse you suffered??
How could he not recognize you?!?
He is acting a fool and 100% you should just be honest with your daughter.
John could be abusing your daughter’s friend and his current wife. Maybe they need guidance to leave.
Also if this guy broke up your connection with your family to the point it was never repaired that is very serious.
I had a friend like you, you didn’t want to end her son’s friendship with the son of someone there was a history with.
It started with calls to Child Protective Services saying that she was abusing her son, and ended up with her sitting in the back of a police car after her old abuser said she attacked him when she went to pick up her son – he grabbed her and refused to let her leave, and then used her fighting back as “proof” that she attacked him.
Her son saw all of this while her abuser was telling the police that it was okay for her son to stay with them since they were family friends.
Don’t be that dumb.
I know this may not be feasible but this situation gives me the creeps. There’s no good way to go about this but I’d just move if I was you.
You lost family bc of John? He knows exactly who you are and you’re right to shield your daughter from that.
Think about it, as parents we would LOVE to know ahead of time where the pitfalls are. You’ve got one right in front of you, don’t fall for it.
Protect your daughter. a leopard doesn’t change it’s spots.